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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

525 replies

dietirnbruqueen · 04/02/2024 21:09

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

OP posts:
Isitautumnyet23 · 05/02/2024 12:03

Im not surprised at as can only imagine how difficult he made Primary school for your Son. The Mum shouldn’t be involving your Son, she should be going straight to the school rather than drawing in kids who are not involved.

Scarletttulips · 05/02/2024 12:10

Dunno if this point has been raised before…. Only once or twice.

Saz12 · 05/02/2024 12:12

Similar happened to one of my DC. When asked to help, I said it was for the school to sort out and I was going to leave it in their hands.

Whatayear2023 · 05/02/2024 12:24

Bottom line your son gets on well with others stays clear of boy who caused him a lot of emotional harm...if he was to stick up for this child he would very likely be a "grass" "tell tale" etc...

zanahoria · 05/02/2024 12:33

Your son like many kids is thinking "why me?" but he is absolutely right to do so.

Why out of a class of kids who could help does this mother want your son to step up?

It is suspicious behaviour. I think she may want to present the narrative of 'even the boy who my son lied about says he is telling the truth this time'.

It really sounds manipulative to me and your son was manipulated before.

As someone who has a negative previous engagement with the boy, your son has every right to stay out.

libbylane · 05/02/2024 12:36

I would allow him allllll the feelings and maybe even the chance to communicate them respectfully to the other dc's Mum AND I would encourage him to do the right thing if the school asks. There is never a wrong time to do the right thing. To me this is teaching him to have moral standards that he can be proud of. Again not saying he needs to be besties with this boy AND I think he has the right to voice the impact that boy's behaviour had on him - to the boy, the Mum, or even his new school. You can do all that and if the school asks, still be honest.

He sounds like a great kid @dietirnbruqueen and I'm sorry he went through such a horrific ordeal.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/02/2024 12:38

@SpeedyDrama Sounds like the boy was let down in every area, adults, peers, their parents all choosing to see him as the problem. I'm not sure why he was 'let down' by his peers? Do you think they should have let him have his way every time? Only play what he wanted to, never let him lose?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/02/2024 12:38

@SpeedyDrama Sounds like the boy was let down in every area, adults, peers, their parents all choosing to see him as the problem. I'm not sure why he was 'let down' by his peers? Do you think they should have let him have his way every time? Only play what he wanted to, never let him lose?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/02/2024 12:43

I was bullied from the last years of primary school until I went to Sixth Form college, and I am absolutely sure I would have felt the same way as your son, @dietirnbruqueen, if I had seen any of my bullies being on the receiving end for a change.

SpeedyDrama · 05/02/2024 12:44

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/02/2024 12:38

@SpeedyDrama Sounds like the boy was let down in every area, adults, peers, their parents all choosing to see him as the problem. I'm not sure why he was 'let down' by his peers? Do you think they should have let him have his way every time? Only play what he wanted to, never let him lose?

No not at all. But if my suspicion are correct, what this boy needed was modelling, empathy and compromise. Only going by the op, but it’s sounds like the boy has little ability in social skills and sometimes compromise has to come from everyone. Obviously only getting the op’s view of the child here but the behaviour reads quite apparent to me about why this child is struggling and disliked.

Furryfeelings · 05/02/2024 12:47

This post jumped out at me because the EXACT same thing happened to DD. I can’t sympathise enough. We were lucky that we had an excellent head teacher who recognised there was a ton of stuff going on in the child’s family, which had given her a very skewed view of what friendships should be, which left the child vulnerable to feeling victimised and ultimately made her a target for bullies down the line. She and her brother ended up accusing multiple people of bullying her over the years and bounced around different schools. My position is that it is an absolute tragedy for the child who is now being bullied but this whole thing is bigger than any individual child and probably warrants professional support. Your DS does not have the resources to take this on and neither you nor your child can or should rescue this boy. I can’t tell you what to do but I remember I found it helpful to go to DD’s pastoral care teacher and let them know the whole story. What took me by surprise was that when I did this I was in floods of tears (the teacher was lovely though!). PM me if you want to have a rant to someone who’s been there

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/02/2024 12:49

BakewellTart66 · 05/02/2024 12:01

I would suggest to the mother of the bully that she share her concerns with the school and ask for their help. She really shouldn’t be conducting her own investigation and recruiting possible witnesses, especially given her DS’s history of fabrication. If handled between families, the whole thing could become rather fraught.
If he’s interviewed by a member of the school staff, OP’s DS is more likely to open up, especially as he won’t feel singled out to speak.

More sensible advice

Londonrach1 · 05/02/2024 12:52

Your son is right here. Block the mums number.

Ramalangadingdong · 05/02/2024 12:59

Saracen · 05/02/2024 01:25

I can totally see why your son doesn't want to help the kid who made his life miserable. I admit that in his shoes I might also refuse to get involved. I'm pretty bad for holding a grudge.

But there is something which concerns me. If he knowingly allows these kids to carry on bullying somebody, it contributes to the overall bullying culture in that school, and specifically encourages these particular kids to do it. They know the bystanders will keep quiet. They think it's okay to behave this way. They'll be turning their attentions to other victims in due course.

Yes, and the son may well end up being one of their victims.

Bubble2024 · 05/02/2024 13:04

SpeedyDrama · 05/02/2024 12:44

No not at all. But if my suspicion are correct, what this boy needed was modelling, empathy and compromise. Only going by the op, but it’s sounds like the boy has little ability in social skills and sometimes compromise has to come from everyone. Obviously only getting the op’s view of the child here but the behaviour reads quite apparent to me about why this child is struggling and disliked.

Show quote history

It’s obvious what you’re alluding to but consider the context of mum as well before leaping to conclusions.

mammaCh · 05/02/2024 13:11

Karma baby.
If that's how your son feels, he has every right to!

DowntonCrabby · 05/02/2024 13:12

ZoChan · 04/02/2024 21:45

Good for him, setting boundaries for himself as a teen. Well done you for installing this in him. Follow what he wants to do. Ignore any messages from the mother

Absolutely this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2024 13:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

StoorieHoose · 05/02/2024 13:15

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Do you know this boy? You don't even know ow if he actually is being bullied or whether he is lying again

Why are you emotionally blackmailing the Op by quoting suicide stats

Bananagirl23 · 05/02/2024 13:18

It sounds like you handled it really well OP. It’s quite bizarre that she’s asking you for evidence rather than going through school channels. If it happens at school the teachers should be dealing with it

zanahoria · 05/02/2024 13:21

"Why are you emotionally blackmailing the Op by quoting suicide stats"

That sort of guilt tripping is completely out of order

StoorieHoose · 05/02/2024 13:24

zanahoria · 05/02/2024 13:21

"Why are you emotionally blackmailing the Op by quoting suicide stats"

That sort of guilt tripping is completely out of order

It was an awful thing to post

cerisepanther73 · 05/02/2024 13:27

@Mummyoflittledragon

Why should @dietirnbruqueen and her 🤔 son have a random individual such as yourself or anyone else on here to manipulate them to feel 🤔 some sense of responsibility or and guilt for the bully boy who caused them so much such distress ect for them?

If he is fragile that boy, that's up to to his mother and school to sort out address his issues,

If he self harms in any way ?
that's unfortunate,

that olde world saying springs to mind

Why should you set yourself on fire 🔥 to warm someone else like this,

Charity begins at home...

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/02/2024 13:29

I am not trying to manipulate the op and I apologise if it came across like that. I’m really upset about the people on the thread saying karma karma.

I will ask for my post to be removed.

1983Louise · 05/02/2024 13:35

Well done your son, he's already learning to put boundaries in to his life. Everyone hates bullying but your son has been a victim of it because of this boy and has the sense of not wanting any involvement with him again. There must be bullying policies in place so the Mum needs to contact the school, not you.