Tables have turned and son refusing to help/get involved

[dietirnbruqueen]

when my son was in p6 he was falsely accused of bullying another child in the class. The boy made up claims of things my son had said and done and it went on for a period of time.

it was a difficult time for my son and very stressful to constantly have to maintain his innocence. The boy in question had emotional problems and was very sensitive to everything. His mother, instead of teaching him resilience, pandered to everything he said and did.

anyway, it transpired that the boy was jealous of my son and it came out that he’d made up all the claims. There wasn’t much if any punishment for the boy (in school) because of aforementioned emotional issues/very sensitive.

my son steered well clear of him for the rest of primary school and didn’t interact with with him as he didn’t trust him.

anyway, he’s now in secondary school and this boy is being bullied by a group of boys in the year. I don’t know the ins and outs of it but the mother has messaged me to say that my son is in a couple of classes and may have witnessed the bullying and can he vouch that it’s happening. my son is categorically not involved in bullying this boy btw and there’s no question of that.

my son has completely refused to be drawn on the subject. He’s said privately to me that this boy made his life hell and he has no interest in getting involved in anything to do with him. My son is quite quiet but gets on well with most folk but he is digging his heels in here and just says “Couldn’t tell you.” When he’s asked.

I hate the thought of anyone being bullied but I can also see my son’s point that he doesn’t want any involvement with this boy.

wwyd?

Thanks all.

the mother has read the message but not responded.

my son is confident and happy in his decision so im going to leave it well alone.

Forgiveness is also a process.

It takes time, and being able to come to terms with what has happened, and involves some very difficult mental and emotional process that children are not always capable of.

To try to force forgiveness can be very damaging.

Everyone is obsessed with the child getting what they deserve - this is a highly sensitive kid with emotional problems for gods sake. Then we wonder how kids end up turning into killers.

That is not on OPs son, that would be on his parents and the school - they have the means to help the bullied child - OPs son does not -

OPs son is also a child in this situation.

IF OP was asking for advice on how to deal with bullying in school - we could offer that advice.

OP is asking if her child should get involved - the clear answer os self preservation.

What can you do? Your son has decided not to support the other boy, and you can't force him to speak. If he insists on saying he sees nothing going on, no one can make him say otherwise. I would reply to the other mum (to get her off my case) "I'm sorry, but this is something I think best dealt with in school. If DS has anything to say then it's better he does that to the teachers".

Think the 70s were tough times - bread strikes, soaring food prices, power shortages, industrial unrest meaning job insecurity means that OP’s experience growing up wasn’t unusual. My PiLs are very strict with food - MiL counts the sprouts, allots a certain number of potatoes per eater etc. if only 3 people re eating and a pack of pies/burgers contains 4, the 4th will be frozen and kept for another day (my husband just cooks it all and wonders why I roll my eyes at the waste or get annoyed that he’s over-feeding my DS who is a little cuddly for his age).

However, if the lasting effect of this is that she has an unhealthy to negative relationship with food now, then this is what needs exploring with a counsellor/balanced food programme. I think you can ask to be referred to a 12 week diet/nutrition course on the NHS now - but maybe that was before covid!

Good call. You can't necessarily make him say something anyway, and you'd be potentially risking his welfare by trying to get him involved. Your son has to be your priority, and he's confident and happy with what he's decided, so you've made the right decision.

Often claiming that he was being bullied because he didn’t like games at playtime and the other children who were happy playing these games didn’t change the rules or said play something else if you don’t like it?

if he didn’t want to take his turn (in class or while in the playground) there would be tears.

if he was put out a game then he’d mostly cry and say it was unfair.

These are just a few examples that I can remember off the top of my head.

bear in mind these children were aged 9/10 and that’s behaviour I’d expect from a pre school child. they couldn’t be bothered with it and my son used to mention this child’s behaviour frequently at that age.

the mother agreed with him instead of telling him to stop it and teaching him resilience.

I'm confused anyway, this is a school matter, not one for the mums to go round seeking witness statements. It's for the schools, the teachers and their anti-bullying to sort out. If asked by a teacher as he directly saw something your son may have something to contribute. A generic 'he might have seen something' drags him into something which isn't his trouble, and where he's irrelevant anyway- the school isn't going to take it more seriously because random child says something happened who isn't even involved in the situation.

Direct the mum to the school and express sadness he's being bullied. She doesn't need witnesses, she needs to download their anti-bullying policy, visit the teachers and get this thing sorted through the mechanisms that already exist.

Respect for your son . He’s establishing boundaries . Please don’t try to make him speak up .

She's not going to - read her posts.@Erdinger

Your son has done the right thing.

Quoting this long post by @LightsCameraBloodyDoSomething as it's absolutely spot on. Agree with every word.

I would agree with your sons decision however I wouod say that if he is asked directly by a teacher he must be truthful especially as evasive behaviour might make him look guilty

Ds had a bully who got his butt kicked they knew ds told the truth so they asked him what happened he began with WELL bully was picking on (younger year) as per usual when a big sibling came along and stomped him he was apparently smiling when he said it 😀

As a child who was bullied relentlessly and when they were called out on it tried to claim I was the one bullying I can absolutely empathise with your son. I cam also understand the posts of karma is a bitch.

As a mum, I would like to think I have raised my kid well enough to know that 2 wrongs don't make a right and if this kid is being bullied and he ought to do the right thing and say what he has seen if he has seen anything.

I would then leave it up to him and hope he did the right thing

I support the poster who said "block the mother's number". And yes, I think your son is absolutely right in not wanting to be involved. You should be proud of your parenting skills.
People tend to forget that the saying "treat others the way you want to be treated" can have the ending "...and afterwards treat them the way they treated you". It doesn't mean being mean in response to meanness, simply not going out of one's way for someone who made your life hell.

It's not my experience either of being at school or of my DCs at school

I could take a good guess at what’s going on here but I won’t due to an inevitable pile on.

Sounds like the boy was let down in every area, adults, peers, their parents all choosing to see him as the problem. ‘Teaching resilience’ is such an old fashioned term and simply isn’t workable for child with…. emotional disregulation that makes them socially delayed. The fact this has lead to bullying in secondary which is a dog fight that those with social difficulties and understanding is no surprise, and with absolutely no attempt to see this boy for what’s actually going on, only revealing in glee in further confusion and difficulties he faces, it’s just a horrible situation all round.

We had a similar situation with DS, DS now stays away from him and would have similar reaction, this child does get picked on from what I gather and I really don't mean to victim blame and not saying it's right but it's for the behaviours displayed in primary, for example if he doesn't like working in a group he complains about them to the teacher and high school kids have little less patience with such things

I feel for your son but I also feel desperately sorry for the boy that's now being bullied at school. I don't know what the answer is but the level of vitriol towards the other boy on here is vile

'The boy in question had emotional problems'. So he was vulnerable, but confessed to lying which can't have been easy. So it's complicated.

Your DS has every right to keep out of it, you should avoid the Mother for obvious reasons. But if your son witnesses bullying, and is asked about it, he should tell the truth. 'Couldn't tell you' isn't honest.

Dunno if this point has been raised before OP - but just in case, I wouldn't be putting pressure on my son to speak up at this point in case he ends up the bullies' next target. I have a kid around that age and wouldn't be able to forgive myself. (Obviously if your son decides to be the bigger person and speak up, good for him) Hopefully the adults and the now-bullied lad can get it sorted, bullying is an absolute blight, but it's not as if your lad owes him anything....

I’m just relaying what was the case in primary school.

my son kept his distance from him after the bullying claims and also because this behaviour was alien to him. We (DH and I) also thought it best that he didn’t interact with him (although was always civil) to minimise any further issues.

Tbh it worked well and now I think my son is quite happy in his decision to keep contact/involvement to zero.

Exactly - so I'd tell the truth and explain tthat you've asked DS but that he doesn't wish to be involved

This is after all his choice to make, and don't forget that he's the one who'll bear the brunt of things if it somehow rebounds on him

This!!

I also thought that its not a question of karma, payback, or revenge as some of have said. And hopefully that's not how your son thinks of it.

The mother seeking witnesses directly to come forward is inappropriate. But She's probably worried to death about her son.It would be very awkward for your son to volunteer evidence, It's the teacher's job to ask the class.

Whatever their history, the boys are different ages now, in a much bigger school and your son should move forwards which it sounds like he is doing. I think it's better to treat the mother sympathetically but your son doesn't have to comply with her request.

Your son is in a very difficult position. Neither mother really knows the actual situation, or what went on or how things played out. It's all third hand. Its not fair for your son to be singled out from the whole class as a "witness" There are many other pupils who would have seen what ever it was that happened. So your son might have reasoned that the best way to handle it is to keep out of it. However, one would hope he'd be truthful if asked directly by the school.

The school though does need to investigate and not let a bullying culture develop.

I would suggest to the mother of the bully that she share her concerns with the school and ask for their help. She really shouldn’t be conducting her own investigation and recruiting possible witnesses, especially given her DS’s history of fabrication. If handled between families, the whole thing could become rather fraught.
If he’s interviewed by a member of the school staff, OP’s DS is more likely to open up, especially as he won’t feel singled out to speak.