New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

So these 'gotten' women had no say in the matter?

Why is it irresponsible? The women had a say, they are not just some inanimate objects.

@Gruffallowhydidntyouknow@queenMab99@Kdtym10@WandaWonder

I think I should clarify that our baby was unplanned, and the reason why we initially got/stayed together. I wasn’t just knocked up - it wasn’t intentional but we tried to make it work. Not to be petty but when you say things like this, I feel like a “baby mama.” And looking back, never having the title of wife and just DC mum, is probably why I’m hurt.

With them, I don’t know if their child is planned, but I’m sure this is why they’re married. Seeing as he knows our past and that I wanted marriage - surely he’d know that it’d be hurtful to me. I feel like he could’ve been a little nicer when composing the message.

@Janetime

Thank you both. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like it came off a little bit weird.

@WandaWonder I may have misunderstood your first comment, sorry.

Honestly op. I am struggling to see how he could have been nicer. What would you have liked him to say other than refusing to call the baby their child?

To clarify the message is fine, it’s the fact he’s married her, and they are having a child, that’s upsetting you. Not the message

I feel like the other commenters have done a good job of rephrasing it.

Something like, “Hello X, Y and I have gotten married and are expecting a baby this summer. I’m letting you know as I’ve just told DC/our daughter.”

I’m not really sure I see a difference to be honest, I do think you’d still be upset.

His message was perfect and exactly what any lawyer or therapist would advise him to write. Immediately after telling his child, so he doesn't risk the child telling you or you telling the child yourself. It's factual, to the point, has the info you need, and he offers to tell you the due date. I think your emotions around him are clouding your response to the message. Don't let them ruin a positive co-parenting relationship. A simple 'Congratulations, thanks for letting me know' is appropriate in response.

@SimplyMother
that is pretty much what he said though…you’re not really upset by the message, you’re upset he’s married to someone else and they’re expecting a baby. You would be upset no matter what he said.

Please don’t make a huge deal out of this and rock the boat regarding your coparenting. He’s allowed to get on with his life, just like you are. He’s done nothing wrong.

I agree with PP; it’s not really the wording that’s upsetting you, it’s what is actually happening, and sadness that he wasn’t interested in the same with you.

Head up, move on. There’s better ahead.

I can understand why the content of the text upset you - although realistically, you were never going to be his wife, were you?

But the text in and of itself is fine for letting you know.

@Janetime and @WandaWonder you do realise that irresponsibility is not limited to one person, right? And I say this as a woman who's gotten pregnant quickly in a new relationship before.

At least you know he’s a prick now.

Why didn’t it work out with him?

I do wish people would stop using the awful US 'gotten' and say 'have got married'.

Or 'are married'.

I agree that it's hurtful. It's weird for him not to mention that he's married if you coparent well, and its weird for him to be secretive about the due date. What does he think youre going to do with this information?

You were only with him for 2 years and for 9 of those months you were pregnant. So it was never along term or really committed relationship.

And, from what you say, you tried to make it work because you were pregnant (accidentally) rather than because you or he really wanted to be together.

Even without the baby, it sounds as if this was never going to work long term and it may have been best to have cut your losses earlier on.

On the plus side, it's good he is involved in parenting your child as many men might walk away completely.

That a bit of a stretch🙄
Maybe they haven't had a scan yet when I was pregnant with my boys I had a very irregular cycle so needed a scan to be accurate

The standout for me is that he didn't invite his daughter to the wedding and she didn't know he was married.

As someone who wasn't invited to their dad's second wedding as a child I find this the one objectionable point in his message.

Did your child not go to his wedding? I find that so very odd.

But yes the message is fine, it’s just pompous and bizarrely formal. Probably because the new wife wrote it.

I would reply with a thumbs up and vent to my friends about it, because it is actually okay to have big or confusing feelings about this.

There is nothing wrong with his message, its factual.
In all likelihood he may not be able to have your DC if the birth happens during his scheduled time. But one word of advice, how you manage this will impact the next 15+ years of parenting you have with him. That includes flexibility on both sides.
Don't be a twunt.

You're mourning the loss of what you thought would be a forever relationship - but you were with him for 2 years and had a child together.
Three years apart.
He's now been with another woman for a year and is having a child with her.

He does rush into things doesn't he.

Be happy you're not with him anymore, and that he's coparenting well.
Be happy that you and your child are in a good place.

If you're still upset over him then get some counselling as dwelling on him/relationship that didn't work will do you no good.

I think the formal tone of the text suggests that a scan has taken place. Most people don’t share baby news with people they’re somewhat close to until they’ve had a confirmation scan, and I’m sure the ex and his wife wouldn’t be updating the op the second two lines came up.

It may be a stretch, but thrown in with how oddly put together the rest of the text is, I would personally be wary. It’s not exactly fair on the op to be counting down months to a surprise ‘oh can’t have Our Child this weekend, at the hospital/at home recovering’. It could be 9/6/4 or less months away depending on how soon/late they’re telling the op about the pregnancy at all. And whatever the reasoning, she should have a clearer idea just for the sake of preparing her child, it’s a huge adaptation. I might just be taking it personally though, I was the kid who had a new sibling just basically arrive on them last second with little warning.

I do too. I think the wife line was dropped very casually like that precisely because of this reaction. It's clear OP isn't over this bloke and was desperate for a marriage she didn't get. I think the bloke, as wet as it is, was scared to officially tell her him and his new partner are married because he was scared of a reaction.

Seems fine to me? But surely he should learn his lesson and not rush into everything...