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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Billyvoo · 05/02/2024 07:02

If you were getting married and having a baby would you be agonising over texts to your ex? Probably not right as you’d figure the relationship is over; but obviously you need to keep everyone in the loop and stay cordial.
I get why you’re upset, but it’s time to move on. You have your own separate lives now. Xx

OhamIreally · 05/02/2024 07:18

My ex writes "Thanks." just like that with a full stop. It really irks me I think "Prick" every single time.

Epidote · 05/02/2024 07:37

The text is correct. Your feeling are somehow understandable as the new baby will be sharing a father with your daughter and that will impact her life.

On the other hand you feeling bad because you only found out they married is different, and not healthy thinking, people move on after relationship.

Toptotoe · 05/02/2024 07:41

I can understand that this is hurtful to you, however, I can see nothing spiteful in the message. It seems to me that he has put some thought into it and "our first child together" is an acknowledgement of your daughter.
I would try and put a positive spin on this for your daughters sake as she welcomes a new sibling.

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 07:43

@Shoopstoop This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell people. They probably didn’t even have a wedding, going off of what OP said. I also think they’re trying to set boundaries with her too, which they can do as people with separate lives.

Fitandfree · 05/02/2024 07:43

Our first child together - fine, acknowledges your daughter. My wife - not fine as a way of letting you know re marriage. A friendlier, hi, letting you know, as we've told DD - floosie and I got married last week - we are expecting baby, due date to be confirmed, we'll update you nearer the time. It seems bery formal - do you think they expected a backlash from you, if they did it any other way? This way, you can process on your own, and then reply with an appropriate "congratulations, how did DD seem?" Sorry you are hurting OP, but stay positive for DD, it might be fabulous news to her.

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 05/02/2024 07:48

It's fine.

However, if you were only together 2 years and had time to have a baby and split up, now he's with someone a year and is married with a baby it makes me ender about his ability to fully think things through where children are concerned.

Karmaisagod · 05/02/2024 07:51

I agree with you OP. If he wanted to let you know her was having a baby, he could have simply said "Z is pregnant". Phrases like "my wife" and "our first child together" clearly show a hidden agenda. I understand you being hurt.

I wanted to say this to make you feel supported as the percentages are so strongly the other way, but I can see there's been a few other messages and the conversation has moved on a bit.

Mindful of what someone else said about the "due date" comment, if you haven't responded yet I'd be tempted to send the following. "Congratulations. If you anticipate any impact on our formal joint parenting arrangements, I will appreciate as much notice as possible." Or something similar that someone will word better than me. No being a doormat for you, and absolutely no ! after Congratulations.

rainbowstardrops · 05/02/2024 08:03

I don't think there's anything wrong with the message. Your feelings are perfectly valid but you were together for two years and apart for three. He's moved on. The message was factual and to the point.

queenMab99 · 05/02/2024 08:06

It's not really intentionally spiteful, but the whole situation shows what kind of person he is. You are well rid of him, let him get on with his life, but tactfully protect your child from his feckless ways.

DillDanding · 05/02/2024 08:07

I can totally understand the hurt, but the message itself is completely reasonable.

LillythePinky · 05/02/2024 08:26

Being blunt, it sounds as if you've not got over your break up.
It was a very short relationship and you've been apart longer than you were together.
Presumably, he moved on and you haven't.

If you co-parent your child it may have been kinder to tell you when he saw you rather than by text.

Has the text been sent to lots of people as a 'mass send'?

He's been tactful saying 'our first child together' rather than 'my first child' as he has a first child with you.

Personally, I'm not into texting for important stuff- phone or in-person is better but I'm older and my generation would normally convey news more personally. Text seems rather impersonal for something like this.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 05/02/2024 08:43

I don’t blame you at all for being upset by it, OP. 💐
Of course you’re going to be hurt by the fact that he wasn’t prepared to commit to you despite having a child together, whereas after a short time with the other woman….
Sadly it’s not at all uncommon.

In the circs though probably best to keep understandable hurt feelings to yourself as far as poss, and as regards your dc, just treat it factually.

Flamme · 05/02/2024 08:44

BeardieWeirdie · 04/02/2024 21:10

“Our first child together” is exactly the best way to describe it without minimising his child with you. You need to let this go. It’s good that he told you, and via text means you don’t need to save face/cry in front of him. Please get some counselling so you can move past your break-up.

I'd have said that just "we're expecting a baby" is a better way to describe it in those circumstances.

Dogdilemma2000 · 05/02/2024 08:46

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:29

Wow okay, I’ll ask for clarification on this. In all honesty, I thought they just wanted to keep the due date private, like they did their marriage. Thanks for bringing this up.

Edited
Show quote history

It would be utterly unreasonable to keep the due date private from someone you’re co-parenting with.

He needs to let you know this once it’s been confirmed by midwives, so that you jointly can plan care for your joint child. Understandable if he needs you to have DD around the time of birth, but he doesn’t get to clock off from his duties for a couple of weeks.

Figgygal · 05/02/2024 08:47

I'd be ignoring the rest but definitely asking for a rough idea of what baby is due as it will likely impact when he will have your ds and you need to plan for alternative routines

Given you had a child with him after not that long together not sure why you're surprised hes done it again

FloraMaguire · 05/02/2024 08:48

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2024 22:51

No, the opposite of friendly tbh, too cold, almost like you would write a formal invitation, rather than a friendly co-parent.

Hello X
instead of Hi x, Morning x, Hey X

My wife and I
instead of "me and sarah"
The wife bit is an extra pisstake seeing as they've never bothered to tell her they were married

are expecting our first child together
instead of "are expecting a baby/child"

we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month.
instead of giving an indication of when it will be.

I would honestly expect a message like this to say something like:

Hi OP, just to let you know me and sarah are expecting a baby, we're not really sharing the news widely yet, but we wanted to let you know as we decided to tell DC this weekend, we're not sure on due date, but it will be around late summer time. If DC has any sort of reaction to the news when with you, could you please let us know as we don't want them to feel at all pushed out.

Show quote history

I think that’s why everyone has been confused by your message @sandyhappypeople Because ‘cordial’ means warm and polite, so criticising the message for being ‘too cordial’ seems the opposite of what you actually meant. Did you mean ‘too formal’?

Drttc · 05/02/2024 08:49

You not knowing your child had a stepmother is absolutely out of line. Sorry but I’m with you on this, and frankly find it hard to believe that IRL all these women saying the message is fine would be happy to not have known this to chat about with their DC.

In addition to not being able to know even a rough estimate of when in the year your child will be sharing his dad with a new sibling - it doesn’t sound like ‘co-parenting’. It’s more like two entirely unrelated households that swap a member a few days a week and nothing else.

1983Louise · 05/02/2024 08:49

You're hurt and it's a shock to you, I do think he worded it well, I'm sure he didn't want to hurt you with the news.

Presseddaisy · 05/02/2024 08:50

I don't think it is worded in a cruel way intentionally but the words 'wife' and 'first child together' hurt you because of the history you described with him and that is very valid. It would probably help a great deal if you are able to access some counselling to work through your feelings about what happened if it is something which you are still struggling with enough to impact you frequently. The end of a relationship and the future you were expecting can be a lot like like grief and there is no shame needing support with it even many years later. Or it could be that this specific message was very triggering but generally you are doing very well about the split it which case maybe just be kind to yourself for a while, practice lots of self care and talk it through with someone you feel safe to do so if needed.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 05/02/2024 08:50

Your ex has moved on and that can come as a bit of a shock, but there is nothing to be done other than accept it and try to do the same.

Kdtym10 · 05/02/2024 08:51

I’d be more concerned about his level of irresponsibility.,he’s got two women pregnant within a year of seeing them (and married one). What’s next?

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 08:52

@Drttc

Sorry but she knew he had a girlfriend, and previous to this message, he referred to her as “girlfriend/partner.” She doesn’t need to know when and how they got married, as she already knows that he’s in a relationship that her daughter is around. It doesn’t make much of a difference to OP whether the woman is wife or girlfriend to his ex.

Though it wasn’t fair of them to not give a date initially, they gave it later when she asked.

Janetime · 05/02/2024 08:52

I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you need to try to take a step back, the message and the baby isn’t about you, it’s about them. I understand in your mind it is all about you and the fact he didn’t wish to marry etc and you split up, but the message is very polite and fine.

maybe you need some help to adjust to the fact your split up and he has moved on?

SamPoodle123 · 05/02/2024 08:52

Do you still have feelings for your ex? This is the only reason I could think of why you would be so upset by this message. His message is perfectly acceptable. I would just respond, that is great news congratulations. And then try to move on.

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