New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

@SpeedyDrama I don’t think it’s that big of an issue if she’ll be told the date a month before, which is what they’ve suggested. She’s followed up on this, and they’ve told her June. I don’t know what more she needs from them.

So you’ve been split up for longer than you were even together, and that was only two years?

He’s moved on, he’s being polite with you, coparenting well with you and has now met and married his wife and they’re having a family together. He doesn’t owe you anything anymore, other than to be polite. They are a family now, and you don’t have special rights or privileges to their life or their business just because you used to be with one of them.

It sounds like you’re still raw about the breakup and looking for ways to feel hurt and spite towards him. Understandable when you’ve been hurt by a break up, but he’s not done anything wrong.

Why did you split up?

My feeling is the relationship was never going to work and you (both) hung on in because of the child.

Why did it not work?

If you can recall all the bad stuff that went on, you might see you had a lucky escape and he's not such a prize after all.

He comes over as one of those men who rush into things and women get pregnant along the way by him.

He might end up as one of those dreadful men who have 3 kids with 3 different women before they are 30.

He doesn't sound a catch.

Why is he a prick?

Why are you doing this, it is clearly a huge stretch with nothing to indicate what you’re saying, are you trying to cause her more worry?

That’s what I was thinking, she got pregnant, he tried to make it work, it didn’t, he co parents his child well. They’ve been split 3 years, he’s met someone , they are married and expecting. What part of that makes him a prick?

They’ve been split three years! The op doesn’t even know for sure how long they’ve been together. What would you like, a decade of mourning?

Why is he a prick?

Des he come over to you as responsible?

Yes, it takes two.

But both the OP and this wife/woman became pregnant within the first year of being with him.

That to me doesn't sound like a man (or a couple) who take parenting very seriously because you can't possibly be so sure that a relationship is going to work within less than a year of being with someone.

Unless of course they are all very mature and older, and running out of time to have a child.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year,

@Janetime Maybe read the OP's posts more carefully?

See above.

Another woman, pregnant by him within a year or less of meeting.

some posters reading skills are shockingly bad.

Why am I doing what? The op is questioning the tone of the text, if other people are allowed to suggest she’s hankering after her ex rather than just finding what is usually an amicable relationship suddenly turned oddly formal, and see their child being left out of key events in their dads life either just until or even after they’ve happened as a bit rude in the least, then it may be something to consider. It’s not about the op at all, it’s about what’s fair for their child and in two respects from this text, dad has not been fair. It absolutely holds ground that this may carry on once due date is approaching, in the very least their child is owed as much preparation for that as the new parents, and certainly put in place now that it will not affect visitation with dad in the slightest.

I don't think he had any obligation to be any kinder than he has been. But - he would have been a better person if he had let you know of the marriage beforehand, even if it were an elopement. You finding out about the marriage by him saying 'my wife' was a little unkind, though probably due to lack of imagination more than him thinking about how to be hurtful.

He would have been a better person if he had told you face-to-face, and also made sure your child were central to him breaking the news, e.g. 'I will still put X first - they will be a brilliant older brother/sister'.

Gently - he didn't marry the new partner to be unreasonably unfair, but because he is more committed to their relationship. Time heals, though. Don't let him see it stings.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that message. At all.

No, I think you’re the one misunderstanding.

OP implied she got pregnant at the very start of their relationship, by error, but they stayed together for as long as they could.

She’s also stated that she knew about their relationship 1 year ago, when her told her. But note that he told her about it some months after they were together, as he was planning to introduce their child to his gf at the time. It could very well be that they got pregnant around the one year mark - we don’t know if this was planned. And I think the fact that he married his wife, unlike OP, shows that he is serious in his attempt to make this family long lasting.

Why are you judging the characters of people you don’t know, with information that is barely sufficient? It’s not nice.

I’d even add that we don’t know if the baby will be in June, it could be July for all we know.

You are making scenarios up
How do you think this is helpful?

Can completely understand you being hurt however I think this was quite reasonable.

it hurts though and I can understand that (even if you don't want them back it's weird).

Its totally understandable that youare hurting. Sorry you feel this way.

I don't think there was any less painful way to tell you though. It's carefully worded and allows you time to think and get over it before you are him or heard it from the children

What do you think is made up? The dad got married without involving their child and put two loaded bits of information into one text for child’s mother. That may not be here nor there longterm but it’s still certainly already showing poor form as a parent. Secondly, giving a vague idea of when the baby is due is absolutely fine and not hugely necessary information for most people, except when you already have a child and especially when you’re now making a ‘new’ (for lack of better word) family. That is not made up, its literally in the op and whatever anyone’s view of the op overreacting about the tone of the text, most people are missing how actually unfair this is to the child he already has.

So no, I don’t think it’s too much of a leap to preempt any more last minute little bombshells from the ex. Thats why things should be made clear now from both sides. And as you will have seen in my previous post, I told the op not to jump the gun, congratulate the couple, make no mention of the marriage but to casually but firmly ground that their child needs to adjust to the news and still have their routine.

The OP has given a lot of information. Some of it is muddled.

At first the OP says they have been together a year.
Then she says she think the baby is due in June.
Then she says that when she knew he'd been seeing this woman for a year, he implied he'd known her for a while .
Then she says she thinks they are only married because of the baby (and that's because SHE wanted marriage when she was pregnant.)

But she also says she thinks they 'eloped' to get married once they knew she was pregnant.

Does anyone elope nowadays? Why would they?

OP has still not said why they split up. my feeling is they were never really together , it was just the accidental pregnancy early on in their relationship that made them try to make it work, maybe against his wishes. He knew she wasn't right for him, which is why he wouldn't get married.

No one elopes now unless they are 16 and run away to Gretna Green.

This is just wild speculation @SimplyMother

Its a huge leap based on your vivid imagination
Nothing theOp has said indicates that he will absolve himself of his parental duties once the baby arrives

Some people do have very simple weddings with just a couple of witnesses

Sorry, but it strikes me as a perfectly normal, even scrupulously polite, message.

Um, she goes on to say she doesn’t no how long they’ve been together, she found out a year ago. Honestly before you come over all school marm, best to read the ops post more carefully.

Never said he fully would, I said that the fact he said he’d give the due date closer to the time suggests he may expect the op to pick up the ball of having to drop the news that a new baby is imminent rather than give enough time to process it and the fact he’s going to give such short notice may mean he’ll expect to drop out of his share of parenting leading up to due date and shortly after. Which would be unfair to the child and why this needs to be made clear sooner rather than later. It’s simply about clarifying the situation to everyone so no more random last minute bombshells are given, the op can be straight about visitations staying as close to typical now rather than it being an argument ‘close to due date’.