New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

Literally all of it.

Im sorry you’re feeling hurt by this message but it doesn’t look spiteful at all to me. It’s very reasonable and factual. Maybe you’re hurt by the situation? :( in which case there isn’t really a great way of telling you, I think this was probably the best he could think of. I can’t really think of a better way to put it either…

Yes it’s a bombshell but how would you have wanted to informed of the news? You are allowed to have feelings about it but that doesn’t mean that he has been rude.

This.
In actually think he said “our first child together” to be kind maybe. He is acknowledging that his first child is the one he has with you.

YABU

Why oh why does anyone think a text is an appropriate way of communicating this news? OP you have dodged a bullet there, what a charmer! Doesn't have the courage to tell you to your face.

I guess it depends on the person. Many people prefer to receive news like this by text as it gives them time to process it on their own. I know I’d prefer it this way rather than getting the news delivered at drop off or by the ex saying he has something to tell me and arranging time to speak.

If they've just got married this weekend, without telling you, then he's put 'my wife and I' in the message, seems really off. Then why keep the site date a secret?? It's basic stuff. The first thing anyone asks is 'when are you due?' So I personally feel that they've done that deliberately, just to keep you hanging and wondering. Perhaps his new partner has some insecurities about you, and that's why she wanted to withhold information? Or would he be one to do that to spite you?

Why would he have to tell her face to face?

Not all exes would want to hear this face to face, sure whatever he did would be wrong though

I get how you're feeling: the life you thought you have with him, he's having with her.

Have a good wallow then blow your nose and wipe your face. Let him go and face the future; there's someone wonderful who wants to make you his Mrs in it x

I understand why you’re hurting. I think just referring to “my wife” is a bit of a shitty way of letting you know. Would have been better if he’d said “Hi SimplyMother, just wanted to let you know that Sue and I have married and that she’s expecting.” And I’ve always found “expecting our first child” a bit pompous, I don’t know why.

It’s a bit cold and formal but not spiteful.

It is tough for you. Allow yourself to feel upset, angry, jealous etc. It’s ok to feel emotions at this double bombshell. Get some counselling if the feelings don’t ease. But allow yourself to feel some pain and then gradually move on. What they have done is done; the exact wording is meaningless in the scheme of things. The best thing you can do is lead a good life now with your lovely boy. Who knows what your future holds; I hope you will lead a full and happy life yourself too.

It is ok to feel shocked and sad for a bit. But getting bogged down in analysing the wording won’t help anyone, esp you xx

Are you sure they are are actually married? People call each other Wife and Husband these days without benefit of clergy.

Easily checked out.

Marriages are deemed to be public property so ask him in a friendly and lightly interested way. They're also a matter of public record so there'll be an entry somewhere. If they're hitched this will be recorded on the baby's birth certificate - depending on how far you want to take it. Is there anything on SM?

It seems like an informative and kindly letter.
Congratulations are in order.

Your child will be a big sibling.

It would be terrible to find this out in the street when you are least expecting it or to have your DC announce it to you.

You are upset, understandably, because you were not the life partner chosen by your ex. He has identified another, and quickly.
Hopefully it will work out and provide joy for your DC.

Talk about over investing seriously!

I did not think it was bad, but this would have been so much less. I bet his wife wrote that. Just say “congratulations “ and show nothing. It stings but better things to come.

I don’t think there’s an issue with the message. It’s formal and to the point but if he’d written something longer and more personal people would be complaining he was treating you like a friend and why should you care to know about his marriage. I think he probably doesn’t want to dwell on things. He wrote in a way to give you all the facts and because he hasn’t announced his wedding you don’t need to congratulate him.

YABU there is nothing spiteful about what he has done is he suppose to never get married or have anymore children just incase it upsets you your not together anymore he doesn’t need to consider your feelings over what he chooses to do.

YABU because you've been split from him longer than you were together; he is going to move on.
Also, he has brought a new woman into your child's life very quickly after your break-up. You don't say how old she is, but assuming she is under 2 years old as you were only together for 2. This is very unfair on the child and how iscshe expected to process such news?

In the nicest possible way. you are.

I would say that he’s done the right thing as it would be worse to hear it from your child, but I can see how there’s a possibility he chose the sentence “our first child together” to imply first of more to come…” ie this is my new shiny growing family as opposed to the former family? I mean it’s true enough perhaps but it’s still a bit hard to hear and know. I would say that he is glossing over “my wife” because he’s had a quickie wedding due to the pregnancy! Bet it was ultra simple registry office which is why you didn’t hear. I’d say a twinge of awkwardness about that is the reason you’re only finding out now.

If he's generally an ass and spiteful then yes it could be a poorly worded message, but if he's generally decent then YABU

Sorry OP but how did you want him to word it? You were going to be upset no matter what.