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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

453 replies

SimplyMother · 04/02/2024 21:04

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Limenlemon · 05/02/2024 12:27

With regards to the due date, I regret letting everyone know mine. In hindsight (and for any future babies if that happens) I'd only give a vague month or so too, apart from a very select few.

However he was to word it would have hurt, and your feelings aren't invalid, but what's done is done. Hope you feel better after some clarity of the situation.

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:27

pootlin · 05/02/2024 12:23

I do think it could have been worded differently given he knew OP wanted to marry him. ‘X and I are having a baby’ would have done.

And he’s said his dd isn’t welcome for overnights. That’s pretty shitty and implies she’s not part of their newborn bubble.

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This is crazy - the child is spending days there like normal. I think you’re forgetting that his wife is a first time mum, I think she deserves nights to adapt, like every other first time mum.

pootlin · 05/02/2024 12:28

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:27

This is crazy - the child is spending days there like normal. I think you’re forgetting that his wife is a first time mum, I think she deserves nights to adapt, like every other first time mum.

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But he’s not a first time dad and he would be parenting his child, not the first time mum.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/02/2024 12:30

sandyhappypeople · 04/02/2024 22:51

No, the opposite of friendly tbh, too cold, almost like you would write a formal invitation, rather than a friendly co-parent.

Hello X
instead of Hi x, Morning x, Hey X

My wife and I
instead of "me and sarah"
The wife bit is an extra pisstake seeing as they've never bothered to tell her they were married

are expecting our first child together
instead of "are expecting a baby/child"

we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month.
instead of giving an indication of when it will be.

I would honestly expect a message like this to say something like:

Hi OP, just to let you know me and sarah are expecting a baby, we're not really sharing the news widely yet, but we wanted to let you know as we decided to tell DC this weekend, we're not sure on due date, but it will be around late summer time. If DC has any sort of reaction to the news when with you, could you please let us know as we don't want them to feel at all pushed out.

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Then I think you’ve misunderstood what cordial means, and that’s why people are confused.

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:31

pootlin · 05/02/2024 12:28

But he’s not a first time dad and he would be parenting his child, not the first time mum.

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Yes, but he’s never parented with her. It’s a new experience for both of them in that regard too. And that child will still spend daytimes with them.

You don’t know how the older child is. The stress of being a new mum, doesn’t need to be worsened by the stress of a partner not helping at night, as they’re preoccupied with another child that didn’t need to be there. He should be using his parenting experience to help her at nighttime.

forthelovesofmogs · 05/02/2024 12:31

@1Rebecca
I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

mponder · 05/02/2024 12:31

Wow he needs to stop having babies with women so quickly!!

caggie3 · 05/02/2024 12:32

For what it's worth coming from another stranger on the internet, my 4 year old is very much loved, and overall feels secure but he also wouldn't of been happy going to sleep at grandparents as soon as his baby brother was born. We made sure he felt included and like the baby joined his life, rather than changed it. No matter how much you word it like it's a treat, kids can be a lot smarter than we give them credit for and I think a lot of children would feel turfed out and upset at this. It's a really important time to ensure other children feel loved and secure. I don't think it's fair to say a secure child wouldn't feel this way, everyone is capable of feeling insecure sometimes especially in new, life changing situations.

mponder · 05/02/2024 12:33

The "wife" bit is harsh though. He could have used her name or told you separately.

Diamonde · 05/02/2024 12:33

This is crazy - the child is spending days there like normal. I think you’re forgetting that his wife is a first time mum, I think she deserves nights to adapt, like every other first time mum.

Other families don't get to dispatch their children when a new baby comes along. He's still the father, I'm sure he can manage his own two children that he chose to have.

Pretty shit for the child to be excluded like that. Even if op doesn't need the help and could look after dd, dd should be welcome and invited.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/02/2024 12:34

DocOck · 05/02/2024 11:53

He can't opt out of overnights because he has a newborn. How does he think people with two+ children cope.

He hasn't opted out. He's asked if OP could have her, that's not 'opting' out and he's basically said it's fine either way, as she can spend time with grandparents. It would probably be massively beneficial for the other child - believe me if I could have asked someone to have my other children when I had my newborn, I would have!

Well he is opting out. Cos if OP doesn’t keep her dd, she’ll be shunted to his parents. Becuase heaven forfend he have both HIS children overnight at the same time.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2024 12:35

Yes you are not unreasonable to be hurt by this. That he has moved on so quickly, got married and now having a baby. But its done. I wouldnt be too keen to be over friendly amd co-operative after this. And I certainly wouldnt offer congratulations. But saying that you need to act in the best interests of your own child. It doesn't sound as if you are over him or have met anybody else, so you have a right to be sad.

DocOck · 05/02/2024 12:36

Imagine spending time with grandparents as being "shunted". What sort of family do you come from?

Most kids see going to see at grandparents as a treat because usually they get spoiled. I've never known a child to see it as a chore or an imposition.

SpeedyDrama · 05/02/2024 12:37

@SimplyMother at this risk of getting my arse handed to me again… it was right you raised visiting/his time now so things could be clarified. So, he says a week or two maybe day visit then back to normal? Personally I’d compromise on this to show you’re being fair and understand. Obviously if labour and hospital is involved, that choice is out of everyone’s hand. Id say:

’Certainly Labour/hospital means that our child will be with me until you’re all home. The first visit should be a gentle introduction, we’ll decide at the time if it’s easier for our child to come home after or if they want to have fun with grandparents. I’ll leave you to share your news with our child, can I ask that you do so sooner rather than later - it may be something they want to talk about along the way. After that first week of settling in we can carry on as usual arrangements. Obviously with the wedding just need to know where our child will be on the day as it will be quite a big event for them, but otherwise congratulations to you and x, thank you for keeping me informed’.

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:38

Diamonde · 05/02/2024 12:33

This is crazy - the child is spending days there like normal. I think you’re forgetting that his wife is a first time mum, I think she deserves nights to adapt, like every other first time mum.

Other families don't get to dispatch their children when a new baby comes along. He's still the father, I'm sure he can manage his own two children that he chose to have.

Pretty shit for the child to be excluded like that. Even if op doesn't need the help and could look after dd, dd should be welcome and invited.

Well my mother, told me my brother would be born one month later than he actually was. Then when my brother was born, I spent 2 weeks at my cousins house at nighttime. I have a few siblings, but this one is my favourite. It didn’t impact me at all - I think this is an overreaction.

caggie3 · 05/02/2024 12:40

DocOck · 05/02/2024 12:36

Imagine spending time with grandparents as being "shunted". What sort of family do you come from?

Most kids see going to see at grandparents as a treat because usually they get spoiled. I've never known a child to see it as a chore or an imposition.

I don't think it has anything to do with a poor relationship with grandparents or any particular 'sort of family'. I think it has everything to do with timing and the massive life change that can understandably cause even the most secure children to feel insecure during that vulnerable adjustment period. I get this is AIBU and apparently acceptable to pile on and tear the OPs down, but to act like it's strange for a child to want to be with their parents over their grandparents during a time of great change, and that it must mean they are insecure or have negative relationships is just a bit, well, daft.

pootlin · 05/02/2024 12:40

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:31

Yes, but he’s never parented with her. It’s a new experience for both of them in that regard too. And that child will still spend daytimes with them.

You don’t know how the older child is. The stress of being a new mum, doesn’t need to be worsened by the stress of a partner not helping at night, as they’re preoccupied with another child that didn’t need to be there. He should be using his parenting experience to help her at nighttime.

Edited
Show quote history

preoccupied with another child that didn’t need to be there.

Of course dd needs to be there, it’s her home too!

Other dads manage to take care of older child whilst supporting the mum with new baby.

If OP was the one sending her dd off to her dad’s for overnights for 2 weeks whilst she had a baby you’d be singing a different tune.

PinkEasterbunny · 05/02/2024 12:42

But OP, please don't be the bitter ex who did her best to keep her ex-husband apart from his new wife when she and their baby were only just alive after a very traumatic delivery and transfusion/surgery etc. Thread also trending recently on MN.

I know first wives find it hard to understand, but very occasionally other people's needs trump theirs (and their childrens).

ButtercupFlower · 05/02/2024 12:42

This wasn’t ever going to be an easy message to get and I’m sure it hurt you.
However, I don’t think he was being spiteful - it seems factual and looks like he wanted to tell DC first but then tell you very shortly after so that you didn’t have to hear it from DC. It’s pretty off that he didn’t tell you that he had got married as presumably DC would have wanted to be involved but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong with this message. However, you are allowed to feel exactly how you feel. Hugs.

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:43

pootlin · 05/02/2024 12:40

preoccupied with another child that didn’t need to be there.

Of course dd needs to be there, it’s her home too!

Other dads manage to take care of older child whilst supporting the mum with new baby.

If OP was the one sending her dd off to her dad’s for overnights for 2 weeks whilst she had a baby you’d be singing a different tune.

Show quote history

No I wouldn’t, and as I’ve stated above, I wasn’t there for the birth of my siblings. To be honest, my DS wasn’t even there for the birth of his younger siblings as they were born in a different country. He’s still close with them and spends holidays there.

JFDIYOLO · 05/02/2024 12:43

It doesn't seem remotely spiteful. Just absolutely factual information from someone you don't share your life with. This IS their first child together.

You and he weren't each others' The One. They are. That's why they're married now, and that fact isn't really your business.

Send a cheerful congratulations and best wishes. He and your child will be connected to the baby - keep it pleasant.

1Rebecca · 05/02/2024 12:44

Could you provide the title for this please? Thank you.

Singingseals · 05/02/2024 12:45

TheOriginalEmu · 05/02/2024 12:34

Well he is opting out. Cos if OP doesn’t keep her dd, she’ll be shunted to his parents. Becuase heaven forfend he have both HIS children overnight at the same time.

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Indeed. I have seen first time mums to be have their arses handed to them on here for suggesting that step DC have a short period of no overnights once their own baby is born. And I have to say I agree - if you choose to have DC with a man who already has DC, you unfortunately don’t get to do those “firsts” in your little bubble of 3 as you would if it were the first baby for both of you. It’s tough but surely obvious that that is the deal?

PinkEasterbunny · 05/02/2024 12:49

I have seen first time mums to be have their arses handed to them on here for suggesting that step DC have a short period of no overnights once their own baby is born. And I have to say I agree - if you choose to have DC with a man who already has DC, you unfortunately don’t get to do those “firsts” in your little bubble of 3 as you would if it were the first baby for both of you. It’s tough but surely obvious that that is the deal?

Well it would be the deal if the step child's mother was no longer around, but thats not often the case. In which case is it really so bad for a new mum to have a day or two to adjust without the older children around (as often happens in together families and no one bats an eyelid). Sadly so many women act out of spite.

LillythePinky · 05/02/2024 12:50

It's so odd how people use language @SimplyMother

A wedding doesn't have to be a posh do with all the stuff that goes with it.
That's really a party. Being 'wedded' is being married.

Sounds like he's trying to downplay it.

I don't necessarily agree that your child has to be at the wedding party.

I can see how you're so hurt, because he's married her 'before the baby arrives' and that's what you wanted.

I'd step back and carry on co-parenting and, if you're really cut up over his new life, maybe you could consider counselling to help you work through your anger and disappointment.