New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

I’m not angry, I didn’t say anything to him, beyond an “okay, thank you.” I just have concerns, but all is good if it goes the way he’s proposing in the message.

He can't opt out of overnights because he has a newborn. How does he think people with two+ children cope.

He hasn't opted out. He's asked if OP could have her, that's not 'opting' out and he's basically said it's fine either way, as she can spend time with grandparents. It would probably be massively beneficial for the other child - believe me if I could have asked someone to have my other children when I had my newborn, I would have!

Yes, my feeling is more like this, I’m just struggling to articulate myself well. But once more, if he spends daytime like usual, then it’s fine.

That's not how a young child will see it though.

My dd would not have coped being sent to sleep somewhere else when I had my newborn. She felt very insecure with the new baby around. She wanted reassurance and love from me. Not a sleepover at her grandparents house.

I don't see it as "escaping overnights", anybody having a second baby has to have childcare plans in place for their elder DC for the time of the actual birth. Of course you don't want to see your DD sidelined for the new baby and sooner or later they're going to have to work as one family unit.

My dd would not have coped being sent to sleep somewhere else when I had my newborn. She felt very insecure with the new baby around. She wanted reassurance and love from me. Not a sleepover at her grandparents house.

@Butterandtoast That's your DD though, most children don't react like that, especially if they feel secure, which they should do if you introduce the idea of a new baby carefully during the pregnancy. We have five kids and not one of them needed reassurance. It's odd to say your DD wouldn't 'cope'.

It really isn't odd at all

But that's exactly how many children see it. How exciting that they get a few nights at Granny's house being treated than being woken all night thanks to the new baby.

It takes two
And it sounds like they both tried to make it work for their daughter but for whatever reason the relationship broke down ,sometimes they do and its nobodies fault

I don’t think the message was spiteful or nasty in any way. I think you’re feeling upset because it’s a shift in how things have been. You don’t have any choice in the matter but you’ll somehow have to incorporate a half sibling into your child’s life. And make decisions, do you send a congrats card from just dc or you and dc, buy a gift or not etc….
It was sprung on you x 2 , first that they’re married and she’s pregnant. Maybe you see “ married” as superior to you and he being unmarried? Think of it as you saved money in a divorce 😀
Youll get used to the idea but it takes time.
( my husband ( later ex husband) had been married before. His ex wife was pregnant by her partner but phoned my husband after each ante natal visit to tell him about it…….. and also instructed us on what to buy as a baby gift. So could be worse🤷‍♀️)

There’s nothing wrong with temporarily pausing overnights while everyone adjusts.

I can’t remember how old DD is but it would be quite disruptive to have to wake her up because SM is on labour. Similarly, a new baby could keep her up at night.

Like most things, it’s how you pitch it to DC. Explain to her that it could be disruptive so while things get settled you and dad feel it best that she doesn’t sleep over for a week or so. Then ask DD if she’d like to stay at her grandparents for a couple of nights…if DD is upset by it then your ex can review it. I think a lot of full time siblings would like a break from a new baby, etc…others would also have arrangements in place near the due date.

Chill out and stop looking for mischief where there is none.

His message to OP was shitty given their history and his wish to offload his dd for overnights when he’ll be off on paternity leave is shitty.

And this is something the OP does have some control over - whether her DD thinks she is being sent out of the way or getting a treat and being spoiled at her grandparents'.

I think the original message was out of order. I think they should have told you first, actually, so that you could prepare your child. That's just my thoughts though. You need to now just steady yourself and stay calm and relaxed. Keep things cordial but not too friendly. I also found his message to be a bit off. I wonder why he didn't phone? The new wife probably wrote the message, because us women understand the nuances and undertones that hurt other women. Anyway, stay chilled and upbeat. X

Indeed. I do think you need to be very careful OP that you're not influencing how your daughter reacts to all this by watching how you phrase things. How old is she out of curiosity, I'm not sure if I saw you mention it?

Not that the OP has actually expressed any concern for DD 🤷🏼‍♀️ just concern at how unfair it is that she didn’t get a ring

you too, can meet someone new and have more kids with him , do not lose hope or be hurt

Is message was factual I'm not sure ow else he could have e worded it.
And he isn't off loading his daughter head made alternative arrangements such lots of families do

I don’t think it was bad of him per se, but I do think @SimplyMother that because you say you get on ok and co-parent well, that he could have come on his own and told your DC and you at the same time. Or even, told you on the phone and then the two of you could have told your DC together.

But he’s not really done anything wrong or too awful.

I’m also sure this would be construed very differently if mum had asked ex-DP to have DC extra while she welcomed a new baby….people would lambast him for saying no. Men and SM are treated poorly on this site

Ah, here we go again - in a together family it would be fine if the older child was despatched to Granny/sister for a day or two while Mum gives birth, but if anyone suggests a step child be despatched then the balloon goes up. If the OP is already getting herself riled about any change of routine, then it's going to be a long nine (or whatever) months.

That aside, OP - I completely get the shock and upset. I had been happily married to my current DH for around 5 years when I found out that my ex had married, had a baby and just sold the house we used to live in. It totally floored me.

I'm really surprised by the replies here. Of course it would be really hurtful for you to hear that he was married like this. Why on earth would he not tell you that was happening? That's horrible. And I also think "we are having a baby" would have been much nicer than this formal "expecting our first child" language which implies she and him will definitely be having more children, unlike him and you.

I find it so weird how people who have kids together can treat each other in such a cold and business-like way (no matter how long they've been separated).

I do think it could have been worded differently given he knew OP wanted to marry him. ‘X and I are having a baby’ would have done.

And he’s said his dd isn’t welcome for overnights. That’s pretty shitty and implies she’s not part of their newborn bubble.

This thread also reminds me of one currently in Step-parenting…if this isn’t managed properly then that situation is the one you’re going to end up in

Could you give the title?