New baby announcement - hurt feelings. AIBU?

[SimplyMother]

My ex has just sent me a text during his custody of our child.

“Hello X, my wife and I are expecting our first child together soon. I’m just letting you know as we’ve just told DC, we’ll let you know of the due date closer to the month. Thanks.”

I’m quite the understanding person but I can’t help be be upset by this. I’m not sure if I’m a being unreasonable but I found this message to be spiteful? But I don’t see why he’d do this intentionally, as we coparent well and get along fine.

The first thing is that they’ve only been together for one year, and I’m suddenly finding out that they’re married. This hurts me as we were together for 2, yet he didn’t even propose, despite me asking and having our child in our first year together. He obviously knows this, hence why I feel like this was a slight jab - why wait till now to announce it and in this way?

I feel even more hurt due to his wording of “our first child together.” While the sentence is true, I find it to be crafted to be hurtful for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’d like a second opinion. For context we’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

Thank you.

It absolutely doesn’t suggest this. Just stop.he co parents well.

Can't see what is wrong with that message. Obviously there is other background going on here but the message itself? Perfectly polite and courteous.

Would you have rather just discovered from social media etc?

When me and my DH had a baby we both respectfully let our ex-partners know once we had told the other children in the family, didn't want them finding out from somewhere else. Which I imagine would feel a lot worse than getting a succinct text informing you.

@x2boys A simple, small wedding is not the same as eloping.

Eloping means running away to be married secretly, usually without parental consent.

Good job making it all about you, OP 👍

The message from him was completely reasonable. Not spiteful at all.

You are hurt because he has remarried and having another child, which is understandable but nothing that you can justify being angry at him for.

Obviously me and a couple of other posters here are at a disagreement. It is absolutely not uncommon in real life for the non-residential parent to sometimes start not fully meeting their commitments around a new baby being born, that’s simply realistic. It’s not unreasonable to set aside the OP’s feelings and place firm boundaries of what’s fair for their child right now, whatever the ex was going to do closer to the time. To me, telling the op that they will inform the due date closer to the time is already a slippery slope of putting aside what’s best for the child who is the only important person in this equation in terms of adjusting feelings.

Im repeating myself now so I’ll leave it at that.

The child is very young though, and won’t have any idea of dates.

I also think the messages to date give no indication of impending withdrawal from parenting. I think you’ve just given the OP something else to worry about, probably needlessly.

There is absolutely no difference in substance between the message he sent and this rephrased message. Stop projecting - you are in danger of spoiling a co-parenting relationship which appears to have worked up until now, for no good reason at all.

To me, if the bloke knew he was never going to want to commit to the OP (as seems likely) then he should have taken care not to get her pregnant.

I also think the messages to date give no indication of impending withdrawal from parenting. I think you’ve just given the OP something else to worry about, probably needlessly.

Agree with that. What's the point in speculating over anything?

We never told either of our exes the due date of our baby, why should we? It is none of their business at the end of the day, information they don't need as we had no intention of 'withdrawal from parenting' and we're able to carry on with our commitments as always.

You’re right @SimplyMother his message was odd, jibey and looking for a power grab.

He says “wife and I” to take you off guard as you didn’t know and then she is given higher status than you.

Secondly, the vague “we’ll let you know closer to the time” is trying to hold power, they are important, how this impacts you is insignificant and you need know nothing about it yadda yadda…

He’s being a knob.

The way you worded the alternate message in your last post would be the norm.

I don’t know why he’s doing this, or why your child wasn’t involved in his wedding - elopement or no.

Please don’t let it bother you, he is looking for a reaction and to feel better about himself, no doubt this pregnancy wasn’t planned either.

Co-parent as usual, make sure you have legal agreements as to his commitment to your child in terms of custody and financial contributions, short and long term.

@LillythePinky@1Rebecca

There’s no need for this back and forth. I had texted him, asking if DD attended the wedding, and why he had her attend without notifying me.

This is his response, “Hi X, I understand your concern but no, we didn’t have DC attend the wedding, as we didn’t have one. We just had a quick ceremony at the registry office 3 months ago, so that we’re married before the baby arrives. We plan to have a proper wedding Ceremony sometime next year, where DC will be present. We plan to do this during my custody time, but you will be notified anyways.

Regarding the due date, I don’t think I’m obligated to give you the exact date right now and would like to keep this private. I have already given you the month, and I believe this is sufficient.

Regarding custody of DC, you’re correct to bring this up, though my wife and I have yet to conclude what we’d do. It could be that the week of and the week after the child’s birth, we’d prefer you to have overnights with DC. It could also before the week before and the week of the birth. In any case, DC is still welcome during the day as usual to spend time with us and her new sibling, just not overnight for a week or two. This is also dependent on my work schedule. If you can’t do the overnights, that’s fine, my parents are happy to have DC overnight.”

There was more, but I don’t think it’s relevant. When it comes to their timeline, he told me about his new relationship in November, and that he’d introduce our DC to her in March “as it would’ve been 6 months.” Which he did do.

I had texted him, asking if DD attended the wedding, and why he had her attend without notifying me.

Why would he have had to notify you? Assuming he has PR and doesn't need your permission?

He sounds like he's giving you plenty of information.

It's obviously going to be hard for you but it genuinely sounds like you and he were never intending to be all that serious and the only reason you stayed together as long as you did is because you were trying for the sake of your child. If you hadn't had a child you would still not have had the wedding or happily ever after with him and part of you is very jealous this new child will get something yours didn't.

It's hard to accept and obviously your emotions are all over the place understandably but he's moved on and you really need to do the same.

This all sounds more than reasonable tbh. The tricky thing about co parenting with an ex is remembering that he's telling you this info not because you as an ex have any right to know, but because it affects your child. Therefore sharing the information about how it relates to your child and what they'll be involved in and plans etc is fair enough; he doesn't owe you an explanation. As long as you're both on the same page and supportive of the overnights halting for 2 weeks no reason yours will feel pushed out when the time arrives

@Buckarood I’m sorry but I don’t see why he should escape overnights. That’s still his child.

I sort of feel like you're desperately looking for any reason to be mad at him to be honest. He said if you couldn't accommodate them stopping his parents would have her. So he's already given you a perfectly reasonable alternative? Why is that him escaping overnights?

She's not raging, she's just asking him. Fair enough. She thought they got on well, but yet he went out of his way to hide a wedding. I'd also be asking what's up with that.

Well no, I won’t contest it, he does have a good resolution. But I’m not seeing why I have to be on the same page. It’s fine, since it won’t disrupt my schedule, but it feels not very good to have DC sent away because of their new child. But, if he has her during the day as normal, I can be okay with it.

I think you're looking for excuses to be mad at your ex OP, everything he has said is reasonable and some of it is on a need to know basis and you don't need to know.

Given how the OP is looking for excuses to go mad at him I'm not surprised he hid it.

I can understand why you are hurt about the whole situation, but the message, in itself, is ok. I think there was no good way for you to hear this news.

She's not being sent away though, and it's this kind of language that you're using that makes it feel like no matter what he does he will always be in the wrong. She's going to spend a few nights with her grandparents, not being abandoned with a stranger.

Well he's said he'll see them during the day as usual, sounds nice to be honest- days with new sibling and then spend the night with grandparents. I suspect it was to give you the option as to whether you'd rather have her with you overnight just for 1 or 2 weeks rather than with his parents. If you don't then that's fine. He's balancing the needs of his wife, his new baby and his daughter it sounds like.

He can't opt out of overnights because he has a newborn. How does he think people with two+ children cope.

He needs to think about his current dc too, they will feel even more left out if they're not able to spend the night like they normally do while everyone is gushing over the new baby.

Great way to start off jealousy issues!