…not to be doing more for my parents?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are in their early 80s, some medical issues but nothing huge - they are active, still drive, still go on holiday etc. However, they are have been getting really clingy over the last couple of years, wanting me to keep doing little things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. I live a 25 min drive away, so it’s not that far. But they constantly ring about trivial things even during work hours, trying to make out they are really urgent when they’re just not.

However, I have a a very high powered job, with long hours, a LOT of overseas travel and a bucket load of stress. We had to move south for work a few years ago so had to increase our mortgage a lot due to the difference in house prices, so quitting my job or going part time isn’t an option. In addition, my brother doesn’t live that far from me but is not that interested in helping, so I get lumbered with dealing with everything, he doesn’t get on that well with my Dad - neither do I, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to not do anything.

Things have recently got worse. They now try to guilt trip me by keep asking what they will do if they need something when I’m away. They tried phoning my husband once whilst I was away about some stupid little thing, whilst he was out at work in an important meeting, and I immediately put the fear of God into them if they ever did that again. I keep telling the,pm they need to call my brother instead, who doesn’t live much further away from them than I do, but they won’t because “he’s not me”.

I don’t want to block their calls or wait ages to ring them back because Sod’s Law the one time I do so it will be a genuine emergency, but I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve tried letting their calls go to voicemail but they just leave a message asking me to ring back urgently and never say what it’s about. I’m feeling guilty about not doing more for them, but I’m really limited as to what I can do with my job commitments, and I know they can do it all themselves if they put their mind to it, and me doing everything for them is not going to help the inevitable long term cognitive decline we all face as we get older. I should also say they are loaded and could easily pay someone to come round and do everything for them.

AIBU to expect them to deal with small stuff themselves and to stop bugging me to do it?

You need to tell them, no ifs, no buts, tell them and see what they say

You have to tell them that you can't be at their beck and call for everything, they can try your brother, if it's an emergency call the appropriate body, GP, plumber electrician, ambulance etc.
In my area there is a voluntary organisation of 'friends, people who can be available for various things like shopping, dog walking, plant watering and lifts. Is it worth checking out if something like that exists near your parents?

I don't think it's about the actual thing they're asking about... it may be that that they know time is ticking and they want to spend more time with you

Tell them they are not to call you during working hours unless it’s a genuine emergency and if they do then they will become the boy who cried wolf and you won’t answer in a genuine emergency.
Then whatever it is they want you to do agree to do it, but not in their time scale. So give them a date in a month or 6 weeks away when you’ll do it and if they want it done sooner either they do it. Or they pay someone to do it

How often do you see them and how often are they calling?

Pff, I think that's a very generous interpretation.

OP, are you female? If so, I expect that has a lot to do with it. My parents raised me to have high expectations for a career and to be an independent person who was not assigned specific roles on account of owning a vagina. So when they started getting needy (only with me and not my brother) I reminded them of how they raised me. They can't have it both ways, since I cannot magic time and energy out of thin air. They are also not frail and have plenty of money.

Can you set up something with your brother so you alternate a visit every other week for anything they can't do themselves?

My siblings and I have different roles in the care of my elderly mum but she is really fragile etc

I have POA my sister sorts the carers etc.

Maybe certainly of a visit might help.

Either way, be really clear you are not to be called unless it's an emergency.

What's the small stuff?

Things a carer can sort? Or a cleaner? Or a PA? If they need that kind of support, can you arrange with them for someone every day?

I think you certainly have to tell them not to call you or your husband in work hours unless there is a real emergency.

I see them about once a month and call weekly usually, although sometimes fortnightly if I’m travelling abroad for work (I can be away for up to a fortnight a time).

You need to set very clear ground rules. They have to leave a clear description of their needs/the issue on a voice mail if they leave one. They cannot call during work hours unless it’s a 999 emergency. They have to call your brother every other time they need assistance. Etc.

If they don’t adhere to this then you will have to ignore the calls and demands.

Give them a rule that you won't call back unless they leave a voicemail or text which describes the problem. Then you can triage calls much better. Do call back asap if they send a sensible message but don't visit on their schedule. Set your own schedule for visits, maybe once a month, and stick to it.

What sort of stuff? Practical or life admin? What about setting up a system of them making a list of stuff they need help or advice with and then tackling once a fortnight ( preferably giving some of it to your brother). Also is there a handy person near them that they can ask to do practical things? If it's internet stuff can you spend a bit of time helping them bookmark stuff they might need to do online?

When people get older (and your parents have definitely hit this age in their 80s), the small things become huge and whatever small thing they think must be taken care of MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF IMMEDIATELY 😆. I'm not saying this is reasonable, it just becomes the mindset. They will also hyperfocus on something small and be unable to let it go until it is accomplished. We also have to remember that they are probably wanting to spend/talk as much time with you as possible as they get older and older.

Since you can't be there to do every little thing for them and you have commitments of your own, I'd suggest finding a good 'handyman' or something of this nature who they can call when the need arises for something household. If some of what they always call you for could be accomplished via delivery (groceries, food, etc) set up a standing weekly order or whatever it is. See if you can 'outsource' some of their needs from you.

You might also start every phone call you pick up from them with..."I'm in a meeting so if this is not about someone physically being hurt or a medical need, I will call you back later this evening" to perhaps ward off annoying minor things and to train them to call less often?

It varies. Yesterday it was an email they didn’t know what they should do with. Often it’s an upgrade message on their laptop (they are not computer literate). Sometimes they want me to buy something over the internet for them. A couple of weeks ago I had to take them shopping for net curtains. One time they wanted me to re-program their landline phone presets after a power cut.

The thing with elderly people - I learned with my parents, who are now gone (Mum aged 81 in 2017, Dad aged 89 in 2022), that things they used to handle easily for years suddenly become challenging for them.

In Dad's case, it was the advance guard for what would become dementia. Mum died from cancer, but spending 24 hours a day with Dad seemed to afflict her with a kind of 'ineptitude by association'. Or perhaps she would've developed dementia had she lived longer - who knows.

In both cases, their common sense 'chip' also seemed to stop working and thry made some decisions that I swear they'd never have made in their younger days.

What I'm saying here is that you can - in some cases - tell the older folk to stop bugging you as much as you like, but they're unlikely to stop.

They are definitely overblowing the importance of things. It hasn’t helped that my Dads brother died of dementia recently. I do wonder if my Dad might be early stage himself.

In answer to other questions asked:

I am F, 48 and not in the greatest of health myself with arthritis.

My brother is unemployed and has plenty of time on his hands, but he and Dad really don’t get on. I don’t either, but I guess I have more of a sense of duty than he does. I’m just finding the relentless trivial calls draining, especially as I’m going through a tough time at work at the moment.

You are being unreasonable. They are old and scared. Organise some carers for them, get them family-contact alarms, Careline, Ring-type doorbells, cameras in the house so you can check on them. They need help. They're asking for help. They are not the independent people you remember.

eta: The carers need to be daily. You're only calling in once a month, somebody has to give them daily reassurance.

This opening post should be saved as a retort to all those here who bleat at the childfree about how they’ll die alone and who will help them when they’re old.

You are not unreasonable.

I too am in a similar situation (also had the panic call out over emails recently).

My brother is not called as he is 'busy' and has an 'important job' - my parents call me at work instead, in my brother's defence he doesn't agree that it's always me and shares the load if I let him know but my parents don't want to disturb him.

It's infuriating to be discriminated against constantly.

They won’t accept carers.

Sometimes you have to insist. My mother became like this in her 80s when I was still working. She wouldn't have any outside help but when things became intolerable for me I gave her an ultimatum. Either she had carers and a support team of handymen / tech assistants etc or I'd stop answering her calls. I told her she was being selfish and that she was making my life miserable and that I wasn't putting up with it anymore.

She went bananas of course and had a few tantrums / the silent treatment etc but I won in the end. Once she had the helpers all lined up and responding to her needs / wants, she became the sweet lady she'd always been before and now that I'm retired (over 10 years later) she lives with us without any major problems.

@sammylady37

I do help them already. A lot. And I know when they genuinely get ill and infirm that I will need to give them more support. But I can’t be doing an hours round trip in the middle of a working day to set up the presets on their radio just because they think it can’t wait.

And for what it’s worth, I can’t have children due to the medication I take for a medical condition. I am perfectly well aware that I will need to make provision for my own care when I get older. That’s part of the reason I have to work so hard and save so hard now. I’m already planning for future downsizing and other measures to ensure I’m covered.

@Lavenderosa

Thank you for the advice. Maybe I will have to do this, although I dread the response from my Dad 😢

I bet they won't pay.
Be careful OP. This will only escalate as they get older and when one is left alone.
Encourage gardeners, cleaners, taxi services, carers, online shopping, local handymen etc. They need to get used to people (not always you) going through the door.
Old age shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. The rainy day is here. What are their plans for coping if they won't accept carers?
I've seen many a woman end up on antidepressants as this situation esclates. And elderly parental demands and expectations ruin many a relationship. Set your boundaries, decide what is reasonable prioritising your own family, and stick to it.