…not to be doing more for my parents?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are in their early 80s, some medical issues but nothing huge - they are active, still drive, still go on holiday etc. However, they are have been getting really clingy over the last couple of years, wanting me to keep doing little things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. I live a 25 min drive away, so it’s not that far. But they constantly ring about trivial things even during work hours, trying to make out they are really urgent when they’re just not.

However, I have a a very high powered job, with long hours, a LOT of overseas travel and a bucket load of stress. We had to move south for work a few years ago so had to increase our mortgage a lot due to the difference in house prices, so quitting my job or going part time isn’t an option. In addition, my brother doesn’t live that far from me but is not that interested in helping, so I get lumbered with dealing with everything, he doesn’t get on that well with my Dad - neither do I, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to not do anything.

Things have recently got worse. They now try to guilt trip me by keep asking what they will do if they need something when I’m away. They tried phoning my husband once whilst I was away about some stupid little thing, whilst he was out at work in an important meeting, and I immediately put the fear of God into them if they ever did that again. I keep telling the,pm they need to call my brother instead, who doesn’t live much further away from them than I do, but they won’t because “he’s not me”.

I don’t want to block their calls or wait ages to ring them back because Sod’s Law the one time I do so it will be a genuine emergency, but I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve tried letting their calls go to voicemail but they just leave a message asking me to ring back urgently and never say what it’s about. I’m feeling guilty about not doing more for them, but I’m really limited as to what I can do with my job commitments, and I know they can do it all themselves if they put their mind to it, and me doing everything for them is not going to help the inevitable long term cognitive decline we all face as we get older. I should also say they are loaded and could easily pay someone to come round and do everything for them.

AIBU to expect them to deal with small stuff themselves and to stop bugging me to do it?

I work abroad for a large chunk of the year so I’m not around much. I also work very long hours, typically most evening and a lot of weekends, so I don’t have a lot of spare time for anything. I don’t begrudge helping them when they genuinely need help, it’s the trivial things that are the issue because there are so many of them.

I'm wary of pushing you into doing more but I wonder if a more regular phone call from you would help. You say you ring them once a week - maybe if you increased this to several times a week, at a time that works for you, that might be enough that they can use those conversations for any email queries etc and it would deconflict from work.

I wonder if once a week is too far ahead for them to wait whereas if they know they'll be speaking to you in a day or two anyway, they will be able to wait til then.

Easy for me to say, I know, when it's you doing it but if they are ringing several times a week anyway, at terrible times, then you might have less to lose by increasing the frequency than you think.

Frustrating as it is for you, when you're stuck on something yourself it would be very hard if you ask someone for help and they just say "nope, figure it out yourself". It wouldn't be tolerated at my work and I wouldn't expect my kids to treat their friends that way, so I wouldn't want go say it to my parents either.

It's so hard. I'm in a similar situation to you but with requests only from my mum as my dad went into a care home last year. Honestly it took me losing my temper and giving her a few home truths before she finally listened to me and gave me some space. However there's always a list of jobs when I visit and I do all their online stuff.

I have a laminated list of contacts for if an emergency arises when I'm working away. Luckily my DC are 22 & 19 so able to help out (over the phone) as my only sibling lives overseas.

Can you maybe call your parents more often just to keep them happy or agree that you'll phone them every other day when you're free? I used to call mine when I was in the car as it didn't interfere with actual work. Can you get your brother on board to help share the load.

Thanks OP for your reply.

I think your issue is that you need to make some big decisions about how much you want to be involved, and then stick to them.

I give you permission not to do ANYTHING unless you want to.

But realistically you need to tell your parents what they can expect of you.

You really don't have to leave yourself vulnerable to your dad's bad behaviour.

I suggest you say to them:

"Right, I'll pick mum up to take her out for brunch alternate Saturdays. Every second time I come over, have some admin ready for me to sort. But you know I'm really busy in between times, so unless it's a real emergency (as in a 999 situation) I can't help you."

Maybe see them a bit more at birthdays/Christmas etc.

This ticks the boxes for you:

Seeing your dad on a low contact basis
Spending time with your mum
Putting time aside for their admin
Being a bit flexible around birthdays etc.
Not engaging with much else unless it's a dire emergency

I think you need to decide on your boundaries and stick to them.

If you're looking for your dad or your brother to change... they probably won't. Genuinely, it could help to have counselling to deal with your feelings about that.

Hugs OP x

She is their child. In the prime of her life with a job and family of their own. They are not short of money.
Why don't they help themselves?

Does your dad intend to get buried with all of his money? Do you have access to their accounts? I’ve been advised recently that I should get my mum to add me as a joint account holder so when she dies, I have access so I can pay funeral costs etc and not have to find the money myself (she sold up last year and has the money sitting in her bank). Then you could broach the idea of booking in tradespeople and paying.

I hear exactly what you're saying. My late Dad drove my brother round the bend after Mum died - he was constantly calling him to come round and sort his TV, largely (it eventually emerged) because his early signs of dementia meant he kept forgetting how to use the remote.

Like @allthevitamins suggests I had to set boundaries.

My parents were hard in my childhood, indifferent in my 20s, bitchy in my 30s and we reached a neutral truce in my 40s when it was apparent I would be having the only grandchildren.

When my dad died, it was a time to renegotiate but there's a lot of baggage, each phone call leaves me drained. It takes a lot of juggling to hold 'she's not a nice woman' with feeling sorry for her and not let the boundaries slip.

I've tapered contact and I keep her and other relatives on limited info about our lives. Stick to the practical.

A lot of people are suggesting for example a local handyman. Then telling them things like 'Bob will be over to sort you out in the next 4 hours, sit tight'. I don't know what it's like for other people, but it's impossible to get a handyman round here. I needed some jobs to be done, tried lots of handymen that advertise, left voicemail messages, tried their contact us webpage. Only one answered the phone and he could fit me in a few weeks later. Handymen aren't just sitting around so that they can pop round in 4 hours.

It's a shame that for the sake of an hour round trip, you can only get to see them about once a month, but perhaps as your dad is difficult, you don't want to see them more.

As they use a computer, can you try and get them to email you or WhatsApp you rather than phone? Even if only a short message to say phone me when you can. I know my kids would panic if I phoned them, thinking it was a life or death emergency, so I always message them unless it really is life or death. Perhaps they would be less likely to call if they knew it made you panic, as hopefully they wouldn't want to suffer in this way. Perhaps lay it on really thick about how much you panic.

YANBU, OP, and you are under no obligation to do anything for your parents. Try saying "no" a bit more often!

YANBU You obviously care a lot about them, and that makes this situation even more stressful.
What would happen if you put your phone on Do Not Disturb during work hours?

You need to try and lay down some strong boundaries now, because with their age this is going to get worse. It's better to be strict now, because otherwise you risk becoming resentful and burning out, then feeling guilty (talking about my own experience here!)

Also they need to figure out other ways to get what they need without always relying on you and the only way to get them to do that is to let them sink or swim a bit now, while they're still capable.

I think you need to take a leaf out of your brothers book.
why are you bending over backwards for these people? Your father bullies your mother, withholds money and your mother made a decision to stay with him after he treated you badly as children.

I would have very little sympathy to be honest. They can also afford to pay for the help they need and simply refuse to. You refusing to do it for them might actually help your mother as they will be forced to start paying for some services. They’ve made their beds.

Learn to ignore them if it's a genuine emergency they'll let you know immediately.

Go to the section elderly parents and join the cockroach cafe thread. There you will find excellent support from people in the same boat and none of the "but it's your mum you don't know how long you have left" comments.

You sound at the end of your tether with their incessant demands that coupled with a difficult father is nigh impossible to manage you have my sympathies. Please go to the cockroach cafe xxx

@Sandflea9900 It doesn't sound like your parents yet needs carers, or that they would accept that suggestion. However I think that it is helpful if, as early as possible, they get used to paying for appropriate help from other people (not family). It all makes the transition easier later on when they may need more practical care.

My friend said that it was a godsend getting a local person to work as a PA to her parents. Not someone who did the actual jobs required (although they did make phone calls, arrange meter readings, help with appointments etc) but someone who had local contacts and could quickly sort out a handyman to fix a pane of glass in the greenhouse, or someone to fix a fence that had blown down in a storm, or a teenager to set up a new TV or upgrade on their computer.

All that left my friend freed up to do what only she could - chat, be a companion, help with more difficult things.

The PA became a 'trusted friend' to the parents, and was also able to alert my friend to deteriorations, such as one of them not being able to understand their bank statement, or the other having an unexplained bruise on their head (from walking into a door when they got up in the night).

This is a hard phase of life for you

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments.

Today’s chestnut: They “need” to speak to my husband and I this evening as they were not able to buy a replacement light fitting today (it’s been broken for months), This can totally wait until the weekend so I said no. Betting they call me anyway…

p

Oh god they sound like my grandparents. When my dad put his foot down as my grandma's requests were ridiculous (and I was school age so my parents' lives were super busy!), my grandma started calling saying she's dieing, she's having a heart attack! She did this 3 times, and every time my dad had to take her to A&E to be told she's FINE.

She tried one last time and my dad notoriously responded "don't die yet, I have to go into work today" :)))) it didn't really stop her ridiculous requests but at least she never pretended to die again. She is still very much alive and healthy!

Sorry no advice but I have lots of sympathy!

These threads make me shudder. I pray to God that I'm still with-it enough to agree to paying for help and to graciously accept a move into a home when the time comes. But does anyone ever?

The suggestion of PA is a good one. It doesn't sound like they need carers, but someone to help with things like technology and arranging things they may find difficult to sort out.

Are you sure you couldn't get them to use messegers on an iPad? Then they could message and also easily send photos and screen shots?

You can set them up with shortcuts to make things even easier.

They are a brilliant thing to be able to use when people get older. Using Siri etc is so useful. Obviously you could use an android equivalent.

I've never understood the context of the name Cockroach Café - what does it mean? (I get that it's a thread for people needing to offload about elderly parents).

You have my sympathy, my MIL has periods of this behaviour. She will always ring me because her three sons have more important stuff to deal with (2 of them don’t work) and we have a strict schedule of visits arranged as well. I get calls asking stupid things like what is the name of the WhatsApp group she is in or why won’t the radio work or what is this text about. Like how the hell do I know?

When we visit, she always has a list of ridiculous stuff she needs me to do, and it is always me she asks. She once had me spending hours trying to track down a specific product which I discovered was discontinued by the manufacturer and when I told her the response was “oh yes, that’s what xxx in the shop told me” FFS!

It is emotionally & physically draining and you lose sight of what might be important things buried in all the trivial crap.

I suspect the neediness is a bit of loneliness & a bit of attention seeking and possibly some early signs of mental decline/dementia and a possible solution is to get some other people (not necessarily family) to deal with some of it. MIL is less trouble when she has more face to face contact with other people.

YANBU they should know you have a busy life of your own and they need to be more independent. Not your fault they won’t have carers. My husband grandma who is 90 can operate Teams very well so surely they can learn to buy stuff on the internet. They also need to be more mindful of what is important and what isn’t.

I have daughters and for the record l won’t be so selfish and dependent on them

Things that may seem trivial to you now, may well be a big deal when you are getting older and feeling more vunerable and overwhelmed with age. Once a month seems so very little to see parents that live so close. There is more to life than work. If you fell off the planet tomorrow your workplace would replace you and carry on like you never existed. To your parents, for all their faults of which I’m sure there are many, you are the centre of their world. They won’t be around much longer, just make sure whatever you do, or don’t do as the case may be, now will not lead to regrets and guilt in the future.

So the people that gave up 16+ years of their lives to raise you, you can only be bothered going to see once a month. I too have a busy home life and career but went round to see my parents two/three times a week as did one of my siblings. The other two siblings live further away so visited less but tended to stay over for a few days. I lived closer so was the one that did shopping trips for them and even went round to sort out silly things like 'the remote control isn't working'. Having lost my Mum in 2009 and Dad in the past year, I'd do anything to get a phone call for help at any time and go round and sit with them.