…not to be doing more for my parents?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are in their early 80s, some medical issues but nothing huge - they are active, still drive, still go on holiday etc. However, they are have been getting really clingy over the last couple of years, wanting me to keep doing little things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. I live a 25 min drive away, so it’s not that far. But they constantly ring about trivial things even during work hours, trying to make out they are really urgent when they’re just not.

However, I have a a very high powered job, with long hours, a LOT of overseas travel and a bucket load of stress. We had to move south for work a few years ago so had to increase our mortgage a lot due to the difference in house prices, so quitting my job or going part time isn’t an option. In addition, my brother doesn’t live that far from me but is not that interested in helping, so I get lumbered with dealing with everything, he doesn’t get on that well with my Dad - neither do I, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to not do anything.

Things have recently got worse. They now try to guilt trip me by keep asking what they will do if they need something when I’m away. They tried phoning my husband once whilst I was away about some stupid little thing, whilst he was out at work in an important meeting, and I immediately put the fear of God into them if they ever did that again. I keep telling the,pm they need to call my brother instead, who doesn’t live much further away from them than I do, but they won’t because “he’s not me”.

I don’t want to block their calls or wait ages to ring them back because Sod’s Law the one time I do so it will be a genuine emergency, but I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve tried letting their calls go to voicemail but they just leave a message asking me to ring back urgently and never say what it’s about. I’m feeling guilty about not doing more for them, but I’m really limited as to what I can do with my job commitments, and I know they can do it all themselves if they put their mind to it, and me doing everything for them is not going to help the inevitable long term cognitive decline we all face as we get older. I should also say they are loaded and could easily pay someone to come round and do everything for them.

AIBU to expect them to deal with small stuff themselves and to stop bugging me to do it?

I have plenty of sympathy, but when you get several of these calls a day it starts getting difficult. And since my Dad wont budge on so many things, there’s a limit to how much I can do.

I do hang out with my Mum a lot (I didn’t include those visits and taking her out when I quoted how often I see them), but Dad is challenging to be with, even when he was younger. My brother and I have a fair bit of baggage from how he treated us as children, and we both moved out as soon as we could. When I have a lot of stress in my work life it’s difficult to then voluntarily be treated badly by your own family.

I think you're right to be concerned about your Mum. She's living in a wreck of house, being yelled at and your father has all the financial control. In some respects she could be in a domestic abuse situation but too afraid (or used to it) to know what she can do about it.

You could call Age UK and ask for advice on how best to help her. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/age-uk-advice-line/

You definitely need a 'man' or 'woman who can' to fix stuff like the radio, the tech stuff and so on.

I think that in the early eighties is an odd time because people seem like they are doing so well with old age, but it all starts to decline, sometimes we don't notice that. I should think driving to appointments, holidaying and so on is getting much harder for them, even just mobility/being able to see properly on the roads is more stressful, so everything in their world is harder and it shrinks.

They are not used to you saying 'no', and so it will be a shock, but if you can say 'mum, dad, I can't do X, I've found someone who can' and ask them do you want to contact them or shall I send them round. If the answer is no to everything, then the discussion has to be had- I won't be able to do all your cleaning, gardening, IT stuff, so how can we get help for you.

It's so hard, it sounds like you don't get on that well with your dad anyway and so being interrupted in high pressure situations at work is very stressful.

You are going to have to shift to being the co-ordinator of care and not the one who cares all the time if you work a demanding job.

Do consider whether they might be struggling more than you think.

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and advice, very helpful.

And to whoever suggested I could WhatsApp them - they can’t use a smart phone. They can’t even send or read a text on their candy bar phone. They’ve never bought anything over the internet either.

Another vote for insisting that your parents pay for assistance as it is impossible to deal with everything yourself. My poor DH is exhausted with my MIL's demands, which has been going on five years now. It has made us have a very serious conversation about how we will manage when we get to that age.

I would say a cleaner and garden is a must. Also don't delay getting carers when the time comes.

Who is doing most of the phoning is it your DM or your DF ?
If it's your DF I would give him short shift "Are you both physically ok?. Good I'm putting the phone down now" if it's your DM I would encourage her to text for non urgent things.

Maybe try to get a list of some local handymen and give them the number every time they start asking for something non urgent l My DPs bless them have a local company that does small jobs for them, or we encourage them to store them up for when we visit if they aren't urgent.

It sounds like your DM is being financially abused by your DF, but she is unlikely to leave now.

It's such a difficult situation though as you can't force people to spend their own money.

I thought I'd cracked it and persuaded DM to get a cleaner after my cousins expressed dissatisfaction- to me of course not DM - on the cleanliness of their bathroom. I had a conversation with DM about how it would make life easier for her and secretly I thought the company would be good as well , but she's had the bloody number for months of somebody she knows and could do it, but hasn't managed to phone.

She doesn't expect me to do it - I work in a stressful job, live an hour away and can scarcely keep my own house clean - but she can't really keep on top of it herself. They have plenty of money also.

It's not dreadful, so I just sort of let things carry on as they are. They are living independently age 85 and 90, so I'm not sure how much I should be forcing.

There are befriending businesses in my area that you pay by the hour to visit elderly people. They don't do personal care but they'll help out with things around the house and I'm wondering if it might be looking into something like that if you have POA?

If they had someone popping in for an hour once or twice a week who could give them a bit of support it might take the pressure off, as well as you making your boundaries clear about them not leaving "please call us urgently" messages!

OK, I'll accept that. It wasn't very evident in your OP.

I've been through the same as you. I found trying to look at it from their side took some of the emotion out of it and made it easier to stick to my boundaries without feeling overly guilty.

I am concerned about my Mum. She gets yelled at by my Dad all the time, and I think she’s close to the end of her rope

I'm sorry to hear that, OP, and it could well explain some of the leaning on you

It doesn't change the overall advice though, and unless she's actually in danger I'd be very wary of getting involved on this front. That way lies sheer frustration and at their ages they're unlikely to want to make any major life changes

Sounds like a great idea in theory and I'm going to look up if there is anything similar in my DPs area.

However although OP has POA I don't believe she can spend her DPs money in things for them without their specific agreement unless it has been determined they no longer have capacity.

Never answer the phone to them, call back several hours later and tell them you can't do the thing.

Do this for a month or so and they will get the message.

The message that they are on their own and no-one loves them.

Or they message that they are being utterly selfish and need to treat their daughter a bit better if they want her to be there for them when they really need her.

They are free to make that choice and they will have to live with the consequences of it.

You are assuming they have similar mental process to younger people. Old people don't have that.

And they really need her now. This is it. This is the time when they need someone to care, or to manage their care for them.

@StopStartStop but they are rejecting OPs suggestions of what would work eg getting in carers and cleaners

OP has a pressurised job with lots of travelling and has arthritis herself. If she takes every call from her DPs she can't manage her own workload.

I understand elderly process things differently, going through it myself with my thankfully more considerate DPs, but how can OP get into the situation of putting her own life jacket on first, whilst still supporting her DPs?

They are expecting their daughter to set herself on fire so they keep warm.

They want everything to be on their terms, no compromise, no consideration for her overloaded life.

Those are not the attitudes of loving parents.

And they are Hoarders, which bloody well explains EVERYTHING

No, they'd much rather you do it all. For free.

Unless they can't afford it, I have no sympathy with people who think it's ok to refuse paid help and expect their daughter to do it all for free on top of a busy stressful job.

They don't need a cater, but they could probably get a "home help" to come in a couple of times a week and help them with whatever they need. Keep pointing this out to them like a broken record. "I can't help with that as I'm busy with work, but maybe if you organised for someone to help out...."

You live 25 minutes away and see them once a month? Why do you begrudge helping them - they are your parents!

Why do people pull this trope out?

The parents are adults. They are also wealthy enough to pay for all this minor assistance they need day to day and choose not to.

OP clearly states she's busy raising her own children and ultimately she has a life of her own as well, so why should she be solely responsible for all this?

25mins means nearly an hour round trip every time to see them which is hard to then manage often for many people with school, work, feeding and entertaining children etc.

Not everyone lives in their parents pockets and nor do they have any need to.

Quite right, StopStartStop, though for OP the key may be in "managing their care for them" rather than doing everything herself

She's not said anything to suggest she wouldn't do that, but unfortunately the parents are already refusing the idea of paid help, and for many of us that's going too far - even though it's depressingly common

Indeed. My dad loves that. 😂