…not to be doing more for my parents?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are in their early 80s, some medical issues but nothing huge - they are active, still drive, still go on holiday etc. However, they are have been getting really clingy over the last couple of years, wanting me to keep doing little things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. I live a 25 min drive away, so it’s not that far. But they constantly ring about trivial things even during work hours, trying to make out they are really urgent when they’re just not.

However, I have a a very high powered job, with long hours, a LOT of overseas travel and a bucket load of stress. We had to move south for work a few years ago so had to increase our mortgage a lot due to the difference in house prices, so quitting my job or going part time isn’t an option. In addition, my brother doesn’t live that far from me but is not that interested in helping, so I get lumbered with dealing with everything, he doesn’t get on that well with my Dad - neither do I, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to not do anything.

Things have recently got worse. They now try to guilt trip me by keep asking what they will do if they need something when I’m away. They tried phoning my husband once whilst I was away about some stupid little thing, whilst he was out at work in an important meeting, and I immediately put the fear of God into them if they ever did that again. I keep telling the,pm they need to call my brother instead, who doesn’t live much further away from them than I do, but they won’t because “he’s not me”.

I don’t want to block their calls or wait ages to ring them back because Sod’s Law the one time I do so it will be a genuine emergency, but I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve tried letting their calls go to voicemail but they just leave a message asking me to ring back urgently and never say what it’s about. I’m feeling guilty about not doing more for them, but I’m really limited as to what I can do with my job commitments, and I know they can do it all themselves if they put their mind to it, and me doing everything for them is not going to help the inevitable long term cognitive decline we all face as we get older. I should also say they are loaded and could easily pay someone to come round and do everything for them.

AIBU to expect them to deal with small stuff themselves and to stop bugging me to do it?

My Dad had already died but he'd have lost his temper with me and told me I was a useless daughter. Thankfully it was a storm I didn't have to ride but I think I'd have still ridden it out because the alternative is that you resent them and your life is crap.

I live 200 miles away from my parents for precisely this reason. My golden child brother can sort it out, I'm too far away.

We had a similar setup. It's totally unfair on one sibling to be the 'main go to', and ime, it inevitably falls on the females in the family. Sod that. It's about time men/brothers became much more aware they need to have a 50/50 input into their parents needs and decisions on their welfare.

@jeaux90

Thanks. I should add they set me up with power of attorney (although it’s not activated yet) and not my brother, so I’ll have to deal with everything when the time eventually comes. I think the fact that I have to deal with this all on my own is the worst thing. DH can’t help much as his parents have complex medical needs so he has responsibilities of his own to deal with.

Boundaries are your friend. When they call with a trivial issue just tell them when you are next planning a visit and to add the job to a list so you can try to help then. If that’s not soon enough then perhaps they can ask DB or find someone else. If they wail that’s no good just say nicely that you hope they will find a solution.

And definitely set a rule for work calls only in a real emergency and mean it.

Unfortunately you almost certainly will end up going more often in the coming years and they are only going to get more dependent. You will have to be very tough (tough can be done kindly) to ensure you don’t get totally dragged down.

My MIL tends to call my DH with 'urgent' things like the broadband doesn't work while he's at work. If she calls me I tell her it will have to wait until he's finished work.

Could you get someone local to pop in for odd jobs? I do it once a week for a friend of my mum's. Her own children are far away and she's happy to have me during school hours and we get on well. I take her to appointments, I do the odd bit of cleaning that she needs a hand with and all of her technology issues are my job now but the main things I do are organising and life admin.
Is there anyone they know a little who could pop in to do the same for them?

I can understand that time is scaring the shit out of them but this does not give them the right to invade your life.

Put a rocket up your brother and get him to do more if you can.

Talk to Age Concern who may have some ideas. Try and identify other avenues of support.

Do they have a spare room? They may be able to rent out a room to someone who is really there to care for them. They can swap time and attention for accommodation. A nurse or student with limited funds sort of person. That way you get your carer.

@FairFuming The thing is, they already do all that stuff themselves. They clean, shop, go to medical app, go on holiday, all happily on their own. I have remote access to their laptop so I can fix most stuff from home, which is a godsend.

They do have a spare room, but DB uses it on the rare occasion he goes down there. My parents stuff has expanded into my old room so that can’t be let out - they are hoarders, so no chance of a clear out. The house is a wreck because despite being wealthy, my dad won’t do DIY and refuses to pay anyone to fix anything, so they’d never be able to take a lodger. It’s weird, they can easily afford to do the house up but my Dad won’t even consider it. They live with failing plumbing, carpets nearly worn through and bare plaster on the walls and a six figure bank balance. It drives my Mum mad. 🤷‍♀️

It’s weird, they can easily afford to do the house up but my Dad won’t even consider it.

It's not 'weird', it's old age. Just. Not quite dementia. Give up your memories of them. They're someone else now. I'm three years into caring and my dad (91) is just beginning to understand that he needs to pay for repairs etc.

Is the house safe for them? Worn carpets can be very dangerous on stairs.

Are you concerned that your mother is being dominated by your father? Why doesn't she have any say in spending their money? It seems unfair that she should be living in a deteriorating house with failing plumbing and bare plaster if she'd prefer to have more home comforts.

Do you like them?

Do you want to help them?

Can you spend some low-stress ' nice' time with them if this meets their need to see you, and you don't mind?

You do sound very business-like about them, maybe they just want to hang out with you?

Can they WhatsApp you with things so that you can reply quickly, but in your own time?

Can you arrange an 'admin hourI' with then once a month where you go round, have a cuppa, and smash through a list? In the meantime, you can direct anything/anything that's important but not urgent to the admin hour? Then they know it'll be done, but at a time that suits you all?

Also, stop counting on your brother. You can't make him do anything. Involve yourself with then because you want to, not because you feel duty-bound to. Don't expect anything if him. Your brother is outside of your control.

I’d be so angry with my parents if they were calling me at work for such petty things, have you made it clear that you can’t leave work at all, even if they were to have a genuine emergency calling 999 would be more appropriate?

I think sometimes you have to be quite blunt with people like this to get the message through.

It's new territory that needs new thinking as people are living longer and with chronic issues that would have bumped them off, same as their parents, years ago.. A cohort of elderly people living longer than their parents but understandably, to be generous, inadvertedly causing havoc and stress to their nearest and dearest due to their refusal to recognise their limitations and make compromises.

I'd suggest paying a 'local to them' handyperson to call in and help them each time they call you

A handy person could help with most of the issues you've mentioned and I'm sure anything else can wait

Source the handy person, introduce him or her to your parents and then, when they ring you, say 'Bob will be over to sort you out in the next 4 hours, sit tight'

Be careful OP. This will only escalate as they get older and when one is left alone
Encourage gardeners, cleaners, taxi services, carers, online shopping, local handymen etc. They need to get used to people (not always you) going through the door
Old age shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. The rainy day is here. What are their plans for coping if they won't accept carers?
I've seen many a woman end up on antidepressants as this situation esclates. And elderly parental demands and expectations ruin many a relationship. Set your boundaries, decide what is reasonable prioritising your own family, and stick to it

Excellent advice

I know you said they "won't accept" carers, OP, and the same may well apply to other forms of paid help, but that'll almost certainly be because they prefer you to do it all

However you can't and it wouldn't be wise even if you could, so you may have to force the issue - if necessary by ignoring their calls for a few days, then when they get in a stew repeating how much better it would have been if someone nearby was checking on them

You may have to repeat this before it sinks in, but realistically with the age and distance they may soon have no choice, so the faster you introduce this the better for all

They clean, shop, go to medical app, go on holiday, all happily on their own

Posted before I saw this and it's good news ... though even more reason to get alternatives to yourself in place before that all starts to go too, especially once one of them is left on their oown

We also have to remember that they are probably wanting to spend/talk as much time with you as possible as they get older and older. They’ll be conscious that you don’t want to spend as much time with them as they do with you, so will be holding back on social calls and just calling when there is a pretext.

They are 80. That’s not young. There are many things they used to do that they cant do now.

you need to maintain your boundaries. But it wouldn’t hurt to have some sympathy.

The Whatsapp group is a great idea if they are up to the technology, add your DB to it as well. Suggest they have a to do list for your visits and maybe up it to once every 3 weeks if you can.

I get it you're so stretched already and it doesn't sound like you have much more to give.

Tbh, I think a lot of people as they get intontheirvtwilightbyears just lose confidence. They probably don’t have as good a memory as they used to, lose confidence in leaving the house to do much because they’re conscious it’s much easier to fall when your bones are more fragile and you’re not as steady on your feet. The world in general can be a scarier place to navigate for someone of their age, so try to cut them a bit of slack. If they were 60 or 70, fair enough, but 80s is in the pretty elderly category.

They're hoarders???!!!!

Then they cannot be helped. Their broken home can't be fixed.

Nagging and pestering you to fix trivial shit that can wait until you have time (if ever) is polishing the Ash trays on the Titanic isn't it.

Drop the rope OP. You'll run yourself into the ground and will achieve nothing in the face of their stubborn unreasonable attitudes.

I had exactly the same with my parents, and I was in the same position as you, including working abroad. I had to learn to turn it back on them - suggest a carer or cleaner or other help. Then when they wouldn't I had to point out that it wouldn't get done and reiterate the offer of organising help. It's really frustrating because they wanted everything done now! They even wanted me to come down once a week in spring and summer to mow their large lawn so it had stripes! It was a 3 hour round trip for me and I have 2 children that needed looking after (clubs, homework etc) not to mention laundry and my own housework
Just push back, reiterate the offer of help, but don't pick up the work yourself otherwise you won't be able to off load it!

You should consider all getting together to sort this out and put a plan in place.

Things that seem trivial to you can be quite challenging to older people. What they could once cope with, they often start to struggle with. Losing confidence in being able to perform everyday tasks is also a thing. Getting older and realising you are becoming frail and are in decline is scary. It can be difficult to realise that our parents are no longer able to cope as they once could and need support and compassion.

Stairs are ok but they don’t even have carpet in their bedroom now, only underlay 😕

I am concerned about my Mum. She gets yelled at by my Dad all the time, and I think she’s close to the end of her rope. I’ve told her she must tell me if she feels she can’t put up with him anymore, but there’s a limit to what I can do on that front. They have a very traditional marriage from a money perspective.