…not to be doing more for my parents?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are in their early 80s, some medical issues but nothing huge - they are active, still drive, still go on holiday etc. However, they are have been getting really clingy over the last couple of years, wanting me to keep doing little things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. I live a 25 min drive away, so it’s not that far. But they constantly ring about trivial things even during work hours, trying to make out they are really urgent when they’re just not.

However, I have a a very high powered job, with long hours, a LOT of overseas travel and a bucket load of stress. We had to move south for work a few years ago so had to increase our mortgage a lot due to the difference in house prices, so quitting my job or going part time isn’t an option. In addition, my brother doesn’t live that far from me but is not that interested in helping, so I get lumbered with dealing with everything, he doesn’t get on that well with my Dad - neither do I, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to not do anything.

Things have recently got worse. They now try to guilt trip me by keep asking what they will do if they need something when I’m away. They tried phoning my husband once whilst I was away about some stupid little thing, whilst he was out at work in an important meeting, and I immediately put the fear of God into them if they ever did that again. I keep telling the,pm they need to call my brother instead, who doesn’t live much further away from them than I do, but they won’t because “he’s not me”.

I don’t want to block their calls or wait ages to ring them back because Sod’s Law the one time I do so it will be a genuine emergency, but I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve tried letting their calls go to voicemail but they just leave a message asking me to ring back urgently and never say what it’s about. I’m feeling guilty about not doing more for them, but I’m really limited as to what I can do with my job commitments, and I know they can do it all themselves if they put their mind to it, and me doing everything for them is not going to help the inevitable long term cognitive decline we all face as we get older. I should also say they are loaded and could easily pay someone to come round and do everything for them.

AIBU to expect them to deal with small stuff themselves and to stop bugging me to do it?

NIETHER - just honest. I could have done more for my parents in the last 10 years, but I didn't because like the OP I felt like I was busy with my own life. Well now I'm 43 and both my are DEAD. And guess what I've got another probably 30-40-50 years on this earth in which I could probably have achieved everything I have in the past 10 and more, with the exception of helping my parents. Don't want OP to feel like me.

OP clearly states she's busy raising her own children and ultimately she has a life of her own as well, so why should she be solely responsible for all this?

She hasn’t stated anything of the sort. In her update on the first page she states

And for what it’s worth, I can’t have children due to the medication I take for a medical condition. I am perfectly well aware that I will need to make provision for my own care when I get older. That’s part of the reason I have to work so hard and save so hard now. I’m already planning for future downsizing and other measures to ensure I’m covered.

OP, I understand how difficult this is, DH and I had it with both our mothers although in DH’s case it was more difficult as his mum lived 200 miles away. He is an only child. He was going up every other weekend so sort things anyway. One time her kettle broke and she seriously expected him to make a special journey to replace it when he could have ordered one online for her. A neighbour lent her one in the end.

OP, as someone else suggested, join the Cockroach Cafe on the Elderly Parents board. You will get help, solidarity and understanding over there.

I honestly hate all the sanctimonious posters on threads like this who gripe on about you being sorry when they're dead blah blah. They have ZERO comprehension of what it's like to be in your situation xx

@stichguru you're projecting your own feelings on other people and their situations.

I am quite sincere when I suggest that if you're this aggressive in your feelings towards yourself over this that it's time to seek some support offline. You're being very hard on yourself, and that's no way to carry on. You deserve to be happy and relaxed, not beating yourself up over this.