…not to be doing more for my parents?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are in their early 80s, some medical issues but nothing huge - they are active, still drive, still go on holiday etc. However, they are have been getting really clingy over the last couple of years, wanting me to keep doing little things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. I live a 25 min drive away, so it’s not that far. But they constantly ring about trivial things even during work hours, trying to make out they are really urgent when they’re just not.

However, I have a a very high powered job, with long hours, a LOT of overseas travel and a bucket load of stress. We had to move south for work a few years ago so had to increase our mortgage a lot due to the difference in house prices, so quitting my job or going part time isn’t an option. In addition, my brother doesn’t live that far from me but is not that interested in helping, so I get lumbered with dealing with everything, he doesn’t get on that well with my Dad - neither do I, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to not do anything.

Things have recently got worse. They now try to guilt trip me by keep asking what they will do if they need something when I’m away. They tried phoning my husband once whilst I was away about some stupid little thing, whilst he was out at work in an important meeting, and I immediately put the fear of God into them if they ever did that again. I keep telling the,pm they need to call my brother instead, who doesn’t live much further away from them than I do, but they won’t because “he’s not me”.

I don’t want to block their calls or wait ages to ring them back because Sod’s Law the one time I do so it will be a genuine emergency, but I can’t keep going on like this. I’ve tried letting their calls go to voicemail but they just leave a message asking me to ring back urgently and never say what it’s about. I’m feeling guilty about not doing more for them, but I’m really limited as to what I can do with my job commitments, and I know they can do it all themselves if they put their mind to it, and me doing everything for them is not going to help the inevitable long term cognitive decline we all face as we get older. I should also say they are loaded and could easily pay someone to come round and do everything for them.

AIBU to expect them to deal with small stuff themselves and to stop bugging me to do it?

Once a month is a bit rubbish tbh - I think some of the small stuff is an excuse to see you - do you have kids? Do they get to see any other relatives?

Does your area have a befriending service? Having someone ring them or see them regularly might ease your burden, also put the feelers out for somebody local to them that can do some of the little IT type jobs

Could you try checking in on them daily on the phone they might stop calling randomly if they are expecting a call. Could be loneliness

@Sandflea9900 others have given sensible advice. I'll add that re the computer upgrades I dealt with this by buying my mum a cheap google Chromebook. All it does is internet and photos. No overly complicated op system that keeps resetting their accessibility settings. A life changer - no more panicked calls (we used to get 1-2 a week, and now it's the occasional Facebook glitch).

Seriously worth the £200.

Well they'll be dead soon and then you won't have to bother.

You sound as cold as ice.

You only see then once a month!!! Literally squeezing them in as an obligation between your high flying career. They probably want to see you more.

They're old and know their time is limited. Have some compassion ffs!

What a horribly judgmental and nasty post to what is a complex dilemma for the OP.

Thanks for this thread OP - don't have much to add but in a similar situation & reading responses with interest

Sadly I don’t think so. They don’t have a smart phone and can’t send a text. I have all their favourites and passwords saved on their laptop and they still call me saything they can’t login! Obviously it works just fine when I try (I have remote access to their laptop).

I remember when iPads came out, and Dad managed to crash one in less than 5 minutes. He takes a perverse pleasure in it and thinks it’s funny rather than recognising how important technology is becoming to life and making an effort to learn how to use it. He’s a highly intelligent person who held down a demanding job in finance in the City, but on this he point blank refuses to even try to learn.

Yes I do see them only about once a month, although that has increased to about once a fortnight at the moment. About a quarter of the year I am abroad on business all weekend. I also have DH’s parents to visit, as they are both quite unwell and genuinely need support. The rest of the weekends I’m unpacking, washing and repacking for the next week of travel, cleaning the house and doing the next week’s food shop. It doesn’t leave much time for myself in all of that given that I work most evenings until late.

i should also add that it was my parents who put huge pressure on my academically to do well and have a good career. I’m now at the very top of my profession, so I’ve done what they expected of me.

Presumably you think I should quit my job, downsize the house to pay off some of the mortgage (we couldn’t afford it if I didn’t work) and look after them full time? I acknowledge that there may be a time when that ipmay be necessary, but I don’t think that time has come yet.

And whilst I accept that DB is unlikely to budge and help, I’m afraid I do resent the fact that he doesn’t help with my parents. They are his parents too, he has a lot more time available than I do and I don’t think he should get to do nothing just because he’s a bloke.

It explains why at the beginning of that thread

Being blunt - quit your ridiculous whinging and help your parents, with a smile on your face. You'll soon be in my situation where the only thing you can do for them is plan their funerals and what to do with their bodies, and you'll kick yourself repeatedly for not dropping all to help them because you were doing unimportant stuff that could have waited.

I'm sorry you've lost your parents and have regret, but we're not all in the same position in life.

Many of us do / will have zero regrets about keeping parents at arms length.

And it's also a huge assumption that people can just drop everything., unless it's a real emergency.

There's a limited amount you can do but I would be concerned about your mother. It sounds like she is experiencing coercive control. It isn't they are hoarders and won't spend money, it's he is a hoarder and won't spend money. She is having to live in a way that she isn't happy with. I can see why both you and your brother don't get on very well with your Dad. Could you talk to your brother about being a bit more helpful to your Mum? I would keep reinforcing that you can't respond to messages while you're at work unless it's a serious emergency. I agree with letting them get to know a handyman, gardener etc. but expect your Dad would block the idea. Dealing with technology will just have to wait until you have time. If this treatment of your Mum deteriorates there are services for safeguarding older people and I would try talking to her and seeing how she feels about you talking to age concern. It's probably too late for her to LTB. Does your Mum have friends and go out independently of your Dad?

I don't think these sort of posts are fair. OP's Dad sounds like a stubborn person who won't accept other help but makes demands. Her Mum sounds bullied and is paying the price for staying with him. I think OP and her brother might have to have a very straight talk with their Dad, even a row, about the way he is refusing to spend money, controlling their Mum etc. It doesn't sound like a change of personality linked to dementia, it sounds like an exaggeration of his normal personality. I would continue to do things with your Mum when you can OP. I'm speaking as someone in their 70s but my Mum lived until she was 97 so I have some experience. They don't sound at the stage of needing carers yet but things will get worse unless your Dad changes his attitude.

I think you underestimate how hard getting old is.

Your brother needs to get his head out of his arse.

Thank you to all of you who have offered sympathy and practical suggestions, I’ll work through them all with DH and see if there’s anything we think my parents might accept. I will also talk to DB again but I am not hopeful on that front. I will continue to try and take my Mum out as often as I can to give her a break, but Dad is starting to refuse to be left on his own for even short periods, so that is getting increasingly difficult for me to do. It doesn’t help that they have no hobbies and have very few friends, and so I completely understand their desire to see me more, I’m just finding it overwhelming.

I expected to receive critical replies, but I’ve been quite taken aback at the vitriol and language directed at me. I guess that’s my fault though for being relatively new here. Obviously my life is very different to that of some folks here, who see their parents multiple times a week. That doesn’t make me cold and thoughtless - we moved a few years ago precisely to be closer to both sets of parents, and as a result we see them a lot more than we used to.

OP, I think you have to put it to them that carers and other paid services are the only way to get things done on their terms and be very firm about it.

Unfortunately once people reach a stage where they need the help of others, they have to choose from the range of available options. You are not an available option.

Perhaps you can set aside say one afternoon a month to deal with little things that aren't urgent e.g. Emails, lightbulbs etc. Beyond that, just keep telling them you are not available. Presumably in a dire emergency, they would end up riding your brother if they can't get hold of you and then he'd call you? So ignoring calls during work hours could be an option?

Sorry you're going through this

I don’t think you’re cold hearted at all. I hope you can stand up to your Dad. Unless he’s extremely ill he will just have to suck up being left on his own if your Mum goes out. I hope you can get your brother and husband onside. Don’t be afraid of straight talking with your Dad, he might have had all the power in the relationship when you were young but he will only go so far as he will know deep down that he’s relying on you now. He may possibly shout at your Mum but she deserves to have a bit of a life.

If they still drive , go on holiday and have reasonable health they aren’t at the stage of needing caters yet but they could definitely pay for some help with household jobs etc. Carers tend to be more for when people are immobile, confused etc

Some of the responses have been ridiculously harsh.

I am an only DC with elderly DPs who live an hour away. I visit once every 3-4 weeks and I speak to them on the phone once a week, unless there is an emergency. DM is fairly deaf so phone calls are a bit unproductive and DF has a bit of dementia so doesn't like talking on the phone.

I love them and if there was a need for me to be there more often, I'd try to do it, but I have a busy job, a teenage son and am going through the menopause. I'm doing a lot more for them than they did for their parents.

Most people do what they can, your life sounds very busy.

OP, I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation as you and I fully share your frustration and despair. Some of the comments here just don't help.
I also have a sibling who isn't much help, both because he's a bit useless at helping and isn't bothered, and because my parents want me rather than him to help, they just feel more comfortable with me.
Carers is often suggested as a solution but the reality is a lot of the "problems" I need to help with are not things a carer would help with because they are not "care" issues, and as before, it's me they want more than the care.
Lately I've come to think of them, my mum in particular, as being like an unsettled baby that won't be put down and wants to be held all the time. They are ok when you are holding them but cry for no reason when you put them down. You love them and want to make them feel better, but at the same time you really want to put them down so that you can have a break yourself and get things done!
I haven't found a solution myself, and I don't think there is one that will work for everyone. One thing I've done which has helped me is
I have tried to be less available, and to allow myself to be ok with that rather than feel guilty. So sometimes I'm asked for help with something and I say "no I can't help with that, I can look at it/do it/etc next time I visit but I can't help until then". I will still speak on the phone every few days but I'm stricter about what I can help with remotely and what I won't do until I'm able to. It doesn't always go down well, but that's why it's important that I've allowed myself to not feel guilty (though sometimes I still do!). I live two hours away and visit every couple of months, and that visit usually involves a day of doing useful stuff, which is also good because having spoken on phone every few days we have less to talk about and doing these jobs fills that gap.

Gosh you sound awful! Youll probably regret your attitude when theyve died

Horrible guilt tripping.