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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advice on note I found in DD’s pocket

138 replies

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:21

I found a small note in DD aged 8 in her school coat. It says on one side “I hate your glasses” and on other side “dumb” with a picture of DD’s glasses. She’s in grandmas home right now (MIL) but I texted DH (also at MIL) and he thinks I should speak to school on Monday but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about. DH is texting me saying I’m stupid and have no idea how to talk to kids and I will just push her away from us. What should I do please? She’s our eldest so this is new territory for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:21

Just to note it is definitely not her handwriting or drawing.

OP posts:
Froggy99 · 04/02/2024 16:22

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:21

I found a small note in DD aged 8 in her school coat. It says on one side “I hate your glasses” and on other side “dumb” with a picture of DD’s glasses. She’s in grandmas home right now (MIL) but I texted DH (also at MIL) and he thinks I should speak to school on Monday but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about. DH is texting me saying I’m stupid and have no idea how to talk to kids and I will just push her away from us. What should I do please? She’s our eldest so this is new territory for us.

You need to give her the chance to speak to you about it before getting the school involved in my opinion.
Are you and your husband separated?

tocontinue1 · 04/02/2024 16:23

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cansu · 04/02/2024 16:24

Obviously you need to talk to herand find out where the note came from. The school cannot deal with it without the context. If you don't ask her they undoubtedly will. Surely it is better for you to do this.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/02/2024 16:24

Why wouldn't you ask DD about it, and then speak to the school?
But the way DH is speaking to you sounds rude and aggressive.

tocontinue1 · 04/02/2024 16:24

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WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 04/02/2024 16:25

Speak to your daughter, gently. We found out that DS was being bullied at school only because another parent told us (her child told her about some incidents she witnessed at school). Give her the opportunity to talk to you in a nice safe, secure environment. Then talk to the school.

RedStripeypillow · 04/02/2024 16:26

What makes him the expert? Trust your own instinct, talking to her is the way to keep her close and connected.

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:27

Thank you all. Can I have some advice on how to approach it with her and what words to use? I think DH might be right in some sense of how I can be - I don’t mean to be but I know I can come across quite intense but that is my personality not connected to this. I know to keep it very calm and casual but what words should I use and how to approach? I’m thinking of showing her the note and asking her what it says and where it came from.

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WithOneLook · 04/02/2024 16:27

As a teacher I'd find it really strange if you approached me with this before speaking to your daughter. You don't need to be aggressive, all guns blazing. A casual, 'found this, is everything ok?' is a perfectly reasonable starting place and Id be concerned that you didn't feel able to have a pretty straightforward chat with her. If you can't talk to her how do you expect her to know how to talk to you?

jackstini · 04/02/2024 16:28

Talk calmly to your dd when she's home, then show it to the school tomorrow

Take a photo of the note on your phone in case dd rips it up in upset

Your 'D' H calling you stupid sounds like a twat

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:29

@WithOneLook i would definitely talk to her without thinking if she was here. I started doubting myself as DH said not to.

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OverTheGrip · 04/02/2024 16:29

It sounds like your juvenile DH wrote the note tbh so

jen337 · 04/02/2024 16:29

Had a similar incident ourselves recently. Talk to her. Took a while to get our dd to open up. Be patient with her. Your dh comment is worrying, both if it’s accurate or if it’s unfounded. If it’s just the note you’ll need to raise it and push for the school to investigate they will ignore/see it as a minor issue as they’ve probably got “bigger” problems with other students. Don’t ignore it.

tocontinue1 · 04/02/2024 16:30

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Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:30

Thank you I definitely will.

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Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:30

@OverTheGrip lol!

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Froggy99 · 04/02/2024 16:31

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:27

Thank you all. Can I have some advice on how to approach it with her and what words to use? I think DH might be right in some sense of how I can be - I don’t mean to be but I know I can come across quite intense but that is my personality not connected to this. I know to keep it very calm and casual but what words should I use and how to approach? I’m thinking of showing her the note and asking her what it says and where it came from.

That sounds like the perfect way to discuss it.

jackstini · 04/02/2024 16:31

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:27

Thank you all. Can I have some advice on how to approach it with her and what words to use? I think DH might be right in some sense of how I can be - I don’t mean to be but I know I can come across quite intense but that is my personality not connected to this. I know to keep it very calm and casual but what words should I use and how to approach? I’m thinking of showing her the note and asking her what it says and where it came from.

Show her the note, say you were emptying pockets to wash it or something (not deliberately searching her private stuff)

Ask her how she feels

Say you are sorry someone has done this, how mean it is and that it's wrong, that you care about her and want to help

Allfur · 04/02/2024 16:31

Your dh sounds horrible

ParrotCatDog · 04/02/2024 16:32

Talk to her and mention it to school. When you find out who it is, if it doesn’t get sorted, speak to parents. Not acceptable

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:32

@Froggy99 thank you! He makes me doubt myself sometimes.

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Froggy99 · 04/02/2024 16:32

Why is your DH speaking to you like that OP? Is there a reason they are at MIL but you are not?

RedStripeypillow · 04/02/2024 16:32

Show her the note, et her explainwhat happened and who have it to her. validate her feelings by saying it must have hurt her. Confirm that kids can be mean and next ime, she can share with you if anyone is mean so you can talk it over. Say if it happens again, school can do things like not sitting them together or not putting them in a group.

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:33

@jackstini @ParrotCatDog good advice thank you

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