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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advice on note I found in DD’s pocket

138 replies

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:21

I found a small note in DD aged 8 in her school coat. It says on one side “I hate your glasses” and on other side “dumb” with a picture of DD’s glasses. She’s in grandmas home right now (MIL) but I texted DH (also at MIL) and he thinks I should speak to school on Monday but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about. DH is texting me saying I’m stupid and have no idea how to talk to kids and I will just push her away from us. What should I do please? She’s our eldest so this is new territory for us.

OP posts:
tolerable · 04/02/2024 20:27

tell her you didnt wwant to make her upset- but it remembered you of onetime (at bandcamp)when you got a note off a schoolmate cos-pick a thing- haircut- mum made you wear big clumfy shoes . . didnt know kids still did that...see if she opens up anytell her- i never sent anybody one-have you? like reitterate thats NO normal- ?anyway-how can her da not deal with it- hes stupid(put that in his pocket) HE doesnt know how to talk to his kids. !..-sorry -not helpful. ..me or him.

MyopicBunny · 04/02/2024 20:36

One of my girls was like yours op and would clam up. She's 20 now, but when she was about 8 I remember buying her a book about learning about friendships and bullying. I think it was called 'The Smart Girls Guide To Friendship'. She found this helpful to validate how she was feeling and to know if didn't just happen to her.

DreamTheMoors · 04/02/2024 20:50

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 19:52

She’s really upset right now but isn’t talking. Just in her room sorting her pens out. I’ve asked her gently what’s wrong and she said “it’s you asking me stuff”

She’s lying about the note and upset because she’s frightened.
She’s frightened because she thinks if the bully (or bullies) find out that “her mummy” stepped in and contacted the school or did anything to interfere that it’ll make it a thousand times worse for her.
And honestly, it very well could.

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 21:23

Thank you all. She’s okay now and seemed happy at bed time. Thank you for the book suggestion. I really wish she would open up to me but I’m not gonna push it. Thank you so much for helping me through this. I’ll keep you updated.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 21:33

@MyopicBunny thank you, I’ve just ordered the same book from Amazon.

OP posts:
notthatthis · 04/02/2024 21:34

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 04/02/2024 16:25

Speak to your daughter, gently. We found out that DS was being bullied at school only because another parent told us (her child told her about some incidents she witnessed at school). Give her the opportunity to talk to you in a nice safe, secure environment. Then talk to the school.

We also heard from elsewhere in our case the teacher but presented like they are squabbling. Instead DC was having to constantly defend herself from the bully who also happens to be a friend. We then spoke with DC.

ChangeAgain2 · 04/02/2024 21:43

@AdviceonNote id tell her.. I'm sorry that asking questions has made you feel upset. I wanted to talk to you about the note because its mean. I love you and I am worried someond us being unkind to you. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it.

ilovemyspace · 04/02/2024 21:44

Yes, read the book but I would also push back with the note. Reply to it saying something along the lines of ' Dumb??! I think my glasses are cool - and so do all my friends '

Don't let your daughter think she can be bullied like this

Boymum9876789 · 04/02/2024 21:52

Replied before seeing you have a plan in place. Good luck, parenting isn’t easy

PinkyFlamingo · 04/02/2024 21:55

OP you dont seem concerned your DH called you an idiot, is he like that a lot?

BarbieDangerous · 04/02/2024 21:57

Froggy99 · 04/02/2024 16:22

You need to give her the chance to speak to you about it before getting the school involved in my opinion.
Are you and your husband separated?

Show quote history

Can I ask, why would you quote the OP when you’re the first person to comment? Surely your response is obviously going to be in response to the OP? I’m just asking because it just causes additional scrolling and I have no clue why some people do that

WinterDeWinter · 04/02/2024 22:01

Just quickly OP on the intenseness that you mention. Although it sounds as though DH has expressed it quite meanly, he's right to be concerned I think. I too am naturally quite intense and focused and hyper-vigilant. It's had a real impact on my relationship with my eldest in particular. I've now learnt to dial it back a lot but some damage has been done, in that he has told me that when he was younger he didn't want to come to me for help because I go in all guns blazing. It was very hard to hear and I felt really really awful for doing that to him, so it's good that you are aware of it and have a chance to moderate it.

CheekyHobson · 04/02/2024 22:02

Im interested to know who else in your life has spoken to/speaks to you in the same disrespectful and condescending way as your DH, so much so that you don’t properly recognise how abusive it is.

tachetastic · 04/02/2024 22:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Really? Page 1 of a thread about potential bullying at school and you're already suggesting divorce? That's impressive even by Mumsnet standards.

As to OP, as others have said, have a really low-key sit down with your DD when she is home. Not a big deal. Just found this and wanted to check everything is okay. People can be a bit silly can't they, but how are you feeling?

SandyWaves · 04/02/2024 22:15

Do 8 year olds know how to spell dumb? It has a silent b so i'd be surprised

Lollypop701 · 04/02/2024 22:19

My dd is tall, I referred to her as my beautiful leggy blonde. She wears glasses and they make her look fabulous and she can see the stuff she wants to see and take them off for when she wants to see the less of the world. Make her feel strong. Dd isn’t a straight a student, her best friend and brother are, I told her that working hard to achieve her goal is a real accomplishment and I was proud of her for working hard, it would make her life easier because she already knows how to do this. My dd is a great friend and this is wonderful.

focus on her good stuff

we all have to live with shitty people trying to drag us down… so give your dd the ammunition to know that she is a wonderful person and those opinions are just … someone else trying to make themselves feel better about themselves

it’s what you say every day, the offhand compliments, the small comments … I’m so proud you were studying for your test, you helped your brother with x thank you, you are amazing at x ..little things but they have to be true

mommatoone · 04/02/2024 22:20

Hi OP. My DD had to see a therapist last year due to anxiety issues. One of the things she suggested was - if DD didn't want to talk about something, she could write it down and put it in a 'safe' place that we both knew about and I would read it. Maybe something to consider If your DD struggles to open up. Good luck x

Mumsfishnets · 04/02/2024 22:26

It would be odd to approach the school having not spoken to your 8 year old. The first thing they will do is ask her about it. They're not going to bring in forensic investigators!

She might not thank you for going in behind her back. Just have an open chat. If it's a one off , it's obviously not nice but at that age kids do say mean things sometimes. It doesnt always mean its a serious issue like bullying. It could also been retaliation for a note she's written or could she have written it? The only way to find out is to talk to her.

BonjourCrisette · 04/02/2024 22:44

I think you need to tell her kindly that you know she didn't write the note but you understand why she said that and that she isn't in trouble. You also need to tell her that you are going to talk to her teacher about it and she should not worry about this as the only thing that you and her teacher care about is making sure she is happy and safe.

You should take the note to school (maybe take a picture first) and talk to her teacher in the first instance and escalate to head teacher etc if you don't get anything helpful back. It is absolutely bullying and the only way to sort it out is via school.

PerfectTravelTote · 04/02/2024 23:00

"DH is texting me saying I’m stupid"

This is an even bigger problem than the note.

2under4 · 04/02/2024 23:09

On a side note, your poor daughter and poor you OP 🙁What a horrible thing to find - I hope the school sorts the issue quickly x

Healthyhappymama · 04/02/2024 23:12

I'd first ask if everything was ok at school and was everyone being nice to eachother. Then bring up you found a note that wasn't nice and could she explain. I wouldn't tell her the details of the note but would ask if she knew about a note and anything else going on. Give her a chance to talk. Either take it together to the school. Or ask teacher to watch out for anything as of the note you found if you get nowhere

Calliopespa · 04/02/2024 23:15

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:32

@Froggy99 thank you! He makes me doubt myself sometimes.

I don’t wonder at that! He sounds aggressive and dismissive.

I also think he’s wrong. I think both school and DD would not appreciate you raising it without getting DD’s context and feelings about it first. I really can’t see why he thinks not to. Maybe you don’t have his incredible diplomatic manner 😉

As far as talking to her goes just say calmly you found it when doing the washing and worried as it looked to you as though someone was being unkind. Then I’d just leave a space for her to open up. If she doesn’t, you could try asking if she knew who did it or if she was upset about it. So long as you don’t go in guns blazing or full-on emotion and leave space for her to take the lead if she wants to, you can’t go too far wrong. Bear in mind sometimes dcs will “ shoot the messenger”! That doesn’t mean you’ve handled it wrongly, simply that often mum is the person they feel they can download their tension on! Sometimes “ why are you such an idiot? Why were you snooping? Why do you always make such a fuss?” actually means “ I am in fact rather upset about it. Deep down I’m relieved you are asking which is why I’m releasing tension by seeming cross.”

LunaTheCat · 04/02/2024 23:20

Just a thought… your husband sounds like a bully. Maybe she has seen him bullying you and then expects to be bullied herself.
Maybe that the best thing for your daughter is to see you stand up to your husband?
it sounds like an awful situation on both counts.
Stay strong Mama!

Calliopespa · 04/02/2024 23:28

Thinking on it OP, I think DH’s comments were really uncalled for and badly put but I’m wondering if you have a bit of a “mums-xiety” manner ( and I sometimes do and my friends who are mums sometimes do!) . It’s that hideous anxiety you get on their behalf that can make you seem a bit angry with them, simply because you are so worried, the old “ are you hurt?” but shouted like an accusation. My mum used to do it and it did make me feel she was somehow cross; I totally get it now! But I’d just be on your guard for a bit of that - esp if what she tells you is upsetting.

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