Advice on note I found in DD’s pocket

[AdviceonNote]

I found a small note in DD aged 8 in her school coat. It says on one side “I hate your glasses” and on other side “dumb” with a picture of DD’s glasses. She’s in grandmas home right now (MIL) but I texted DH (also at MIL) and he thinks I should speak to school on Monday but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about. DH is texting me saying I’m stupid and have no idea how to talk to kids and I will just push her away from us. What should I do please? She’s our eldest so this is new territory for us.

Tell her that you found the note, you will be speaking to school about it, but if she would like to tell you who wrote it or anything else that is bothering her she can tell you. Let's her know you know and means it's up to her if she talks to you.

Thank you much everyone. Really good and helpful advice.

Start with a general living catch up chat about her visit to Mil.

Then ask how school is going.
How are the other dc getting on, are her friends happy at school, does anyone get into trouble etc.

Then, ‘I was a bit worried because I found this note’ - pause- I wondered whether someone is teasing you- pause- I wanted to check if you are ok- whether you need any help to sort it out- etc.

The idea being to give her lots of chances to raise it herself.
Make it really clear you are checking she’s ok, not trying to interfere.

'I think DH might be right in some sense of how I can be - I don’t mean to be but I know I can come across quite intense'

@AdviceonNote I suspect your DH has labelled you 'intense' OP, as well as 'stupid'. I suspect you're just a caring, concerned parent.

She's 8, you don't need any big build up, chances are she has left the note there in the hope you'd find it. Just talk to her somewhere quiet.

Agree, preferably somewhere away from DH if he's likely to disagree with your handling of the situation.

I do think you need to speak to her first, in the way suggested. But can I raise the possibility that she might not have seen it yet? The bully might have slipped it into her pocket without her knowing.

What you should say to her (in my opinion) is that notes like the one you found in her pocket are bullying and you need to know who is doing this so that the school can stop it.

Tell her that it will not make things worse if she tells you who did it. And that it will be dealt with quickly.

Your poor dd

Start a conversation, "did you have a nice time at your nan's", etc, chat away then I would ask her gently if everything was alright at school, then no matter her reply show her the letter and take it from there.

I'm in two minds. As a former teacher, I think you should not mention this to dd but should take the note into school and talk to the safeguarding lead. As a mother, I think I'd want to know the background from my little one, before the school start covering up. She'll be scared of repercussions from the other children, though, if she knows you are going to 'tell'. But I think you'll have to. 'Your glasses are dumb' now could turn into 'You should kill yourself' in a couple of years' time. Children can be nasty, and even when they know they are, they can do things that have far-reaching consequences that they never actually intended.

I'd not show her the note (it might be really upsetting to look at) just say you've found it, no need to expose her to it again.

Surely you'd speak to the school your husband/grandma would speak to your child ?

Your DH is calling you stupid? Did he write the note?

I think I know who the stupid one is, and it's not you...!!

I'd just say you found a note in her pocket and start off with did she know it was there? I think it will flow quite organically.

Leave your H out of it!

Hold on, how do you know she’s seen the note? What if the bully put it in the bag for her to find later, but she hasn’t found it? Why would she keep it if she HAD found it?

I wouldn't show her the note or mention the exact contents in case your daughter hasn't seen it. It could have been put in her pocket without her knowing. I would tell her that you found a note in her pocket as a starting point, then release further details if necessary in order to extract more info. Then, i would ask more general questions about whether anyone has been mean and if so who.

I would use it as an opportunity to discuss what she should do if someone is mean, who to tell and how to respond.

I would definitely contact the school asap with a copy of the note.

Does DH always speak to you so condescendingly?

He sounds like a bit of a bully himself, tbh.

You do need to give your child the heads up that you will be speaking to school. If not she might feel really betrayed that you went behind her back.

What a charmer!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Pin your DD to the kitchen table with ice cream and coke - or whatever unhealthy fare she favours - and lead her gently to the note. Then raise hell with the school - in a polite and restrained manner that won't brook dissent. (Channel your inner Lady Bracknell.)

I have a different view. The dd may not know of the notes existence and it may cause great unnecessary distress at this stage. I'd take a photo and hand the note to the teacher, saying you haven't raised it. The teacher may recognise the writing and know what's going on and together, with full information you can collaborate with school and both deal with it.

How horrid for your dd.

but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about

I think if you used these words “what it’s about” it does come across as quite confrontational as though your dd has done something wrong

I think that is what your dh is trying to stop.

I think sometimes with the best of intentions words even said gently can imply something quite different to what the speaker means and in some ways I agree with your dh about speaking to the school first and seeing what they say

I don’t think I would show her the note again, as that could be quite traumatic.

If you do ask her about it I think you have to listen to what she is saying and not show your anger. Sometimes being angry just makes it worse for a small child as they feel responsible for you being upset.

As a couple of PPs have mentioned, I was wondering if she even knows the note was there. It may just have been slipped into her pocket without her knowledge.

I would give it directly to the school to sort.

I hesitate to bring this up, OP, but I was bullied and harassed for an entire year when I was 14.
I told no one - I don’t even know why, except I was scared.
The teachers & administrators were well aware of it, though - they witnessed it. They did absolutely nothing. What’s heartbreaking is two of those women were my mum’s good friends.
I didn’t question that until I was much older.
Make sure the school takes action if they need to and don’t blow you off.

100-% chat to your DD and gently encourage her to talk to you. Tallinn to her and being available for her to talk to you is crucial. Why wouldn't he want that.

So-at 8-you still on bathtime,bedtime,run. i'd play it cool- whiles shes-occupied doing hair etc...and doesnt feel cornered at all. Simple-oh,i found this...let her see it.
No questions (yet) IF she wants to tell you-she will.
DONT fire in all protect\defend-for all you know-she mighta thought "so"and forgot all about it. .ie -do NOT project your hurt\upset as hers.She may be-but let her Express what if anythin is relevant.
Kids are-Brutal sometimes-absolutely crushing. (my big sister was epic at it.lol)

gently does it. get facts