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Original poster

Advice on note I found in DD’s pocket

138 replies

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:21

I found a small note in DD aged 8 in her school coat. It says on one side “I hate your glasses” and on other side “dumb” with a picture of DD’s glasses. She’s in grandmas home right now (MIL) but I texted DH (also at MIL) and he thinks I should speak to school on Monday but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about. DH is texting me saying I’m stupid and have no idea how to talk to kids and I will just push her away from us. What should I do please? She’s our eldest so this is new territory for us.

OP posts:
WaitingforSpring24 · 04/02/2024 23:31

Of course you can speak to her! What a strange DH. She is likely very worried, and needs reassurance from you that she's in no trouble at all and that you love her and will sort it - and that she doesn't have to worry this will not make it worse. Give her a big hug and let her tell you any of her fears, don't rush her.

Then get onto that school and make sure this gets really well sorted and report back to your DD exactly what will happen, and get a teacher to also chat with her so that she feels protected and not afraid.

WaitingforSpring24 · 04/02/2024 23:34

I also think at this stage, she really, really needs to know that she doesn't have to say anything. That it's really fine not to. She just needs to hear that you are there for her, that she's not in trouble from you, the school or the bullies, that they will not do anything to her because you found out.

There are some great books online and videos aimed for her from NSPCC and others that you should get to watch with her.

I'd keep her off school for a day so she can have a bit of a breather. And just treat her, pamper her with absolutely zero pressure but encourage her to tell you any fears about it being 'not a secret' so her own needs can come out.

Calliopespa · 04/02/2024 23:36

Calliopespa · 04/02/2024 23:28

Thinking on it OP, I think DH’s comments were really uncalled for and badly put but I’m wondering if you have a bit of a “mums-xiety” manner ( and I sometimes do and my friends who are mums sometimes do!) . It’s that hideous anxiety you get on their behalf that can make you seem a bit angry with them, simply because you are so worried, the old “ are you hurt?” but shouted like an accusation. My mum used to do it and it did make me feel she was somehow cross; I totally get it now! But I’d just be on your guard for a bit of that - esp if what she tells you is upsetting.

Oh I’ve just seen your update OP - and it sounds as though you handled it brilliantly. No mums-xiety! I only raised it as I was really wondering what your DH could have meant.

Scotgran1 · 05/02/2024 00:07

Yes, a bright !8 yr old would spell dumb correctly. I'm 75,,with grandchildren.

Fetaa · 05/02/2024 00:34

Yes good to approach the teacher with this.

Also for a few days different members of the family could put a note in her pocket. A cute drawing and a few words of love.

cupcakesarelife · 05/02/2024 00:54

please talk to your child first as you don't want to do things without her knowing and need to hear her story. she needs to feel listened to and safe in case there is some bullying going on. I would still contact the school though.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 05/02/2024 02:04

43ontherocksporfavor · 04/02/2024 20:21

Unusual for a child to admit to something they didn’t do. I work with 8 year olds . It could be that someone has commented on her glasses making her feel insecure and she’s acting out towards someone else in glasses to make herself feel better. Have seen similar several times before .

Or she's frightened of retaliation if she names her bully.

Been there, done that, worn the blood-spattered t-shirt.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 05/02/2024 02:09

Nicole1111 · 04/02/2024 19:33

The best time to talk to a child is when you’re in the car. They are more likely to share when you’re not looking at them. Just casually say by the way I found a note in your pocket. Do you know where it came from. Then you can talk to the school about it.
Once that problem is resolved maybe you can consider what you’re going to do about your partner speaking to you like shit.

OMG do not do this unless you want a melting-down child screaming at you to stop the car and let her out! Breaching a difficult topic in a small space that the child cannot escape from is textbook "how to go from calm to full-blown panic in seconds". You've got her in a moving cage, just no.

You can talk to people without making eye contact without being in a car. I'm autistic, I do this every day.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 05/02/2024 02:18

PerfectTravelTote · 04/02/2024 23:00

"DH is texting me saying I’m stupid"

This is an even bigger problem than the note.

👏

The man who calls his wife "stupid" deserves divorce papers.

Shoopstoop · 05/02/2024 02:19

A

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 05/02/2024 02:48

Shoopstoop · 05/02/2024 02:19

A

Edited

My sister, a neurotypical adult, did not thank my dad for waiting until she was in his car to discuss the financial aspects of her divorce. She couldn't escape and ended up in tears. It's not an autism thing, it's a not trapping people thing. Anyone who has ever been in a taxi with a driver who insists on voicing his religious or political views will understand this.

It's convenient for the parent because the child can't flee. This doesn't make it pleasant for the child.

brievandecam · 05/02/2024 06:31

B

Nicole1111 · 05/02/2024 08:22

Explain to your daughter you’re sorry you upset her but you thought someone might have been being unkind and you love her and want to make sure that doesn’t happen. Then wait and see if she discusses it. In the meantime though ask the school to keep a close eye on her and show them the note.

TheSnakeCharmer · 05/02/2024 08:50

Perhaps you could model opening up to her by telling her things that happened to you as a child and how it made you feel or how you resolved it.

tocontinue1 · 05/02/2024 09:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Cazzaaaaa · 05/02/2024 13:44

Report to school for bullying

Mariposistaaa · 05/02/2024 15:13

Poor poor little girl. 8 years old and already being bullied to the point she is too intimidated to talk to her parents for fear of the consequences and feels backed into a corner as she knows mum has found out.
You need to deal with this OP. You sound very caring and this needs nipping in the bud quickly.

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 05/02/2024 15:45

UPDATE*

spoke to school who were very understanding and they talked to the class today and it was found out the kids were playing a game called opposites where they write something opposite of what they think! I’m so embarrassed but also don’t know why DD couldnt have just told me if this was the case. Glad it’s all sorted now.

OP posts:
IWishIWasABaller · 05/02/2024 15:50

Please tell me that you're not bloody gullible enough to believe a story like that op?!

MargaretThursday · 05/02/2024 15:56

If it had been that I can't see any reason why you dd wouldn't have told you that.

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 05/02/2024 17:00

@IWishIWasABaller @MargaretThursday you both are saying what I’m really thinking. I have my doubts this is the whole story.

The girl actually had a private talk with teacher and told her it was her (I know who she is now too as DD told me), I’m hoping this will stop her from doing again. The book I ordered yesterday arrived today so I will read that with DD. How would everyone deal with this from now on?

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 05/02/2024 17:26

AdviceonNote · 05/02/2024 17:00

@IWishIWasABaller @MargaretThursday you both are saying what I’m really thinking. I have my doubts this is the whole story.

The girl actually had a private talk with teacher and told her it was her (I know who she is now too as DD told me), I’m hoping this will stop her from doing again. The book I ordered yesterday arrived today so I will read that with DD. How would everyone deal with this from now on?

Just lots of positivity until anything else happens- not in an obvious way, but enough for her to reach into if she’s needing it.

MargaretThursday · 05/02/2024 17:28

I would go back to school and say that you think this is very unlikely to be the case based on dd's reaction. Ask them not to continue it further today, but please can they keep an eye open for further bullying.

Adifferentcorner · 05/02/2024 18:23

I haven’t read all the replies, but a friend advised me once, that if you’d like your child to talk to you, go for a walk or talk to them in the car. Apparently kids open up more when you’re not making eye contact. I’ve found this works really well. Can end up being lighthearted chats or they might tell me things they’re going through.

OldPerson · 05/02/2024 18:26

Worst scenario - another child is being mean to your child. Most important you need to listen to your child. But make it a happy experience, so your child feels reassured coming to you. At age 8, have junk food, hugs and a follow up activity (tv, game) to hand. Don't make a drama out of it, or make your child feel like she's in a court room. You can deal with it. And you always have the back up of going to the school. And you don't have to solve it in one session. "Are you okay?" "Is she/he mean?" "Did you know that only really unhappy people try to make other people unhappy?" "I'm glad I'm not him/her" Find out what's happening and then step back, reflect and decide on next actions if needed. Be completely on her side with support. But don't make a drama out of it. Or become angry about the other child. Just play it all down and make sure there are treats and reassurance for DD talking to you. It will encourage her to always come to you. If you turn into a maternal-instincts, offended-on-her-behalf, outraged nutter, she won't trust you as a safe calm person to come to.