Advice on note I found in DD’s pocket

[AdviceonNote]

I found a small note in DD aged 8 in her school coat. It says on one side “I hate your glasses” and on other side “dumb” with a picture of DD’s glasses. She’s in grandmas home right now (MIL) but I texted DH (also at MIL) and he thinks I should speak to school on Monday but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about. DH is texting me saying I’m stupid and have no idea how to talk to kids and I will just push her away from us. What should I do please? She’s our eldest so this is new territory for us.

Can I recommend getting your daughter the “confidence code for girls” it’s really good and definitely helped my DD in similar situations.

Yes - when DD is home tell her that you found a note in her pocket (or note fell out) and you wondered if it was important or if you should toss it in the bin. See how she reacts. If she sees that you know what it says and you're not upset she's more likely to tell you what's going on. If she doesn't right away, at a time when things are calm - ask her if it was about her glasses.... and you'll figure it out from there.

FWIW my son is 7.5 years old and bedtime cuddles are when he's most likely to tell me about something bothering him. This may mean we're up later than planned. But its the time he opens his heart up.

Op the “ opposites”
game mentioned in your update is a real thing: we played it on school camp when I was a few years older than your DD. Unfortunately it’s not a great game as it tends to promote open season on giving insults that are meant but delivered under cover of being “opposite.” It became pretty obvious to me what was happening with the insults ( as well as lots of “ I really fancy so and so” just for the frisson of saying it out loud when it was probably actually true.) I suspect it was, therefore, unkindly meant and DD may have sensed this but obviously the opposites thing makes it confusing. However I suspect they were in fact playing it and it probably makes it hard to take it further with the school right now ( you don’t want them to become dismissive). But I’d stay on the lookout now you know who said it and move swiftly if there is another incident. The school will also have clocked all this; I just don’t think you’ll get far with them admitting to it at this point . Ironically they can hide behind the “ opposites” as well. Just give her loads of reinforcement and stay alert.

Your husband sounds very unkind

Just tell her you found the note while tidying up and you are a little concerned about the words use.and would like to discuss of further with her if she doesn't mind

Aw how horrible. Many years ago my brother recieved a very nasty note posted through our door by hand, my mum and I saw it and it was so awful we never showed him because he would have been incredibly hurt. My mum went to the school and we did work out who wrote it. Your husband is being ridiculous and frankly downright disrespectful. Of course you should speak to your dd. I would ask her outright if anything or anyone is bothering her at school and let her know she can tell you anything and that you will do your best to help and fix it. Poor kid, I hope she hasn’t seen it.

Why is your DH calling you stupid? He sounds unkind.

There is a social culture in schools about ‘snitching’. So I’d handle this carefully OP. I’d ask DD if she’s knows anything about a note. If not, don’t mention it. But I’d also ask if there’s any other pupils being unkind to her, as well as keeping a close eye on things for a while.
Hope all is ok 💐

Don't show her the note, she knows what it says, she doesn't need to see it again.
Please do tell her that you understand how hurt she must feel and that is okay as it is an unkind thing for someone to do and say, validate her feelings but don't push her to speak immediately, let her know you will be ready when she is to talk & give her lots of hugs and love.
Go back to see if she feels like talking if she doesn't approach you. Explain that you need to speak to school, although she may not wish you to, but while you respect her opinion, this is non-negotiable as it is unacceptable for anyone to treat her in that way, and they need to be aware.
I say this as someone whose DD went through horrific bullying at school and who would minimise as I think she felt responsible in some way.
Keep a close eye on her and ask school to do the same, let her know she can trust you and always come to you with her worries.

I believe you should discuss it with her. Grandma won’t always be around and you need to build a connection with her where she can come to you with anything. Let her know it’s not right and you’re sorry she had to experience that. End the conversation with her knowing whatever it is, you will be her shield and support. Whatever the explanation might be, take it up with school. Nip it in the bud asap. Let them understand your child is not one to be bullied. Make enough noise so the teachers keep an eye out for her because they know her mum can be trouble.

This this and this.
Why would she be crying and upset if it had all been a game. This is the oldest trick in the book that 7-10 years olds do when they don't want to be in trouble for doing something mean.

I think it totally depends on how you talk to your Daughter OP.

Putting the note in front of her and saying "Can you explain what this is and where it came from" is going to come across as accusatory, and make her think you're cross at her (my parents did this, probably because they just didn't know how to handle it and panicked). Like maybe you would be cross at her or think it was her fault she was getting in situations where she was being bullied (like I thought).

Snuggling on the couch and saying how much you love her, and want her to be safe and happy, and that you found the note and it makes you sad that she might be being teased, and that it's not ok, and you want to make it right.....an approach like this will typically get a much better result.

Poor girl. Yes talk to her and not confrontational. Make it a relaxed chat and feel around and see how she responds. If she obliges and tells you then ask her how she would like to deal with it or you to deal with it.
Remeber running to the school doesn't always work out. Could make the situ worse.