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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advice on note I found in DD’s pocket

138 replies

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 16:21

I found a small note in DD aged 8 in her school coat. It says on one side “I hate your glasses” and on other side “dumb” with a picture of DD’s glasses. She’s in grandmas home right now (MIL) but I texted DH (also at MIL) and he thinks I should speak to school on Monday but I think we should show the note to DD when they come back and ask her what it’s about. DH is texting me saying I’m stupid and have no idea how to talk to kids and I will just push her away from us. What should I do please? She’s our eldest so this is new territory for us.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 04/02/2024 18:35

pickledandpuzzled · 04/02/2024 16:35

Start with a general living catch up chat about her visit to Mil.

Then ask how school is going.
How are the other dc getting on, are her friends happy at school, does anyone get into trouble etc.

Then, ‘I was a bit worried because I found this note’ - pause- I wondered whether someone is teasing you- pause- I wanted to check if you are ok- whether you need any help to sort it out- etc.

The idea being to give her lots of chances to raise it herself.
Make it really clear you are checking she’s ok, not trying to interfere.

Do this. Make sure you do it well away from your dickhead DH.

thebestinterest · 04/02/2024 18:37

Your husband called you stupid? He sounds like a bully himself.

LivelyBlake · 04/02/2024 18:42

Heather37231 · 04/02/2024 18:19

Hold on, how do you know she’s seen the note? What if the bully put it in the bag for her to find later, but she hasn’t found it? Why would she keep it if she HAD found it?

OP, have you read this?

Nicole1111 · 04/02/2024 19:33

The best time to talk to a child is when you’re in the car. They are more likely to share when you’re not looking at them. Just casually say by the way I found a note in your pocket. Do you know where it came from. Then you can talk to the school about it.
Once that problem is resolved maybe you can consider what you’re going to do about your partner speaking to you like shit.

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 19:45

I asked her and she told me she wrote it, I know she’s lying and that’s not her handwriting plus she’s really upset now. I didn’t bring it up again I’m leaving it for now - any advice or insight?

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 19:45

She did know about the note in response to the question she might not have seen it

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 04/02/2024 19:49

what does your dd think to her glasses? did she wright the note as she feels they aren't nice? we can all do different handwriting if we want to.

two things, find out whether she thinks her glasses are an issue that could be solved and if someone else being unkind

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 19:52

She’s really upset right now but isn’t talking. Just in her room sorting her pens out. I’ve asked her gently what’s wrong and she said “it’s you asking me stuff”

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 19:53

She’s not the type to share things that upset her compared to my other child (younger) who tells me everything that’s happened in his day and at school etc. she’s not very open about her feelings. She’s been like this from a young age.

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 04/02/2024 19:53

Give her time and space, keep connecting in other ways. It will probably come out at bedtime

Original poster
AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 19:54

@MikeRafone shes had the glasses for a while and she chose them. They’re nice glasses not NHS ones as she didn’t like the ones that were free so I paid for these and she chose them. She’s had them for months

OP posts:
BestBadger · 04/02/2024 19:58

Trust your own instincts. You've managed capably enough for 8 years.

NeverMindIGuess · 04/02/2024 19:59

If your sure she definitely didn't write the note - it may be that it's someone she sees as a friend, someone who 'is' a friend which is why she's said it was her and why she's now upset.

Don't focus on the note so much now, just focus on her self esteem. Don't make it about what she/whoever wrote but about how everyone is unique and also use your own experiences to relate to her
'You know, when I was at school my best friend wore glasses and I was really jealous because they were pink and had sparkles'
'When I was your age I had these shoes I absolutely loved, but my friend told me she didn't like them and it made me quite sad for a couple days, but I still liked them so I didn't stop wearing them'

You won't be able to 'fix' her hurt, but you can show her that someone saying hurtful things doesnt make them true.

Lamelie · 04/02/2024 20:00

RosesAndHellebores · 04/02/2024 18:27

I have a different view. The dd may not know of the notes existence and it may cause great unnecessary distress at this stage. I'd take a photo and hand the note to the teacher, saying you haven't raised it. The teacher may recognise the writing and know what's going on and together, with full information you can collaborate with school and both deal with it.

How horrid for your dd.

Exactly this.
Also if you show her and she has seen it she may feel she has to minimise it.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 04/02/2024 20:00

Reassure her OP. "I can see you're upset. I know you didn't write that and someone's being unkind to you. I'm your Mum so I'm always on your side
Don't worry about it now - we'll talk when you're ready."
How about a ... cup of tea / watch TV etc...

Let her decompress and maybe do something with her - children often talk when "alongside" an adult rather than directly confronted ?

craigth162 · 04/02/2024 20:05

Allfur · 04/02/2024 16:31

Your dh sounds horrible

This!!

Walking2024now33days · 04/02/2024 20:13

@AdviceonNote

with your DH being horrible to you & saying what he does, it's no surprise she's copying him & saying you are the reason she's upset.

its a disgusting way to talk to you and a disgusting way for him ti display how you should be spoken to.

He'd be moving to his mothers, let ht her deal with him.

id just tell DD it's unacceptable for her to be bullied like that. I'd say I know she didn't write the note.

Happyhappyday · 04/02/2024 20:13

I would probably approach it after doing a nice activity together, for me that would be reading with DD and say something, when I was emptying pockets for the wash, I found this and I was hoping you could tell me about it. And then focus on just listening and asking really open questions, how did it make you feel? Was that ok with you? Being careful to keep tone neutral and letting the conversation end as soon as she seems ready.

43ontherocksporfavor · 04/02/2024 20:16

You just say “ I found this in your coat pocket. Do you know anything about it?’ Ask in a kind way without blame or accusation.

MargaretThursday · 04/02/2024 20:16

AdviceonNote · 04/02/2024 19:53

She’s not the type to share things that upset her compared to my other child (younger) who tells me everything that’s happened in his day and at school etc. she’s not very open about her feelings. She’s been like this from a young age.

I have two like that. My oldest would only tell me several months later, and my middle told me absolutely every scandal of the form in detail.

What I found with my oldest is the best was often to speak to the teacher quietly, and ask them not to let me know that I had told them. They were always really good and on a similar occasion pretended that they'd found the note on the floor next to her desk, so the person that wrote it assumed it had fallen out, and she thought they'd written two.

Codlingmoths · 04/02/2024 20:18

I’d ask your dh if he wrote it as he seems a natural at being nasty to people. You have to talk to school, I’m sorry your daughter clammed up. I guess you say very gently, darling I have to talk to your teacher about that note, it’s a teachers job to stop that kind of thing happening.

43ontherocksporfavor · 04/02/2024 20:21

Unusual for a child to admit to something they didn’t do. I work with 8 year olds . It could be that someone has commented on her glasses making her feel insecure and she’s acting out towards someone else in glasses to make herself feel better. Have seen similar several times before .

Hiddenmnetter · 04/02/2024 20:23

tolerable · 04/02/2024 18:35

So-at 8-you still on bathtime,bedtime,run. i'd play it cool- whiles shes-occupied doing hair etc...and doesnt feel cornered at all. Simple-oh,i found this...let her see it.
No questions (yet) IF she wants to tell you-she will.
DONT fire in all protect\defend-for all you know-she mighta thought "so"and forgot all about it. .ie -do NOT project your hurt\upset as hers.She may be-but let her Express what if anythin is relevant.
Kids are-Brutal sometimes-absolutely crushing. (my big sister was epic at it.lol)

gently does it. get facts

Completely irrelevant but this was so hard to read. Lord of the sub clause!

martinisforeveryone · 04/02/2024 20:27

Too late now having seen your update OP, but I would've taken my time on this one.

DH's reply was rude, yes, but unlike everyone else's response, I'd definitely have explored with him if he has any experience of bullying in school, from either end of it. He was quite visceral in his text to you and I'd want to find out why that was.

Of course, he could just be an arse, but he does have a point about how you handle it to best help your daughter without her clamming up.

MyopicBunny · 04/02/2024 20:27

I would show the note to her teacher. Perhaps they will be able to decipher the handwriting. I very much doubt that she wrote this herself.