Food portions and how to laugh this off??

[PenisPortions]

Help me dear mners, my dh is gaslighting me into accepting his penis portions and I need your stories of similar craziness to help me laugh it off..!

In laws came round, we had two large steaks for dinner. MIL wasn't keen on steak so we made her a stuffed pepper and sides so she was catered for and happy. FIL wanted half of one of the steaks, fine. Dh asked what I thought about that and I said yes fine we'll just share the rest. Dh looked confused for a bit and I said I think it's enough between the two of us to share the remainder.

FIL cooked the sides, DH bbqed the steaks (i was in with the baby), and I come out to see three plates of food. Two have half a steak on them and the third has a whole steak, which dh had claimed as his plate.

I was like ummm are you not splitting it? He said yes I did, and I kind of laughed in disbelief saying no you've given yourself twice the amount of food as me! He got really defensive, said this was what we agreed (not true), and got cross. I told him I was going to even things out, so cut off some of his, and he was so grumpy about it, saying he'd said he wanted a full one and I agreed to that. No "I'm sorry I misunderstood and under catered for you, let's split it like grown ups".

It is such a stupid little thing but keeps playing on my mind, what on earth was that?! Please tell me stories of similar imbalances that your partners have tried to get away with to help me put it into perspective.

@InASnowGlobeSpinning, thanks, and sorry for being condescending. It was not my intent to claim a monopoly, just to reflect that trying to be impartial and disinterested is indeed hard in relation to the discussions on biological needs for food. .

It's weird that the thread veered straight into a conversation about biological needs for food - immediately as people started responding that the DH needs more calories, ignoring the fact that he was taking those calories from his wife leaving her with less food than she wanted so that he could have all the food he wanted. I'm still finding it hard to understand why so many posters were so insistent that his satisfaction was so much more important than his wife's satisfaction and tried to back this up with calorific requirements which were never relevant to the actual scenario.

And I think the reason people responded like that was entirely because our attitudes towards food are so bound up with emotion, shame and guilt. Food carries a lot of cultural and emotional baggage. There were women on this thread to whom it's unthinkable that a man could possibly endure a mild pang or two of hunger, who consider it greedy and unseemly for a woman (even when breastfeeding) to want a normal size dinner, who are so certain it's a woman's role to smilingly give way and put everyone else's wants above her own. It's a thread about what might be an inconsequential occurrence that reveals so much about what we've all got going on when it comes to food!

I think some of the responses around calorific intake actually were triggered by the title (before it was changed.) This mentioned penis portions and so I suppose it rather focused the attention on that concept, attention/grabbing as the phrase was. The bottom line ( getting lots of anatomy in here) is that men actually do have higher calorific requirements. Certainly the reason I mentioned it was in the vein ( more body bits!) of are they actually a justifiable thing. For me this was no manifestation of derp seated servitude but rather a grudging admission, since a friend had recently looked into it for her frankly quite gluttonous seeming ( sorry Sweden, but he did come across that way) teenage son. We were dismayed to find his claims justified to a larger extent that we had realised not because we were so downtrodden and male worshipping. but actually the contrary: slightly irritated that his apparent gluttony was more valid than we were inclined to think. It’s interesting that that extra calorie requirement takes the intake to a different looking plate. I guess because we are accustomed to a basic sized plateful of food. If the title had said something like “ should DH get first choice of the best bits” or “ should BF mum be prioritised” or some such it might have not have gone down the “ are penis portions an actual thing “ route. They are. Annoying. I find it so - esp as often men don’t seem to me to rush round doing as much . With respect to all the detailed discussion around iron content etc it is true that women need a fractional amount more. However iron is a stored nutrient so individual one-off meals ( which this instance was) don’t have the immediate relevance to those requirements. Calories need constant replenishment on much more of a daily basis. I think that’s why everyone “ rushed in” on the calorie thing. Just an observation around the slightly annoying fact the AVERAGE guy needs more than the ABERAGE woman ( not commenting on women who run weekly marathons etc etc … ) . I certainly don’t feel a woman eating a full steak is unseemly or have any baggage round it. You should see me wolfing them down. But I wouldn’t make a fuss in the circumstances outlined over the discrepancy at issue and in front of guests and think that was unseemly of both op and DH.

I might , however, have made a quick visit to the butchers next day and purchased a 400gram “ mine and all for me” and determined to ignore the doorbell round supper time.

Anyway, the thread could have taken a weirder turn, given the title, and I was fully bracing myself for TMI …

It's odd though @Calliopespa that you defend the use of men's greater need for calories as valid but dismiss the discussion of women's need for iron etc as so marginal. It's like men needing more food is presented as more important and genuine than any other consideration. When in the circumstances, in order to meet his needs then the OP couldn't meet hers.

Basically, I think it's fine for men to eat more than women but not for men to take women's food! And I don't think 'but he's a man so needs more' should be used as a defence for that. And this is what the penis portions thing always means - it's never women complaining that eg MIL gives them a full serving but DH more. It's always about men being given more at a woman's expense, men being served first or men being given the best food and women going without. So it never makes sense for people to argue 'but men need more food' on those threads.

Well I’m used to the oldest woman at the table being served first, then down through the women before starting on the men. Many uk and European restaurants still use this system and where they don’t it’s generally either seating arrangements or whose meal came from the kitchen first, and nothing to do with catering for men ahead of women. I can’t speak for all cultures. I’m not sure anyone on here was arguing men should be served first or the best bits as a general rule. But they do tend to require more calories - and the penis portion quip triggered discussion of that point.

What usually happens in our house ( and extended family) is everyone is served the same amount ( women first) and it’s the men who mostly go back for seconds. I will admit DH uses up the last of things in the fridge without asking if anyone else wanted it . 🙄 And I do agree men show less restraint when helping themselves - hence OP and her DH. But what I’m really saying is I don’t think you should feel people were saying it was somehow undignified for OP to have had the same amount if she wanted it. It was just a left field situation, and it was undignified of them both to bicker. I DO agree there is a lot more societal pressure on women in terms of body image and appearance but I think that’s not exactly what this post was about. It was about apparent male, greed, not pressure for women to be thin.

I think it's all tied up together. And I'm not saying it's the norm to serve men first for most people, just that this is something that comes up on penis portion threads - in households where men are unfairly prioritised hence someone starting a thread to complain.

If you come onto a penis portion thread from a household without a sexist dynamic then you might read it and think oh well, men need more that's why they get a bigger serving - and not realise that the person is actually talking about an unfair situation. Eg I've read a thread on here where a woman has been given a bowl of peas to eat at Christmas dinner while her husband sat down to a full roast - that was extreme penis portions! (I think also a MIL who disappoved of vegetarianism in that one!)

Typically it's threads where a woman gets given a tiny amount and her male partner huge platefuls, a discrepancy way beyond the different amounts men and women might usually eat. That is penis portions! Penis portions are not when a woman gets a decent serving and a man gets a bit more. I think that's the misunderstanding.

This thread fits penis portion definitions because he's assumed himself entitled to take the OP's food and give it to his dad, but not give up any of his own. So it's unfair, and exacerbated by her breastfeeding.

I have teenage sons, I am in no doubt whatsoever that they need and want more food than me. But they wouldn't take half my dinner off me for themselves! I'd serve them more food than me in general of course, or they'll have seconds (or thirds!) most mealtimes, but if there isn't enough fillet steak to go round for whatever reason they wouldn't feel entitled to mine!

and it’s the men who mostly go back for seconds. I will admit DH uses up the last of things in the fridge without asking if anyone else wanted it . 🙄

I sort of wish my husband would do this. He won’t take the last or all of anything and as a consequence we end up with stuff getting wasted.