Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

These requests to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money

I'll bet

I'd already made my own money before inheriting, but some similar things happened to me whhen it happened (I was the cancel the cheque poster, and that was just one of them)

My own is already largely spent in the community, but CFs aren't welcome and I'd suggest you close this down right now

No, a mother/ godfather doesn't have to support financially the caprices of the mother of they godson/ goddaughter.

They have to support the kid as family and be there in times of need. Like a grandparent or aunt etc.

Hawaii and Florida a 3 years old? Sure. I bet the little one won't be able to sleep for a year if that trip didn't happened.

I am godmother to a few of my nieces and nephews…but I honestly can’t remember which ones.

Like a PP mentioned, she is probably putting those thoughts in his head and will continue until he learns how to do it on his own.

I truly hope you don't get taken for a ride by this person, but most of us can see the many, many red flags she is waving in your face. Even the fact that the other GP is in France is a red flag. 🚩🚩🚩

She wants what you have. Simple as that, and has already decided she will use her child as an excuse to get it.

Just politely decline, with whatever excuse you wish. The truth is, unless you go to church regularly or don't wish to start, it might be difficult to do the Godparent honor justice in the way it should be.

And I repeat, she showed you her true colors when she mentioned you could sell your company and "help out friends and family". When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them. No decent, caring, kind friend or family member would ever suggest such a thing. Yet, she did.

Edited to add: Because you are already taking them out, etc. she sees no reason to not try to get you to give more. The fact that you are kind, nice and caring are qualities she sees as being able to extort.

Personally, I think you see exactly what she is doing (using you), but for some reason, are letting it happen.

Buy the child the book, "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie". Then read it first before you give it to the child. It's a life lesson in a few pages.

You sound like a lovely person and more so for even considering this. I agree its an honour to be asked to be a Godmother. I don't know what happened in the past. I think it was along the lines of if the parents pass away the Godmother would be there for the child when necessary. In this day and age the role is purely symbolic and there is absolutely no obligation in any way whatsoever. I am a Godmother to a friends child. The family moved abroad and we've lost contact. You have nothing to worry about and to be honest I think your friend has a nerve imposing on you like this. I would simply acknowledge the comments and change the subject with absolutely no guilt involved. Incidentally by gifting your friends child and everything else your spending money on with respect I think your adding to the entitlement your ftiend now has so I'd stop doing this apart from birthdays and Christmas.

A tiny example of 1 - my son and his thought process when he was three: I drove a BMW Z3 and his nan drove a 20yr old Vauxhall Viva with fun fur seat covers. He asked me if I thought we could ever afford to have four seats like nanny 😁

@Sandunesandseashells haha yes!
My daughter wanted me to swap our 5 bed for a tiny little cottage at that age...because it has flowers around the door and it looked fancy.

I have 3 DC, Godparents to two of the three are millionaires (we are not). They are generous with birthday and Christmas gifts (took us to the ballet this year) and sometimes buy the girls jewellery, or take them into Primark and treat them, but there is no expectation from our side.

Traditionally, Godparents would be expected to take the children in the event that the parents die, I had to tell my husband that the DC did not all need to have the same Godparents and our wills would stipulate what happened to the kids if we died.

I agree with this. Tell her, when you back to work full-time you could save up towards holidays and maybe a bigger home. You can say it kindly. But the comments about selling your company to help family and friends is out of order, ask her, "would you though? Really? i can't imagine anyone expects that sort of thing of other people". Put it on her to explain that comment.

😂😂😂😂😂

This is actually quite crazy. I can't believe how entitled some people are. It's shameless

You have only got another 20 years of this to go...

Unless you nip it in the bud now and ask her why she keeps bringing material things up. Point it out to her every time (beyond the usual moans we all have obvs!)

It wont be easy - but keeping quiet now wont help you long term

Yep, this. Does she actually want you to be a godparent, helping to raise the child in the light of Christ? Or is she just looking to award you a role where you feel obliged to give her some cash?

The latter is not what a godparent is. Godparents have absolutely no obligation to buy anything for the child, though some will give Christmas and birthday gifts. Godparents definitely don’t buy a new house for the parent.

Four year olds may well ask for a new ride on car, or any other toy they have seen, with no conception of price. They may also say they want a house like X, if they have been round to other, larger houses (DS always wanted to know why we couldn’t have a big garden like DM, oblivious to the fact she lives in rural Sussex and we live in Zone 2 in London). Mine also desperately wants to go to Costa Rica on holiday, but only because that is where Jurassic World is set and he thinks he’ll see dinosaurs.

None of that is unusual, but equally none of it needs to be taken seriously or pandered to.

Are you in the Midlands? my great nieces in Nottingham describe posh houses, cars etc as ‘fancy’. It’s not a word I ever hear in the South West.

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

No he doesn’t! It is she who wants to go to these places! He’s unlikely to have heard of them unless she put the idea in his head. Her wants are outrageous; most working 2 parent families aren’t able to afford those things.

I would be reluctant to be a godparent to be honest. Just tell her you’re not religious enough!

My older child who had to share a bedroom with me till he was 6/7 as single parent having to live with parents never once asked about wanting out own house never mind a bigger house and he went to private preschool cheaper than nursery till nearly 5 summer baby ! Your mate is having it on offer to babysit so she can go on courses to help get a better paid job bet the answer will be no.

If the religious aspect was important to her he’d have been christened as a baby - as is the norm.
She’s suddenly realised a christening now, would handcuff you to this child for life with your sense of duty.

Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

Bloody hell I hope not! I've got seven god children 😬

@pureshoresss Have you decided what you are going to do?

Yeah your 'friend' picked you as they thought they could milk you for all you're worth and you would be buying stuff for their child all the time.

I did once hear someone saying that they were asking John (or whatever) to be a godfather as he was old, single and no-one to leave his money too!

Godparents only responsibility is to look after a child's spiritual welfare.
It is a well-recognised convention to give Xmas/birthday presents, and to take an interest in the child.
Financial responsibility? No.

Absolutely in no way shape or form should you as a godparent be financially responsible for your godchild. The role involves looking out for, yes the odd treat (that includes to me a doughnuts not nessacarily a toy)

Also as a mother of a 4 year old. Those questions or anything like those questions have ever crossed his mind or come out of his mouth.
The questions sound more like something that's come from an adult (the mother) than the child tbh.

We live in a much smaller flat than many of DDs friends. Yes she understands that they have bigger houses/ cars etc, she's not an idiot, but she has never asked for a bigger house or fancy holidays. If she did I would be having words with her about being grateful for what we have.

If your friends child was genuinely saying these things (I don't believe he is) then she should be addressing it in the same way, not moaning that she needs a bigger house but can't afford it. And no 3 year old is asking for private education.

I would be very wary of her, plus the christening sounds odd. Why hasn't this happened by now? I would be worried she's stringing you along in case a perceived better offer comes up

Why isn't the child's father being obliged to pay as he should? I'd have thought that would be the first thing your friend should do.

No 3yo wants to go to Hawaii or Florida, that's your friend's desire. The child might want to go to the seaside or stay somewhere with a swimming pool/water park because he's seen them somewhere, but he wouldn't know or care if it's Hawaii or the Canaries.

God parents used to take the child in days gone by when parents died. This, thank goodness, is rare now. But the care of the child would be basic, as it was for all children, and definitely wouldn't have included sports clubs, music lessons, toys, foreign holidays etc. You are under no obligation to fund the lifestyle your friend wants.

I think you already know the answer to this.