Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

No 3 year old asks for a bigger house.

This person does not sound like much of a friend, just someone who is out for what they can get.

I have 3 godparents - they sent me Christmas and birthday presents and visited (they didn’t bankroll their visits!) that is more than enough. I was very grateful for that.

No it’s absolutely not normal. Your ‘friend’ is a grabby chancer. I would definitely be looking at distancing myself.

My godfather is a pretty well known tv actor. Maybe I’ll try and get him to bankroll me - I’ve missed a trick

Some people moan about money all the time….to anyone who will listen.

It’s possible she says this stuff to everyone and it’s not connected to you coming into money or a way if asking you to pay for this stuff.

Just make sympathetic noises about how expensive everything is and carry on doing what you want - Christmas and birthday o resents are usual. Some have closer relationships with godchildren and do more with them - it’s for everyone to work out for themselves and no right answer.

If I picked rich godparents I would expect a fair deal of gifts/support/help

BUT it's grabby & your not obligated to stay in touch with them (I'm assuming you knew her before & did get on?)

"Single recently come into money and has no children so rolling in money and no-one to spend it on or leave it to bar her dear GS" cash cow, at that.

I'd be distancing myself, OP. You sound kind but you're being set up to be the one paying for a lot of things as the child grows up. And stop offering to pay for everything now.

Gifts, yes. Help with general costs of living and broader financial support, no.

If I picked rich godparents I would expect a fair deal of gifts/support/help
Why would you expect a fair deal of everything? It's not a right.
The more people expect from me ( as a right) the less I am inclined to give.

Definitely NOT
She is a grabby CF
I would decline to be Godparent, she sees you as a cash cow!!!

Why is she looking for a Godmother NOW? Is she having him christened? Or is it just a "nomimal" godmother thing because OP has come into some money?

I think you are taking your friends grumblings to heart.
She is not asking you to fork out money for those things. Perhaps she is just voicing because she is embarrassed to be poorer than you.

Replies you could make ...
The size of your home doesn't matter - you've made a secure, loving home.
Child will do well at another school, he has your detirmination.
The toy library could have a peddle car you could borrow.

Stay her friend. Keep taking an interest in child. Take the child on an adventure sometimes - walking around the lake, to the libraray or museum, to a great playground.

No, you're being taken for a mug. That's seriously shit of her. Sorry.

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

When my eldest was about that age he used to talk a lot about going on holiday to Uruguay, because he'd seen it on a map or the television and used to like the sound of the word. He used to draw maps of how to get there and make tickets for travel. He had half the nursery on board asking to go to Uruguay. If this child is asking to go to Florida or Hawaii it's either because he has some abstract idea of what that place is, or because he's been encouraged to want to go there by someone else or both (probably encouraged by his mum in this case). We never went to Uruguay, my ten year old doesn't even remember that ambition because we didn't keep going on about it, and it certainly didn't harm him not to get there.

We always do child friendly things and also manage to do things that are slightly adult based too, such as nice pub lunches and wine too. So it's actually a really nice mix of both - and I don't mind paying. I always offer to do so, as I think that's right. Especially when I'm not the one who is a single parent and the higher earner.

No sorry it’s not ‘right’ for you to always pay. Why is it expected for you to subsidise her just because you don’t have a child? Sorry OP but she’s using you.

I have friends with far better paid jobs than me but I would never in a million years expect them to pay for my social life.

Because that would be why I did it 😂

HOWEVER nobody obligated to play along & OP presumably knew this women beforehand so a quick 'no' or this friendship isn't working for me would be fine

Raising kids is expensive (even more so if they come out comparing houses with friends & insisting on Florida & Hawaii holidays 😂)
& private schools are expensive but at least the mother had a get rich quick plan in place & OP's been well advised to distance herself

It seems like this woman is on the make. Either that or she is just genuinely sharing her concerns about her situation with her friend (unlikely).
Do not bow down to any of this crap. As far as I'm aware a godparent is a pretty token thing, I would expect that they might wish to buy a gift for the kid on birthday and xmas but no more than any other caring friend or family member. I'd keep your distance in all honesty as it seems like she's expecting things of you which are not acceptable.
At one point she was seemingly implying you should pay for her child's private education, what.. until aged 18? Nonsense.

Bless her for trying, but no.

Definitely not, CF! You are there to offer moral support and a birthday/Christmas present is appreciated but that’s all. I’m a single parent and it wouldn’t occur to me ask!

Absolutely not!! This person is definitely trying it on.

Yes definitely this!

It’s not exactly unknown for a godparent with money and no other dependents to be appointed In unspoken hope of potential inheritances down the line , or for useful connections at some point ( the plot of many an old novel) - this may be in addition to their spiritual or moral guidance, of course, but the other godparents could fill in for that.

Expecting financial support for a child, apart from maybe birthday and Xmas presents, is beyond cheeky.

Theoretically a God parent is to offer spiritual guidance to the child.
I would expect them to be a kind of mentor in the child's life going forward, or to be available as such.
If the parents are religious, and have religious mile stones, then I would probably expect a Godparent to give a present at that time (Christening, and / or 'first communion', etc)

Absolutely not!

The task of a godparent is to guide the spiritual development of the child, and help them learn about God and their place in the world.

Obviously a Christmas and birthday present isn't an unreasonable thing to expect, and maybe help the child in later life if (say) you had influence in an area they wanted to work in, and often the godparent is named as the child's guardian in the event that the parent/s die while the child is still dependant - but no, it isn't the godparent's responsibility to finance the child's upbringing.

It sounds like this is why she asked you.

You’re being conned. Step away from this friendship as soon as you can.

No child of that age is aware of financial discrepancies, but the over egging of the pudding happened somewhere around wanting to go to Hawaii. No 3 year old wants to go to Hawaii because they've no concept of where it is!!

If her kid wanted to go to the moon, would she expect you to make it happen?

She's a grabby twat OP.

If the christening hasn't happened yet, now might be a good time for you to do some prep about the service and the promises you will be asked to make.
I speak as an Anglican godmother to several, plus one Roman Catholic (parish priest was OK with the fact that I was another "brand" of Christianity!)
As your late DM was a regular churchgoer, I'd guess there's a prayer book floating around the house; if not, websites will give you background information.
Different Christian denominations have different expectations; some simply bless and welcome the child, leaving baptism until they are adult and able to answer for themselves. If the family is Roman Catholic, First Holy Communion will be a significant event, as well as their confirmation.
But as a general rule, your role is to offer spiritual support and guidance.
As for gifts; I still treasure the prayer book my late godmother gave me, and a silver napkin ring engraved with my name. My godparents were there, rooting for me at my confirmation. I have in my time handed over such gifts as a Children's Bible. As they have grown, I have sent them carefully chosen gifts in the same spirit as I would for nieces and nephews, not necessarily particularly "holy"!
As pleasantly as you can, I would steer your friend back to the true significance of baptism, and what the expectations should be.