Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

Outside the Christian context, I always thought it meant giving them a birthday present each year then helping them get work-experience or an internship much later on!

Agree the son should be or should soon be at an age where you can spend time with him without her which might he'll.

And that before you formally become a godparent set expectations about what the role of a godparent is. Tell her you view it as a child to have regular contact with, and religious guidance. If she says any different to this then tell her no, you love her son but to you and to the church a godparent is mostly about a special relationship and spiritual guidance and if she doesn't see it as that then it could cause issues. Is she religious?

@pureshoresss She is not your friend. She is using you. You seem like a lovely, giving person and she’s taking advantage of that.

I dont believe her DS is asking for a bigger house and the like. The most would be "Kevin has an AMAZING race car bed!!!" or "Nigel has a swing in his garden!!!" or whatever. When mine was that age, they didnt even consistently make the leap between what Kevin had and what they could have.

Even if is peculiarly materialistic at the age of 3, it still doesn't mean you should pay.

If you're very good friends, can you tell her? Either you cant afford these things for her dc either, you're not a regular churgoer anymore so dont want to be Godmother, etc.

She sounds like a user, also sounds like she thinks you are a lot better off than you are. Many years ago I knew a woman who asked a titled friend of ours (daughter of an earl) to be her daughter's godmother. Thing is though, she had spent years beforehand slagging off this friend. Being a godparent was a religious thing, maybe one might expect to get a better present from a godparent than from other relatives but not to have them buy you a house!

Dear Op, it is heavy and pointed hints now when you are not even officially the godparent. If you persist in not picking up the hints, I guarantee that it will be outright pleas for loans or gifts. The child whom you love may be used a bargaining tool and access denied. There is a whole world of hurt heading your way and the child will be harmed too. Please think twice about this godparent role. Decline the role but still maintain the same level of involvement or try to.

I am asian, Indian. I had relatives who'd use their children to demand gifts from my mother. "Tell grandma you want diamond earrings for your birthday!" When people show you who they are, take note.

I would be so tempted to troll the CF.
Friend^ DS wants a bigger house/holiday to Disney. ^
You: Oh, would you like to me to give him some spiritual guidance and teach him that isn't very Christian?

On a more serious note, my DP both died in an accident when I was small, so I was adopted by my Godfather/Uncle & his wife. So I don't actually think it's crazy to ask GP who are financially stable. But that's a world away from paying for the DM's luxury lifestyle.

No.

What a cheeky bitch! I could never do that to someone. She also doesn’t sound like she’s struggling that much either. Grabby cow.

And no 4 year old in the history of the world said those things or understands those concepts. She’s also a liar & manipulative

This.

And no 4 year old in the history of the world said those things or understands those concepts.

This👆

I don't believe a child of that age would make such comments. Children aren't aware of the comparative sizes of houses until much later on, and are generally happy in their own homes unless something is badly wrong.

Your friend is having you on in an attempt to prime you for requests for financial support in the future.

I'm childless and have had experience of being targeted as a godparent for this reason. There is an expectation that you will spend some of the money you have 'saved' from not having children on theirs, and perhaps leave a legacy to them, which makes me really cross. If you think you might struggle to resist the pressure, I would decline.

She is taking advantage of you! I have a child that age and him and his two siblings never once said those things at that age. When she says next that DC is asking for a bigger house and he is so sad that his friends have this and that. Just ask the follow up question. Oh no! What are you going to do about it? How are you going to provide that? She’s had the child so she should try and improve her financial situation. It’s not your responsibility!

No it’s not a Godparents responsibility to finance lifestyle
Its their responsibility , in a very literal sense, to offer emotional and religious support.
Shes hinting I would say, especially given the timing of your ‘upgrade’.
Ignore it and offer advice

I think that historically, if parents died and there was no suitable family member to take over the care of a child then the godparents would sometimes do so, but that certainly wouldn't be assumed nowadays.
As others have said,the vows are around supporting the parents in the Christian upbringing of the child, but in practice these days it's often just a recognition that the adult is someone who is close to the parents and will therefore probably be close to the child - a kind of special aunt or uncle type thing. I don't think most people really expect any major input from their children's godparents.

I'm a Godmother to a couple of my nephews but I have 14 nieces and nephews. I have always been an involved Auntie and taken my nieces and nephews on days out, babysat them, and bought them birthday and Xmas gifts. I have helped out my 2 Godsons' a bit more over the years but when they were adults. When one of them was off work sick after a serious accident I helped him pay his mortgage. I did it quietly and certainly my other nieces or nephews were not told. I did also gave them more money when they got married. They will be left with some money in my will too.

@pureshoresss I think she is confusing you being a Godmother to being a Fairy Godmother. But her child isn't Cinderfella and unless you have mice that can sew, she's playing you.

She is hoping, that if you say yes, she can guilt-trip you into supporting her and her child with all the things she thinks they deserve and a lifestyle that is unobtainable, even for you, I bet.

I would have declined as soon as she mentioned selling your company so you could "help" family and friends. No real friend would ever, ever say that! She wants a hand-out and unless you want to be nagged into eternity, you should decline. Then she can concentrate on the super wealthy person in France. Heck, maybe she'll move there if they fall for her ploy.

Friend? Really?

Completely OOO.

Just do what you're doing in terms of visits and small presents, but you need to call her game a game by saying, "Wow, where's he getting these ideas from? It's a bit privileged thinking like that.
Of course you'll be able to go out to work soon so that may help you, but big dreams need big income."

I hope you can remain friends, but she def needs to be 'told' in the nicest way poss to stop with the fantasies thinking you'll fund her life!

Incredible OP! I could have written this post!!! I am in the exact same situation! I was asked to be a GM and since then; it has been one request after the other! when I could not live up to expectations, she now resents me! Be firm and learn to say NO!!!

@pureshoresss my children's godparents have just been like fun aunts/uncles remembering birthdays and having them for sleepovers or occasional days out, and being cheerleaders for all their achievements. Additionally, since my oldest child has become a teen the Godparents will step in to offer him emotional support or positive advice and guidance if he seems to need it (and I'm not getting through to him).

There is no need for you to finance any of these ridiculous expensive requests that your friend is hinting at. If you do finance any of these things you will be setting a standard that she won't go below. You may have your own children to prioritise someday also.

NO !

A Godparent does not finance the Godchild.

Christmas and Birthday presents are lovely, maybe an Easter egg too ?

All of this is scrounging :

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

And more than half of that the child is unaware of - a 3 year old boy doesn't know / understand about money, and is totally unaware where Hawaii is in the world.

Is it the Church of England that the child will ( eventually ) be Christened into ? Why hasn't it happened yet ?

So maybe you could take him to Church some Sunday mornings - see how the mother reacts to that suggestion !!!

I think and this is only my gut reaction to what you have written, and it's really cruel to write it but - she is using you for your money.

I would ' call her bluff ' and start buying the child Christian books, I have just had a Google and there are plenty of lovely books ( apart from a Bible ) that would be suitable for a 3 / 4 years to be read at bedtime.

Easter is in a couple of months, and I am sure you will find a lovely Easter book he could have ( even instead of an Easter egg :)

and on this theme ... you could all go to church on Easter Sunday.

Google even tells me there are Christian toys that could be bought, but he is probably too old for a Noak's Ark now :)

So, as plenty of replies have said a Godparent's role is not financial, it's more a religious role, certainly a spiritual one/good person one

I think she may see you as a soft touch and that once you are a linked to the child as a godparent she will use that as a legitimate excuse to ask you to contribute to or buy material things she feels are necessary for her child.
Are you a regular churchgoer? If not that would be the perfect excuse for you to tell her that after giving the matter some thought you’ve decided that whilst you are honoured to have been asked you’ve decided that you are not able to stand up in church and make promises that you won’t be able to keep.
Her reaction to this will tell you all you need to know, but someone who is having their child christened for the right reasons will understand and be happy for the friendship to continue as before.
You sound a really kind friend but don’t let yourself become a mug.

At the next financial hint..say you will pray for them..

The official role of a godparent is to ensure the child continues to be raised in the faith should something happen their parents. It’s really a symbolic role now. So tell
your friend that you’ve started questioning your faith a lot and you don’t think you are the best person for this important role in child’s life

Hi OP, as others have said, the role of a god parent is definitely about spiritual and moral guidance and absolutely not about providing for or contributing to their lifestyle, education etc! Except for a reasonable and proportionate birthday and Christmas present!

It's lovely and generous that you're happy to pay for days out etc - very kind! But I'd just try a few free days out and see how that goes down...might give you a little insight as to how genuine this friendship is.

I would counter every comment with - have you gone full-time at work yet to start saving for his ridiculous far-fetched expectations, or are you going to explain that he can only have what his Mum earns and his biological dad contributes,
ditto - have you asked his father to take him to Florida then?

or in reality, say you will not be the godmother!

I would stop funding every trip out. Arrange a free trip out and take a picnic - everyone to take their own food!! Just buy him an ice cr