Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

Nope! My godson lives a couple of hours away. I always went to birthday parties when he was little. Gifts on birthday and Christmas. Went to his first holy communion and his confirmation. Other than that, he's no different from his 2 brothers or my other friends' kids.

She’s not your friend op , she just sees you as a cash cow

sack her off

you deserve better

I lost touch with my godchild when I realised the mum was being a right CF. She still owes me money.

I take an equally dim view of siblings muttering about "rich auntie" to their DC.

Keep your money for when you will need it. The only old people I know who have care sorted are the childless ones.

"A godparent is supposed to pray for the child, not pay for them."

"......and confused godparent with fairy godmother....."

Love these comments 😀

I really really wouldn't like a grabby friend like that.

It doesn't matter!

His mother is trying to con you!

If you don't believe us go and have a chat with a vicar about a godparent's ACUTAL role.

And then run!

She's being a cheeky fucker. In no universe does a nearly 4yo complain that his single mother isn't taking him to Hawaii, or getting him a bigger house, or asking why they're poor.
At that age, my two would be absolutely BUZZED to choose "anything you want" from bloody Poundland!
Your "friend" is talking out of her arse.

I have two god-children. 7yo twins. I put a fiver a week into a savings account. That pays for their birthday and christmas presents. And when they're 21 I plan to split whatever is in the account between the two of them as a gift. They can do what they want with it.

3 year olds can be aware of money. They know if they have money they can buy things. When DS was that age, I got him to save up for a toy he really wanted that I didn't want to buy him. We did a chart and he did a great job saving but he was very heavily guided.

Kids can have ideas about going on holidays. When DS was that age he saw adverts for Legoland/Disneyland on tv and wanted to go there. It's possible that your friend's son has watched Lilo and Stitch/Ladybug and said he'd like to go to Hawaii/Paris. But with my DS when he was 3, one day I said I was taking him on a surprise outing. He got excited and thought we might be going to Legoland/Disneyland. We went to a nearby motorway service station with a small play area. He said it was the best day out ever and 8 years on, it's still one of his favourite places to visit.

As for his house it would be extremely unlikely for a child that age to not like his house. Kids tend to love home, because it's home and can't truly imagine not living there. It's possible that he visited a house with a trampoline in the garden or a really fun bunk bed with a slide, or something and asked for one for his own house. And when his mum said their house was too small, he might ask if they could move to a bigger house. But at 3, that kind of comment is very easily managed as it's just an innocent comment from a kid who doesn't understand the world.

I think I would resign.

She needs a fairy godmother, not a godmother.

No OP, this isn’t normal. Do not get roped in to replace this child’s father!

Definitely not. A present for birthdays and Christmas, another when the child is confirmed and perhaps a generous financial gift when they get married. That is the limit to any monetary support. A Godparent is supposed to help the parents bring up the child in the Christian faith. Lessons about not getting everything you want is a good place to start.

She sounds like a massive grifter. I'd steer well clear.

I think it's nice to put some small amount of money away for them weekly for when they are 18/21 as a godparent. Might help them buy a car or go travelling.

Birthday/Christmas and the occasional gift or outing.

My DD14 wasn't aware of money or holiday destinations until she was about 7.

I'm a lone parent but also considered to be the "rich aunt" I'm not really I just have a very good career.

I help my sister and her kids out with things but it's never expected. Meals out, pay for a carpet etc but your friend sounds like a CF.

I think she is being a CF.

Never heard of this before. Birthday cards, presents, perhaps being present at events such as first communion, nothing else.

Traditionally, a Godparent is meant to provide SPIRITUAL guidance & 'support'.
Nothing materialistic at all. Modern Godparenting is less formal & so
Many do buy a Christening gift (a Bible or a St Christopher / silver bangle etc)
Many buy a modest Birthday & Christmas gift.
Some will take the child out for the day each year.

Your so-called-friend is having a laugh.
For context my Ds' Godmother is very well off. I am a single parent & brassic.
She sends my Ds £20 twice a year in a card but MUCH MORE importantly she has been there to chat through things at times & support him that way. Invaluable.

Your frie

@pureshoresss What's your attachment to this woman? Say you are moving abroad so you can no longer be a Godparent to the kid. Just cancel this gig.

She just wants you to fund her life.

Her 3 year old isn't asking to go to private school, or Hawaii or Florida. This is 100% his mum who saw you come into some money and wants some of it for herself so she doesn't have to spend her own money.

I'd decline the godparent role. Godparents are not there to fund a child's upbringing. What she is asking for is an entirely different matter and you need to be firm about rejecting her backhanded requests to fund her life.

No 3 year old says that they want to go to Hawaii or Florida,private school or want to live in a big house like their friends 🤦🏼‍♀️,they don't have the mental capacity or awareness!
She's got pound signs in her eyes when she looks at you OP and sees you as a potential cash cow.Id be distancing myself from her if I were you as she sounds like a right CF!.It sounds like she's chosen the godparents on who's financially better off and not because she genuinely wants those people.
How conniving...

It’s great that you really like the child!

Do you feel able to spend time with him alone? Maybe take him to the park and give the mum a break - and you a break from hearing her woes?!

That may well be what many people think, but godparents should think carefully about the vows they are taking. I have no godparents as my DM knew that none of their friends were churchgoers. I only picked committed Christians for our DC godparents.

Nope.
Tenner at Christmas and for birthdays
£50 for 18th; £100 for 21st.
We are unusual I think because we have five between us and the parents are still close friends. DS's godparents came to his wedding.

No!

It happens that I asked a particular couple to be DS’s godparents and they are quite well off. I asked them because they are my friends and it happens that one of them is the same religion as me.

But I would never have thought in a million years to ask them to give me money or help me out! They are my friends not an ATM.

They are better off partly because they don’t have children to be honest! 😂

This is barmy. I actually feel a bit worried reading this that my kids godparents may have felt pressurised when I asked them. I didn’t even think of them buying my kids things. Dd1’s godparent always sends a tenner or some books at Christmas and birthday and dd2’s godmother similar. I think that is more than generous!

No in my experience a child doesn't say those things. They might ask a question like 'why does x have house with two living rooms' or 'why does x have his own bedroom' (if they share). But generally just accept an answer (because they have more money to buy a bigger house). They are far more interested in what toys the other child has and other things that are different to their own house (eg if their friend has something that changes colour which they've never seen before, or a bunk bed, that can be fascinating when you're 3/4).

A child that age will not ask to go to hawaii or florida as they won't have any concept of what it means. They would be just as excited about going to a caravan in the UK at that age (genuinely). Or they might say it but not understand it (my child said they wanted to go to somewhere like Venezuela or Cameroon at that age...because they were given those countries at a football sweepstake. They then said Poland because one of their friends was going there. They then said the moon after they did a space topic). I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford holidays for my kids and when you ask them what they like best it's always something like 'bunk beds', 'the ice cream shop' or spending time with family that they don't see often

So you are right to question it as your friend is massively exaggerating and trying to guilt you into thinking her son feels like he is missing out. He isn't. A 4 year old may comment on those things (eg can say him saying he wants a toy car if his friends have one) but can be easily persuaded out of stuff as well (we don't have anywhere to keep the car or use the car as it needs so much space. Why don't we look at a new scooter for your birthday and we can use that anywhere).

Also why is she mentioning school fees (that she had had her heart set on) - was that ever even a remote possibility? For most people on a low or medium or even a single parent on a reasonably high income, private school wouldn't even cross their mind (other than if household income is below a threshold she may be able to apply for a bursary if he is bright)

I know this may be culturally normal for you but I'd hazard a guess that the cultural norms go both ways (respect, looking after your elders etc) and I fear you won't get that two way relationship with her. It is not respectful to exaggerate to the point of lying about what her son needs / really wants, to try and get things out of you that she wants, but doesn't need (she might be desperate for a break but most families can't afford to take their kids to Florida). I think someone who respected you wouldn't lie or exaggerate and wouldn't pressure you. They would also do things for you when they were able

What are you going to do about it OP? I would definitely rein in the meet ups where you pay for everything for a start, it might be a cultural norm for you but remember it isn't for her and she is now expecting this to extend to ridiculous areas of her life

Where is the son's father? Maybe when she makes these comments suggest perhaps the father needs to up his maintenance as it's the parents responsibility to provide for their children.