Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

@mathanxiety it might not be about status but they can still desire more.

Base level X has toys.
Y's mum says no you can't have that we don't have space
Y then decides they wish they had more space = bigger home.

It's not rocket science. Doesn't change the fact the mum is a CF, but don't assume all kids are at the same level of thought. I fully recognise there are 3 year olds uninterested in anything other than there own small world but not everyone is the same.

If this is what she's like just now it'll get worse & worse once you're Godmother. I'd be questioning the reason she's having a christening now, it's a very unusual age. Is it for the right reason or to try & use more emotional blackmail.

If I was you, I'd thank her & decline. I think if you take the role you'll live to regret it

The rule of a godparent is spiritual not ATM one. Your friend is confused

Yup. All this. Love the “ perhaps I can guide him onto a less materialistic path” suggestion.

Next time she drops a heavy hint you could say

"I need to stop you there. All these hints about paying for DC's up-bringing have got to stop. A god parent helps the parents with the moral & religious upbringing of a child only, not the day to day responsibilities. I'm happy to pay for the occasional day out and of course for birthday and Christmas presents. If you can't stop these hints, I'll have to step back from agreeing to be a godparent altogether"

To be honest if a date for the Christening isn't fix within a year of you being asked to stand godparent, I would step back. She's a CF and that's all there is to it

To be honest if a date for the Christening isn't fix within a year of you being asked to stand godparent, I would step back.

This. Actually, I would step back anyway. Just drop her a line with a copy of the latest Sunday Times Rich List and wish her well.

Most godparents don't. I didn't pay upkeep through childhood, but did pay his university accommodation fees, so he went into adult life in less debt.

Thank you for all your responses! I have just read the entire thread. I can see there are varying degrees of what people think being a godparent entails. Some see it as entirely religious, some as 'guidance', some as 'trusted friend/advisor' etc... I suppose it all depends on the parents and how religious they are too.

I was raised Christian (even though I am of Indian origin). I am also aware of Hindu teachings as my father was Hindu, but more in a spiritual sense. How I apply that to my everyday life is in mantras, living peacefully, morning meditation. I don't 'celebrate' Diwali, but I do gift my neighbours chocolates and candles. (The message of Diwali is good triumphing over evil and the festival of lights). Indians gift things like gold, jewellery, clothing, food etc... So the dialled down English equivalent is I've found is sweets/chocolates and candles etc...

I, of course, celebrate Christmas and Easter on a much more prominent scale - as many do.

Unfortunately... yes... the quotes such as "DS has been asking for a bigger house" and "I found this place.... but I can't afford it... I can't provide for him" etc... are all very true/verbatim. "If I had your life, I could set up a nice life for me and DS...." I am confident it's not just a friend having a 'moan' for specific reasons, but the constant comparisons between our lives implies me to be drowning in money - and her to be 'poor'. I am absolutely not drowning in money - and rest assured, she is not poor. I suspect her viewpoint is that she is 'poor' relative to her salary before she became a parent. This is true, as she can no longer do everything she wants/when she wants...

I do agree with the posters saying it's not coming from the child himself, but more from the mother. I also think a child making a comment about wanting more toys, going on holiday, wanting a bigger house etc... can be entirely innocent, but not to be taken overly seriously - but I suspect the mother has been hamming it up. Big time. It is always made out to be in the DS's best interests when that is not necessarily the case.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for your child - and I of course, understand that there might be a lot of guilt that comes with being unable to provide everything for your child, but we all want for things sometimes - and we can't always get everything we want, when we want. My issue is that it's causing a rift in the friendship - and making me doubt the things she says. Does the child really want for all these things?

For the people asking about the other godparent. He lives in France and my guess is he makes roughly £2m a year from his salary alone, plus his family are very well off too. Also, he has no children either. He is gay and has a long term partner, but the (as far as I know) will not be adopting etc...

In reply to your post just now, children may want more toys - of course they do, they are children ! but that is not YOUR responsibility.
And he is NOT your child !

It sounds like your cheeky fucker friend picked you as a soft touch who she can cadge money off. Don’t be exploited by her! She sounds like a complete user. Of course you should not be coerced or guilted into providing a big ticket items like a bigger house, private schooling and exotic holidays for your godchild! That’s crazy.

A Christmas present and a birthday present (a toy, not a trip to Hawaii) are normal outlay for godparents. Since as I understand that no ceremony has taken place, I’d ‘resign’ from the role in advance and let your CF friend get some other sucker to bankroll her child”s lifestyle. I’d say something like ‘On reflection, you feel your idea of a godparent and hers are too different to be compatible, so you’d rather she get someone else.’

p.s. I would like to know the mother's reaction if you did suggest taking the boy to Church one Sunday.

I don't think she actually wants a Godparent but a benefactor for her child.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I think she wants a benefactor too - or a substitute 'father'. Not in terms of a relationship, of course, but in terms of financial support.

The little boy is very sweet - and I hope he's not thinking he's worse off than others etc... but materialistic parents tend to pass those vibes onto their children.

Her idea of 'suffering' is being unable to afford daily juices from Joe & The Juice. I say this not to be mean or horrible, but to give perspective. Many people don't go to Joe & The Juice daily - as it's £8.90 a day (and that's for one juice). So I think in her head, someone with a lot more money wouldn't miss/notice that £8.90 a day nor would it make a difference to their life, so they should feel inclined to support her.

The really tragic thing about this is she clearly has a fairly good standard of living and yet is wishing it away by always wanting more. Instead of being grateful for what she has, she is trying to bleed you dry and in the process is pushing you away. How fucking stupid can you be? You'd be entirely justified in pulling her up sharp and saying this is not okay. When I was 3 years old, we got our first council house. We had no furniture, but it was great because for the first time in my life we had permanent housing. I remember moving there. That's the difference between need and want. She needs to pay her way and stop being such a grabby fucking bitch, frankly.

@SavageTomato I think she comparing her life now - to what it was like pre-having a child. So of course, without a child you're going to have more free time and more money and the freedom to live in a certain way etc... I get that. I suppose can also justify her current state as a result of the father not paying child support - and when he does, it is minimal and sporadic. Obviously, the father should be paying. A child is the responsibility of both the mother and the father.

I suspect she doesn't see it as 'bleeding anyone dry'. I know this because she often refers to how '£x' would make such a difference to her and not to me/the other godparent, her other friends - and so on. Well, it the not a drop in the ocean and it would indeed impact my life. There is not such a discrepancy as if I am Bill Gates or someone. Hahaha! Far far from it!! Also, in the case of the other godparent, it is largely family money where the true wealth is, so it's not like he's got this money sitting in the bank with nothing to do with it.

I think she is hellbent on things like the 'big house' because she says it's not nice for a child to have to keep moving often. They have moved once since the child was born and that was because the landlord was selling up. Of course, to own your own home is much preferred. I just feel like I am expected to say: "Oh no! Poor DS! Here's a cheque for £x!" The amount of times I am feeling like I'm expected to say such a thing is now on an almost daily basis.

Basically, I just wish it wasn't such an incessant topic as it is creating a really awkward atmosphere. If I offer her help in terms of practical solutions, she always has an answer that disputes what I'm saying. If I change the subject, I feel like a bad person/friend/godparent. If I offer encouragement, she backs off a bit - only to start up again soon afterwards.

All this leads me to think she is just expecting me to write a cheque and all her problems will be solved.

Have you tried saying ‘gosh it sounds like you’re expecting me to pay and I can’t possibly do that! ‘ and see her reaction? I think you need to be quite blunt - she is!

@Thankyouforthemusic My suspicion is if I 'call her out', I'm going to be met with a lot of anger and somehow she will be the 'victim'. Also, it'd likely mean the friendship would be over. But if that's the way it'll end up, so be it - as this is happening almost daily now. It's just such a shame. In some ways, I'd rather she just ask outright - which would give me a chance to truly answer - and stop this pleading poverty and claiming her DS wants all these things. Again, it's more than understandable to want for more from your life - and more for your child, but this isn't the way to do it.

I wouldn't call her out on it. I just wouldn't comment at all. She is hinting but not asking you outright. So you can play dumb and pretend you're not picking up on the hints. A new (small) toy occasionally is ok. Nothing big though. If she asks you outright for cash just tell her you don't have it. She may suspect your financial situation but she's not going to know for definite. You may have inherited and then blown it all on the horses for all shr knows.
Don't get dragged into her mess. Sounds like she's not doing too badly for herself. Her boy will be fine. He doesn't need a bigger house and big sit on cars. She's not struggling massively. She just wants more than she has. That's fine, but you don't need to be the one who provides it.

Hang on, I missed that the child hasn’t actually been baptised, so OP is not even a godparent yet?! She is a ‘godparent designate’ at best.

I am not sure I would accept the request tbh, OP.

Op I think I'd start asking questions about when is the mother going to take LO to church?
And bring up the GP role is about religious guidance and support.

I don't think the friendship is going to survive the fallout from her constantly asking for money or making heavy hints.

But I think it's time to call her out on it. Make sure you buy something religious- like a book of children's bible stories for the up and coming birthday or Easter.

I agree. I don't think the friendship will survive the heavy hints (almost daily). She has not asked outright for money, but I almost wish she would so I could shut this down. Even if it does survive, it's more about having some boundaries - which I fully accept is on me.

I don't even think the godparent role is the aim here. I think it's secondary to her, but as I'm a church-goer, maybe I was a good fit.

I think it's about having a benefactor for her DS first and foremost. (Certainly since my parents passed and the Co went public). Lots of people had their hands out in the years following my parents' passing and she knew about this at the time as I told her it was so disheartening. I imagine that's why she's not directly asked, but hinted.

All of this is why I asked in my OP if GPs were expected to give/offer financial support. As some posters have said, yes and no.

Yes - in that some give money in cards/for birthday/in ISAs and help out here and there. But nothing on the scale of holidays abroad and homes etc...

No - in that some people think Christmas/Birthday gifts and cards suffice. Which is obviously generous and thoughtful. To clarify, I do send gifts at Christmas and Birthdays - and then some as well as paid/pay for days out.

But more than the 'material' - and above all else; it's about guidance and support and religious/moral values. I fully respect that. Obviously.

Bottom line... I think even declining the GP role, it wouldn't make a difference to her hints.

P.S. I finally learned what 'CF' means on here. I am so late to the MM lingo!

MN* not MM.

I would turn down her request. It will be a difficult conversation to have but it needs to be said.
Tell her that after careful thought you come to realise you can’t provide the level of support she is expecting. It isn’t your responsibility to provide houses, holidays, private education or expensive toys. This is the parents responsibility. Not the Godparents.
Id suggest she applies to CMS for child maintenance from the boys real father on a more formal arrangement. He should be supporting his child, the pair of them are failing this child.