Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

Clearly the godson wants a new and bigger house. It seems the least you could is to sell up and give them the money to help out.

I wouldn't want to meet up with anyone who hinted like that and was just after my money. You deserve so much more with friends. You sound really lovely and kind but she is taking advantage to a massive extent and what's more, she would have every last penny off you for herself.

I knew someone like your friend, let's call her Daisy. Daisy had a friend who suddenly came into money, let's call her Judy. Suddenly Daisy was Judy's best friend and naturally she asked Judy to be Godmother to her PFB.

Thereafter Judy faced a constant barrage of comments about the PFB needing this and that, there were constant shopping expeditions suggested by Daisy which always ended up with Judy buying something for her Goddaughter and paying for meals/drinks out.

Eventually Judy's winnings ran out and she had given up her job so the money tree was completely bare. Daisy dropped Judy faster than a used tissue. Judy moved away and tried to stay in touch with Daisy and the PFB, but she was no longer of any use to Daisy, so she killed that relationship stone dead and didn't give a shit about her PFB having no relationship with her Godmother.

Proceed with caution Op and don't get used. Birthday and Christmas presents, Easter eggs, occasional days out to the Zoo or seaside with ice creams is normal, buying houses and holidays to Hawaii is most definitely not.

She wants a Sugar Momma not a Godmother for her kid.

Oh yeah a three year old discussing a trip to Hawaii and moaning it’s too much 🤣🤣🤣🤣 pull the other one love…..! Don’t pander to it, laugh it off ‘oh does he?’ And change the subject

Nope, not normal at all. And yes, a 4 year old might ask for a ride in car. Then the parent says no and they forget about it. Same with a holiday in Hawaii. Because you're right, they don't really care about those things at 4. Got to admire your friend for trying though, but she doesn't sound like much of a "friend".

I'd join in with her chat in an innocently sympathetic way— 'Isn't it terrible how our world revolves around what money can buy, hopefully in my role as godparent I can guide wee godchild onto a less materialistic path.' See how she likes that!

Then I'd distance myself. If the ceremony hasn't happened yet, just pull out. Explain that, on reflection, the honour of being godparent is not for you.

I grew up poor, 2 adults and 5 kids in a 3 bedroom house with 1 parent working 12-15hour days and the other working weekends. We shared bedrooms, baths, clothes and food. We celebrated Christmas but not birthdays because we were dirt poor. BUT I didn’t know we were until I started secondary school and it wasn’t until adulthood that I realised just how poor we were.

What I’m saying is, your friend is full of shit when she says that her 3 year old wants to know why they’re poor, wants to go to Hawaii and needs a big house. Children especially ones so young have no concept of those things. She sounds quite manipulative.

@pureshoresss

I picture her convo with her son and then you as follows (if there even is one):

Her; Oh 'Johnny', wouldn't you like us to have a big house with a huge garden to play in?
Johhny: Uh-huh *

Her: Oh Johnny', wouldn't you like a 'ride along' car?
Johnny: Uh huh *

Her (to you): Johnny says he wants <insert item> but I can't afford it.

*A child at 3 doesn't truly understand these question but 'gets' Mummy's tone of voice and 'intuits' the correct answer. Although he may get the 'ride along car' one lol.

If you want to keep her as a friend you have two choices 1-learn to ignore her and get to a mental place where it floats right over your head or 2-confront her and say "My role as a Godparent is to look to 'Johnny's' spiritual welfare and that is what I will do. My role is not to be funding such expensive things as houses, private school, and very expensive toys. If you think I have that much money, you are very much mistaken".

Just out of curiosity, is the French godparent doing well financially?

No they shouldn’t be expected to pay out part of the child’s upbringing particularly for parents that have enough for a normal comfortable lifestyle which it sounds like your friend can.

I find it distasteful how many relatives have asked my single sister to be godmother and have made much more effort to see her once they had children when they didn’t before. I suspect they are positioning their children for a share of the will, it won’t be as much as any of them think as it will be a shared with all the other godchildren

Will she be expecting you to pay for the reception after the service?

I'm a godparent and buy my godson presents for birthday and Christmas (I give money now he's a teen) but that's it as far as money is concerned.

I'd do anything I was asked for him but I've never been asked for anything other than to be there for him if needed.

If the child isn't aware of his mother's feelings about the family finances he will be over time if his mum is always talking about money.

If you want to stay friends with this person I would get some "wise" phrases ready - that don't suggest you are likely to start funding a house.

E.g. mum says "little Tommy wants a bigger house like his friends" you could reply "well it's an important life lesson that there will always be people with more than you in life and not to compare - comparison is the thief of joy".

If she says she would like him to go to private school you could say "did you know private school costs 200k over a child's schooling" (made up figure I have no idea) "there are plenty of parents that can't afford that - I'm sure he will do just fine at his local school)".

If she is hinting smaller material things llke a ride on electric car. You could say "if you really think that's what he wants set aside £5 each week and you will be able to get him one next Christmas - but do you have fomewhere to store it/where could he safely ride it?"

You could try "count his blessings" and even resort to sayings about "camel's" and "eye's of needles".

Basically have a solution for everything - act like it doesn't even occur to you that she is after you to pay.

Decide some boundaries if she or in years to come the child (as he will learn from the mother) asks you for things outright. E.g. if you are asked for an expensive present you could say "I budget £20 for Tommy's Christmas and birthdays but I can give you that towards it if you want to save the rest".

Good luck. This friendship sounds hard work dnd it is likely the child will learn this behaviour from the mother over the years if it doesn't stop. I think your important role as a godparent will be to try to stop this child becoming as materialistic and grabby as his mum. To teach him to be happy and not jealous.

Godparents are traditionally meant to help the child be a good Christian. We have refused to be godparents because we are not believers - my husband and I thought it would be hypocritical. It is not designed to be a source of income, probably just birthday and Christmas gifts. Your friend is a chancer.

This. And if you’re a really, really wonderful godmother, having them overnight once in a blue moon.

God no! Was my first response upon reading your title.

You aren’t obligated at all. Nice Xmas and birthday presents, odd day out or treat here and there like you might do for a niece or nephew (but slightly less). Some might like to leave a gift for their god child if they die and there are no descendants. Or they might like to give bigger gifts at key birthdays. But this is not mandatory or expected really.

You shouldn’t have to pay for any day to day living costs or holidays, housing, anything like that. It is none of your business to be doing so.

To answer your other question, yes four year olds are aware of what others have and do make financial demands. Particularly if they are around children from affluent backgrounds who can be obnoxious.

I was in a car with a 4yo who as we passed some council housing exclaimed, “Oh look, it’s the poor peoples houses!”

Also had DC arrive home crying in nursery because some child had quizzed re what our house at the time had and had then declared it to be rubbish.

Then all the reception kids had iPads, Nintendo switches, were going on holiday to X location every school break.

They are very aware even at a young age as to where they are in the pecking order sadly.

No. I didn't see my godfather after my christening when I was 6 weeks old. I am in sporadic touch with my godmother who occasionally got me a birthday present when I was a child but not often as she was not at all well off.

I don't have godparents for my children.

Your friend is being cheeky AF.

This person is not your friend. She’s using you. It would be simpler to decline the Godparent role and cool things right down with her.

Does she ever ask about you, how you’re doing? How you are? You deserve better, OP!

This person isn’t your friend.

Get rid.

Nope. You don’t have to pay for anything.

God parents are mainly there for the non financial reasons (leading them in the right way, etc etc).

Godparents buy gifts at their own will. Babysit at their own will.

That’s bang on. It was originally to be in charge of their spiritual development especially if something happened to the parents. The parents wanted to know that side of things was taken care of. In terms of actual gifts, often a little silver item ( mug, baby bracelet) at the Christening, a Children’s bible once old enough and then a proper bible later on was about all that was expected in terms of financial outlay. As society got more secular, the “ embarrassment”, I suppose, over a role that required nothing spiritual came to replace that aspect with gifts at birthdays etc, but lots don’t especially if they live far away. A house? A holiday? She’s seriously out of her mind! And if she does expect it, I think it’s reasonable to assume she picked you just to milk you. I’d fastidiously give a nice well chosen gift for birthday snd Christmas and take an interest in the child and don’t get drawn into anything more. Once you start, I sense it won’t stop. The grab force is strong in this one!

Maybe give him a Bible. She might wonder why and it may cause her to research the role she asked you to take on and see what it properly involves!

Hahaha, if it is, it is about time that my children's godparents start to pay up. I would like a bigger house and private education for my children.

Kids that age notice differences but they do not assign status to the bigger house or the more expensive car.

They are completely wrapped up in their family relationships and toothed their home, be it ever so humble, is their place of security. It's where they have their own bed, their own little toys, their own familiar rooms, and furniture. It's the security that matters to them (though they don't know that and couldn't put it into words).

They can also recognise that Miss X in school or Dr X who they saw when they had an infection smell of perfume mummy never uses, wear high heels and jewelery and makeup and have neat hair, but they love their slightly overweight, slightly dishevelled, sweatpant-and-Tshirt-clad mummy with all their little hearts.

There is no way a small child would express a desire to have a bigger house. They live in the moment. They love what they have - they want what they see too, in a shop, but they are not materialistic and they do not thinknjn terms of status.

Toothed = to them