Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

No child that age would ask for all if those things?!! She's manipulating you, big time. I'd decline the god parent role, before she turns it up a notch. She'll think you owe her child something. Just say, no thanks.

No. Step back.

An ex-colleague of mine deliberately chose godparents who they believed had savings and multiple assets and no children. There was a fair amount of guilt-tripping going on “It’s godchild’s birthday. They want a new laptop but I can’t afford it” etc. Eventually all three godparents clicked that she was being grabby and all three distanced themselves from the friendship. Colleague was angry accusing them of neglecting their godparent responsibilities! Complete cheeky fucker.

No, absolutely not.

would question whether your friend is much of a friend to be honest!

My godchildren get slightly better gifts for
Birthday and Christmas

That's it though

If this type of talk upsets you, cut some of the ties
If you feel warmth to the child and are a Christian and want to mentor them ( I actually never have seen any god parent mentor religiously a god child) , then keep buying them Bible story books and small gifts

Well she’s got a good imagination, I’ll give her that.
No, 3 year olds do not compare their home, have no idea of if it’s worth, and might point at the TV when a Disneyworld ad is on and go ooooohhhh Mickey Mouse but they wouldn’t necessarily see it as a holiday destination it just ‘is’

Id be reducing contact.

Going solely on your opening post @pureshoresss, no, Godparents are not expected to pay for a child's upkeep or the many other things that you alluded to in your opening post.

If you decided to put a little bit of money away each month and on their 18th birthday presented it to the god-child but said nothing about it (just open a savings account and transfer money to it, doesn't have to be in the child's name but you'll know the purpose) but even that would be the exception and not the norm.

Have you tried countering the comments about going on holiday to Florida or wherever with "Goodness, yeah I'd love to go on a holiday to Florida/wherever and even more so it would have been magical when I was GC age but here we are and it hasn't done me any harm to learn that it's hard work and keeping my head down in school to get where I am" or something similar.

Crazy stuff that the mother is spouting there. You could always back out saying that you really don't feel comfortable being a God Parent for spiritual/religious reasons.

Do you have other friends? She's using you and you sound lovely.
Can you just take him out alone?

Please don't be taken for a mug. Plenty of people would love you as a friend 💐

Oh my word. This “friend” is no friend at all…she is out to fleece you for whatever she can get. If it were me I’d politely decline the invitation to be a godparent to this child, as this is only going to get worse once you’re entrenched.

Imo, a godparent (unless you’re very religious) is an honorary position. My godchildren had money every birthday and Christmas but that was it. It isn’t your responsibility to finance your godchild and that isn’t why you should be chosen.

I agree about backing out but I have a feeling you're a softy and wouldn't dream of it. Which she knows.

I would dump her. She sounds dreadful, a horrible whinger and moaner and after your finances.

Another thing - a 3 going on 4 yr old is not going to notice if Johnny from school/nursery has a mansion (and to a 3 or 4 yr old - a mansion might be a 4 bed s/d or a house that has an upstairs if he currently lives in a single storey house). This is 100% coming from the mother here.
The 3 going on 4 yr old won't know about cars or what is expensive or not. They really have no concept of money. You either have money or you don't and by that I mean if you go to the shops and Billy says "I want sweets/a toy" you reply with "I'm sorry Billy but I don't have money for sweets/a toy today". End of story. Kids just don't 'get' the value of money at age 3. They really don't.

I'd start to back away from this grabby mother. By all means be there for the kid but the mother gets nothing.

OP when she says these things, do you just go umm... and let it pass?

I think you need to be very definite in your reactions and always bat it back to her, put the responsibility on her. There have been good suggestions for that on here already.

That way you're making it clear that you will not be doing it, rather than letting her keep trying. She will either shut up, or it will force her into asking outright rather than hinting (which is when you say an absolute no), or she'll drop you like a sack of spuds. Of the three, the last would be the best outcome.

An alternative would be to tell her to stop hinting, you're not financing the DCs lifestyle (for which she would get the greater benefit, he's only 3). But I suspect that's not your style.

Shes like the friend version of a romance scammer in plain sight.

I was present at a conversation where a friend of mine was asked to be GodM to the baby of her DH's best friend (a mutual friend of my DH as well). She was thrilled.

Father of the baby rather spoiled it somewhat when the next sentence came out of his mouth as ; 'Yes, we are asking only the wives of our friends. Women are better at remembering to give gifts'.

He;s a total foot in mouth type anyway but even that level of crassness was something else.

(Incidentally he is godparent to my friend's older child and has apparently never given a gift of any sort..... )

OP I'd back out if possible.

😂 let her talk? Of course you’re not expected to pay for any of that. We were looking at entrusting some good friends to be our LOs godparents, but that’s more in the event of death… and they wouldn’t be expected to pay for her as we would ensure she was set for life, ie, life insurance to cover the financial aspect of raising her.

YANBU in the slightest. Is the mother a practising Christian?

No your not obligated to any of that stuff, maybe a Christmas and Birthday present that's it.

Being a godparent means absolutely nothing unless you practice religion and even then it doesn't have anything to do with money. It's about teaching and guiding the child about said religion.

My 4 year old wouldn't say anything like the examples above.

"I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?"
NO and NO
"Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?"
NO and NO
She comes across as grabby and I doubt she is a real friend...do yourself a favour and move on from this friendship or at least keep your distance. You shouldn't have to pay for days out etc. If she asks you again about being a Godparent just say that due to her exorbitant expectation you are not up to it and that she should look for someone else with very deep pockets! How ridiculous!

No.

What 3-year-old has even heard of Hawaii or Florida, let alone express a desire to go there on holiday?

It doesn't seem as if either you or your friend are aware of what a godparent's duties and responsibilities really are.

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

I just can't.