Should godparents pay for a child's upkeep?

[pureshoresss]

Will try and keep this brief for fear of not making sense!

I have been asked to be a Godmother by a friend of mine. I was delighted and honoured. The child isn't a baby, but 3 years old. (4 soon). I was asked when the boy was 2 years old. In fact, the other Godparent was asked around the same time too.

My friend is a single mother. The father pays child maintenance, but it is not enforced and therefore sporadic.

But almost every time we speak she says things like:

"Oh, DS would love a new toy car!" (One of those ones that a child can sit and 'drive').

"DS has been asking for a bigger house!"

"DS keeps asking why we are poor!" (They aren't).

"Looks like the private school I had my heart set on for DS isn't going to happen..."

"I can't afford holidays for DS! He wants to go to Hawaii and Florida!"

"I keep telling DS that we can't get a bigger house and it makes him sad! He said all his friends have nice houses!"

"If I were you, I'd sell the Co and buy a nice house outright or help family/friends.... that's what I would do!"

All of the things are only on a materialistic scale. Most conversations are about money/money struggles. Yes, I have offered ideas/help as well as take them out often etc...

I do not have children, but does a 4 year old really ask questions such as the above? Are they aware of money (as a concept) or 'circumstances'?

I don't want to see my friend suffer and whilst I am financially better off, I am not rolling in it! At all! Yes; single parents DO have it tough, I am of course, aware of that. I do not live a flashy lifestyle, I do not spend unnecessarily, but I suppose it is also a 'privilege' to not be in any debt or have any CC balances. If anything, a lot of my money went towards private hospice care for when my mother passed.

These request to be Godmother coincided with me coming into a fair amount of money, but also off the back of going IPO etc... The other Godparent is enormously wealthy. I am not. Company money is still company money and the other money will be going towards my home.

The (other Godparent) lives in France though and my friend and I reside in the UK.

AIBU to think this is odd and a bit awkward? I am a giving person by nature (and by culture too) and I feel like I am meant to offer to pay for the child's upkeep. To be clear, I do give gifts and pay for all outings etc... but I feel bad still. Are Godparents meant to cover the costs of child raising too? Or certainly offer?

Godparents tend to just buy a birthday/Christmas gift (if that) or maybe take them out for the occasional daytrip.

My husband's auntie (who is also his godmother) has about 8 godchildren.

She's pretty well off and always takes us out for a meal when we visit. When DH was a child, she'd always buy a gift for him at Christmas and birthdays - which his other aunts and uncles didn't (it's an enormous family so it'd be ridiculous if they did).

And with her godchildren who are still children, she'll take them to somewhere like Legoland for their birthday. But that's it (and still hugely generous).

Your friend is being utterly ridiculous.

No, not all all. Godparents, traditionally were there to influence their godchildren's moral and spiritual upbringing. Not their financial one!

Oh please, I'm sorry but your friend is taking the piss.
My 4 kids' godparents see them regularly and gift them for there bday and Christmas. Op you should feel no way about gifting or paying for things just because your friend can't afford it.

Personally the way I see godparents is If anything happens to myself or dh then they would step in. But we would make sure that there is money left behind to help worh the costs

To those saying the role of Godparent is purely symbolic ......it really isn't. Of my parents godchildren, one had a mother who was very unwell throughout her young childhood (it was my mother who often went to school plays, made costumes etc.) before dying. For various reasons my parents ultimately took responsibility and she lived with them for some years before using them as a base for university holidays / between jobs etc. A godson lost his (divorced) father whilst a teenager at school and my father provided a listening ear, advice and important memories.

Also adding to the fact that the chuld is only 3 I would expect him to understand anything about money as of yet. My son is 2 soon 2 b 3 in December and although he know what money looks like he doesn't know much

I was asked to be a Godparent to an old school friend’s first child many moons ago in my early 20’s. I politely declined saying I was not religious. I also asked my friend to explain what came with that responsibility. They didn’t really respond to that question. At the time, I also had a young DC, was studying at Uni, was working PT and was a single parent myself. 15 years later, we still message each other around Birthdays and Christmases but we haven’t seen each other since we were in our 20’s. I’ve suggested scheduling meet ups over the years, but she never seems to want to follow through. She went on to have 3 more DC as a single parent whilst her children’s Father was in and out of prison.

Several years ago, DH was also asked to be a Godparent by a friend he rarely sees, if ever. DH had never met their 3/4 yo child at that point. DH is also not religious, so politely declined. We were still invited to the Christening, so we attended. I’ll never forget the look on DH’s face when we arrived to the Church with our DC and his friend called him up front to sit with the other Godparents! DH is ocasionally still in contact with this friend (mainly about business as they met through work), but we’ve not seen this family since.

OP - your friend is trying to scam you. Next time your friend pleads poverty, in response ask her the questions some pp have suggested. And then distance yourself.

Pfft she's a CF and a chancer - I'd say, next time she mentions something improbable the child has asked for...

'Ohhh, I'll make sure to pray that God helps Little Johnny to get a good job to get his nice big house/car/round the world cruise..'

And just let that hang for a bit.

Definitely not the godparents role to support the child.
but speaking as a genuinely poor single parent, I do find money is at the centre of a lot of conversations I have, not on purpose, but it (or the lack of) is constantly on my mind, so naturally spills out in conversations, especially when my children want something and I cant provide to or I need something and haven’t got the money to get it. So it may not be that she’s slyly trying to get you to pay for things but rather it’s all she’s thinking about and as her friend she’s just offloading her thoughts to you.

You’ll need to nip this in the bud now - ‘Haha, young Barry’s got very big ideas for such a little kid. You’ll need to crack on with the job hunt if you want to keep him in the style to which he wants to become accustomed. Are you not concerned about him being so materialistic?’

Your friend is a gold digger, say no. Are you a practicing Christian? If not it could be a way out of commitment to the role of godparent !

This! I have godchildren that I take an extra interest in and buy Christmas and birthday presents for but I certainly don't support financially. I do pray for them regularly because I am a Christian and take the faith aspect of being a godparent very seriously. My DC have godparents chosen because they have a Christian faith too. I don't expect anything from them but do hope that they pray for my DC.
Your friend is a CF of the first order.

This. I'd get out of being a godmother to this child. I'd put some distance between you and your friend. She's not a friend.

Can you resign as a Godparent?? Because I think I would if I were in your shoes. Definitely if there hasn't been a Christening yet. And if your CF friend asks why I'd tell her exactly why. You are not her cash cow.

I have a very articulate and aware 4 yr old grandchild. When they got more presents from Santa than they had put on their letter they worried that maybe Santa had accidentally given them presents meant for other children! They would love a sit-in car but would only envy a friend's toys not their house (maybe the swing in the garden). They remember fondly where they have been on holiday but would only name destinations if they had been shown pictures with lovely water-parks or animals.

Don't let yourself be manipulated. Let her pay for lunch sometimes. Presents for the child's birthday and Christmas should be books (not school fees!). I think you should be upfront and ask how she sees a godparent's role. And if the constant talk about money makes you uncomfortable there's always the head tilt, little laugh "Goodness, you almost make it sound as if you expect me to buy you a house/pay for your holiday etc"

Err no. I feel sorry for you as I think she’s trying to take advantage of you. I’ve always lived in a different country and now a different city to my god child. I send Christmas , Birthday and Easter presents and speak to him on those days and make an effort to see him when I’m in his city . When he was younger I also babysat him on my visits and took him out . But that’s it.

It doesn’t sound a if the child is in poverty - he is fed, housed, loved, and there is a free school place waiting g for him.
your friend is thinking above her means - why does she have her eye on a private school if she cannot afford it???
if it is only the two of them, why do they need a bigger house???
a 3 year old is just as excited to go to Skegness as he is to go to Hawaii…
and for comparison… my children often say that a friends house is soooo much bigger than ours (and we live in a much bigger than average house…) - they never comment on the smaller houses/ flats that others live in. Kids are just not be aware of their privilege, and she will not do her son any favours by always playing to that.
she says she won’t be able to afford the private school? Ask her why she has her eye on it if she cannot afford it? Is she trying to get a scholarship?
She has her eye on a house she cannot afford? Oh, that is a shame, I also like to look on right move for dream houses…
do not give in and give her any money. Don’t be roped into buying massive presents. That is not the role of a good parent.

Can you resign as a Godparent??

😂 Oh, I love MN sometimes!

Edited to add ‘sometimes’

Certainly not. Keep it simple for birthdays and remember that Godparents are for the faith guidance of the children. They are not a walking piggy bank

My Godmother had no children of her own, and when she died she left me 1/3 of her estate including 1/3 of the money from the sale of her home.

Godparents, traditionally were there to influence their godchildren's moral and spiritual upbringing. Not their financial one!

True, and in OP's position I'd be tempted to have a bit of fun with this

For example by mentioning various church kids' groups and "wondering" if the CF takes the DC to them, offering some "moral guidance" books and so on

The response is likely to be instructive ...

No, God Parents buy a bible and that's it.

Are you sure they are a friend, what do you get out of it? They sound like money grabbing chancers trying to bankrupt you.

I'm curious to know why she hasn't dealt with the godparents/christening thing before. If you're going to do it (and I wouldn't, what with being a heathen), it seems quite late to start thinking about it when a child is almost 4. I assume she isn't a practising Christian.

Do you know who the third godparent is (and, more important, what is their net worth)?

Er, no! You do not have to pay for the child’s upbringing. That is not a thing. And if you change your Will to favour the child, I’d definitely be keeping a close eye on your friend because she might try to bump you off!

Gosh, your friends sounds very grabby!

The child is definitely not articulating those 'needs'. Could you turn it back on her a bit? E.g. "oh it sounds like you want to advance your career to afford these things, if it would help for me to look after X occasionally so you can study/go to interviews, we could look at our schedules and see what works for us both"

No defo not!!! My godparents, I never see anymore! One sends Xmas, birthday cards etc and the occasional text. Gave me bday and Xmas pressies as a kid but not anymore. She is massively hinting for you to give her a huge amount of money, do not do it as it will become expected.