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AIBU?

21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

539 replies

MacciesApplePie · 02/02/2024 21:48

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

487 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
44%
You are NOT being unreasonable
56%
Dontkillspiders · 04/02/2024 21:52

If she and he has family to help with sitting ect it should be fine. Not ideal as 21 is you ng and its unlikely she will be with him in 5yrs time but things work out.
Congrats to you being a grandmother!

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threatmatrix · 04/02/2024 21:56

Thank god for benefits 🙄

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Oldenoughtoknowbetteryoungatheart · 04/02/2024 21:58

My DD had an unplanned pregnancy at 18. She already lived with me. Her partner moved in with us and they both worked damn hard, saved hard and as soon as they had a deposit bought their own house (took them about two years to save enough and my daughter worked as a home carer for the elderly, going back to work when DG was six months old). I didn't have money to give them towards the deposit, but by living with me and only paying for a few bills (their phones, their cars and all baby expenses) they were able to save a lot more. They are fantastic parents and a decade and another baby later are still doing really well. Enjoy being a grandma, it's the absolute best!!!

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Icannoteven · 04/02/2024 22:00

It sounds like you need to take a bit of a step back. Your daughter is a full grown adult with her own business who is about to have a child of her own. You have done a good thing being emotionally supportive but please don’t do everything for her - she is 21 not an infant! She can find out about entitlements to benefits herself.

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Ifhappylittlebluebirdsfly222 · 04/02/2024 22:07

Just wanted to say I was pregnant at 22, it's really not the end of the world and I'm still with my son's father at the age of 30 with a 7 year old. I have loved being a young mum and I have faith that your daughter can make it work.

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Tbry24 · 04/02/2024 22:26

It’s up to your daughter and baby’s father to get things organised. They are not kids but adults she’s 21, I had my baby at a lot younger age. I still managed to house us, work, study, etc you don’t need to be involved at all.

Let them enjoy their lives, pregnancy and baby.

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DixonD · 04/02/2024 22:29

Hi, we rented my mum’s house from her some years ago now and my older sister received housing benefit for her portion of the rent. We had to provide a signed tenancy agreement to the local authority. There was no issue in getting the benefit payment, but of course it’s all part of UC now but I imagine similar rules still apply.

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Yalta · 05/02/2024 00:12

welliesandcashmere · Today 21:41

I am sorry to be so harsh here, but a reality check is needed. I had a child a 21 with my then boyfriend who was "very supportive". What is to stop him from up and leaving when things get tough. She will be left with probably no job, no money, little time. It's easy to DREAM BIG '(oh I will go back to uni or I will start my own business') - the reality is, she is 21 and up until this point, she has not had the responsibility of a tiny baby to look after and she has not finished uni or started a business, or got herself a decent job. The chances of her doing that when she does have such a massive responsibility are nil. She will be poor and miserable and so will her child. 
I wish my mother had said this to me when I was pregnant, rather than "trying to be supportive". It is completely irresponsible of you as a parent to see this situation through rose-tinted glasses. Please give her a reality check before it's too late


Why will she be poor and miserable

I know a lot of women who had their children as teen and early 20s and even the ones who became single parents are really happy and definitely not poor even if they began that way.

There is nothing in what op had written to say that the dd and bf haven’t already got their degree and were actually working in their chosen careers until they were made redundant.

It seems that people have latched on to the zero hours contract and Gardening work and dismissed the possibility of them having qualifications and careers already. I think it is to be congratulated that they have chosen to work at any job whilst they get back into jobs that reflect their chosen career path.

It doesn’t matter whether you are 21 , 31 or 41. You can think you are in a steady relationship and your spouse/partner decides to up and leave during or shortly after your pregnancy
Equally no job is ever safe.
If you want guarantees that you aren’t ever going to split from a partner or get made redundant before having a child then you would never do anything

Being poor can be because of circumstances but being miserable can be a choice.

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misssunshine4040 · 05/02/2024 01:02

welliesandcashmere · 04/02/2024 21:41

I am sorry to be so harsh here, but a reality check is needed. I had a child a 21 with my then boyfriend who was "very supportive". What is to stop him from up and leaving when things get tough. She will be left with probably no job, no money, little time. It's easy to DREAM BIG '(oh I will go back to uni or I will start my own business') - the reality is, she is 21 and up until this point, she has not had the responsibility of a tiny baby to look after and she has not finished uni or started a business, or got herself a decent job. The chances of her doing that when she does have such a massive responsibility are nil. She will be poor and miserable and so will her child.
I wish my mother had said this to me when I was pregnant, rather than "trying to be supportive". It is completely irresponsible of you as a parent to see this situation through rose-tinted glasses. Please give her a reality check before it's too late.

The chances are not nil!! There is a massive amount of support for single parents to study at uni. Childcare is paid etc.
Having a child young is a massive driver to "make something of yourself " so you can provide for your child.
Stop projecting and calling a mother irresponsible for supporting her adult daughter.
The things you mention can happen at any stage of life and some people will never achieve a career or anything materialistic.

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Orangeandgold · 05/02/2024 01:27

@candyisdandybutliquorisquicker good for you. I’m very glad you’ve made your dreams come true. I hope your children are happy too.

I must be surrounded by young mums that are successful both with their careers and raising their children. It’s really not the end of the world. It sounds like you only know teen parents that have failed - that’s a shame.

Just accept that there are some people that make it and some people that don’t.

None of this answers OPs question - thank you for shining a light on your achievements.

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Ineke · 05/02/2024 02:21

It’s not going to be easy but it’s quite possible to get out of the benefit trap even with a young baby. If she has ambition to improve her and her child’s prospects it is possible to retrain and get some qualifications which will lead to a better job or even a career. And I agree with keeping the flat in her name only, she needs that security.

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Fabulousdahlink · 05/02/2024 05:24

Yes. This.
Also offer your support and advice in a positive and maternal way. " wow. Congratulations. I'm here for you. Let me know if theres any advice or support I can offer " Stand back. Their decision, their responsibility. Let them come to you.

Dont get involved in letting the flat to them, they must make the approach and pay the full amount. They must organise their finances. They must move together save together and raise the child together. They should as now future parents begin a plan for themselves and your grandchild. Plenty couples start parenthood this way, by accident and do just fine. If they are happy, the relationship is happy and stable, let them get on with it. It is NOT YOUR JOB. Your job is to offer advice and support when asked. Honestly. That in respect to the flat, they will have already thought about and perhaps presumed that this will be theirs. Do not offer.They do not appear to be stable tenant material. Ditto offers of free childcare. Be happy for them. Be excited to be a grandparent, but this is their journey to travel, their path to tread. Back off. Let them breathe, let them live it their way and be there for support when asked, that is your role now.

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Mermaidsarereal · 06/02/2024 10:47

They will get HMRC child benefit each month which is around £90 but they may also be entitled to Universal Credits, I remember going on a tax credit calculator online (this was many moons ago as my child is now 12) and having to complete a form. Depending upon how much they earn between them, I think they'll get topped up to a certain amount. I was claiming as a single parent and was working 16 hours a week and they topped my amount up to £1200 but as I say this was a long time ago.

Also, just a bit of advice from a girl who was in your daughters position (I had my DD at age 22) she will be absolutely petrified no matter how much she says she's ready to be a mum, please support her as much as you can (I don't mean financially). Without my mum, I couldn't have got through the first few years especially as I was left to be a single parent before my daughter even turned 1. I went from buying a 4 bedroom house to moving back home with my mum in the space of a year. They are both very young and a baby changes everything massively, so be prepared for issues between them.

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Samlewis96 · 06/02/2024 11:01

thunder234 · 03/02/2024 11:34

What is more - if you are made redundant you receive a payout from the employer. This is mean to help you to find a new job not benefits!

Only if you have been there for than 2 years. My OH was recently made redundant from. Job he had been there 22 months and didn't get a penny

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