21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

I later found out from my parents that it's their business that owns the house, I then asked and they said it be okay. I did add this but not sure if you saw it

We definitely wouldn't be living in the same house. I later found out that its their business that owns the house and I then asked and they said that would be okay

'She’s on a zero hours contract, so presumably no sick pay or maternity pay. He’s self employed in a job which is pretty seasonal and rarely generates much money. Perfect jobs for 21 year olds with no responsibilities. Not so great for parents.'

Actually I think it sounds like they'll be able to work it well. When mum goes back to work she can do evenings/weekends and shift swap with dad, saving on childcare. Being self employed can be massively advantageous when it comes to school pick ups and so on. And of course they have a supportive grandmother who will help with childcare too I'm sure. They couldn't be in a better position to go back to work, and they're young and healthy and full of beans. They won't be loaded no but they'll be ok.

And of course mum is the ideal age biologically speaking to have a baby so she'll be costing the NHS much less with a low risk straightforward pregnancy than she would if she waited until she's 35+ like quite a lot of MNers do.

. I was 20 when I had my first and my mum was very supportive. However I lived with her, worked part time but took mat leave for a year and shared childcare responsibilities between the dad and mum. Again I would ensure you have an open conversation about schedules. I know many grandmas that are there for the first few months anyway and she is very lucky to have your support.

Not every woman who gets pregnant has a non-working mum/dad to help bring up a baby.

My friends who had professional jobs were all working in their 50s (and most carried on till their 60s.)

It's also a HUGE ask for a gran to bring up a baby even part time, when they are probably in their 50s.

And if they didn't come to the same conclusion, then what would you do. Disown your daughter and grandchild? No wonder so many on here seem to have strained relationships with their parents.

"Please have an abortion darling, because if you have this baby you and they will likely end up a single parent, have an appalling life and be a burden to the tax payer".

What about 'If you're having this baby you need to think about how you're going to find a home you can afford, and have a plan for returning to education or finding a permanent job. What can I do to help you with working towards this?'

I'm not sure if you are serious or being sarcy @MeinKraft
Which is it?

How on earth can you know which hours the young woman can work?

You seem to be missing the point it's a zero hour contract. It could end at any time.

He is a s/e gardener. His work will be unpredictable as will his income.

And to talk about how this will work in 5 years' time- really? You can see that far ahead?

They won't be loaded.

Spot on.

They won't have enough money to fund their own rental.
No work/ income history to speak of, no deposit, no secure income.

And as for your ageist comments about older mothers- please...just stop.

@LillythePinky I'm not being ageist- I had both of my children in my late 30s. The point is that there are benefits, and costs to the state of any pregnancy that no one can predict. You don't tell people that they should get an abortion when they've chosen to keep their pregnancy! Pro choice is pro choice and it works both ways. You trust women and respect their choice.

And no I can't predict their employment circumstances in five years - neither can anyone else on this thread so it is beyond me why people are talking about them being unemployed, not wanting to work, being a drain on the state and so on.

As for 'they won't be able to afford their rent' they haven't even got a house yet, how do you know how much their rent will be?!

OP the biggest issue IMO is going to be rent. And childcare (but you can get that paid for on UC). A lot of areas have a huge shortage of rental properties, even dual income professionals are struggling to find a place.
That aside, having a baby at such a young age is actually ideal. She'll have gotten the mat leave etc out of the way leaving her to focus on building a career. Of course, it might be a bit difficult to travel the world/party/have one-night stands or whatever it is people do during their free and easy 20's. But career wise it's not necessarily going to wreck her life.
What job has your daughter held before? Was she training for a profession?

No,of course I'd support them and keep my opinions to myself.

What is all this angst about being self-employed? Yes he loses security by not working for someone else, but how much do you have anyway - by working for yourself, you know where you stand, and can be agile. There is plenty of demand for gardeners where I live, and it's a good and healthy lifestyle. On a lovely spring day, there is nothing like it.

As for 'they won't be able to afford their rent' they haven't even got a house yet, how do you know how much their rent will be?!

No one is surmising; @MacciesApplePie herself said she couldn't cover their rent, ergo she has established her daughter and her partner can't afford it. Which is why she created a thread asking about benefits in the first place. You've gone off on something of a tangent from the OP, it seems.

What is their current arrangement? Where do they live now?
Have they said how they anticipate funding everything a baby needs?

I sound harsh but its unlikely they will stay together and your daughter could well find herself a single parent with no career prospects and chasing maintenance payments off a self employed gardener.

They both need a big reality check. a sit down together to help them go through budgets and a discussion around the practicalities.

Tbh I'd be bloody furious with them both.

When this child leaves school OP’s daughter will still be young enough to potentially start a whole new educational or career path. Not that she’d need to wait till then but just saying.

Where I live there are many older professionals with young children still renting, because the cost of housing is so high. Those who own almost all relied on family help to do so, whatever their age.

OPs daughter wants to keep her baby. They’ll have to make the best of whatever circs they find themselves in re housing and money, like we all do. So you know, forget your troubles c’mon get happy a little baby is coming, yay!

She's 21 it's quite normal to have children that age .
I had one age 21 and I don't think my mum gave it a second thought!
You sound a bit like you are wanting to control the situation.

Hi!

I was 21 when I had my son, working full time for the NHS before covid hit.
i had lost my mum before finding out I was pregnant with my son so I didn’t have anyone to help me out the way your looking out for your daughter but I know had my mum been here she would have 1000% tried to help me like you are doing for your child.
your a great mum and if its any help, me and my partner made it work, we actually have two kids now and we dont have tonnes of money but were very much in love and happy as are our children
goodluck to you all xxx

How was the chat?

The housing situation will be further complicated that you are part owners of the house you think you'd rent to them
At the very least discuss with BiL before you confirm the possibility with DD
Also support them, but do not research the situation for them
They need a reality check

@MeinKraft As for 'they won't be able to afford their rent' they haven't even got a house yet, how do you know how much their rent will be?!

because rents are expensive and these two are skint. They can’t afford to live by themselves and now they’re bringing a child to the world. Thank god grandma and the government is there to solve the mess so they don’t have to.

Life can come and give anyone a good kicking at any time. There are lots of reasons that someone might need to claim benefits. Best not to be too judgmental. There by the grace of god and all that.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname

Oh come on get real! The amount of young unmarried girls/women who get pregnant young and have no job, no career, no education, no savings, no income, and no home; who go on to have a university degree and an illustrious professional career is vanishingly small. In fact I don't know a single one!

I know/know of plenty of women who had babies young (under 21) and had very little or poor education/dropped out of college or didn't go, and they never ended up going to university when the kids were older - and landed a £70K a year job. ANOTHER 'living in a dream world' post! 🙄

The harsh reality is that she will spend much of her life in her 20s and 30s on benefits, scratching around for pennies to pay for essentials.Then she will be in a zero hours contract minimum pay unskilled labour job in her 40s and 50s; begging for as many hours as she can get because the father of her child(ren) left YEARS ago, and her benefits/tax credit/child benefit has stopped.

Stop putting daft ideas in peoples heads, and inventing fantastical scenarios that will more than likely never happen. Life is not a Hollywood movie, and most young women who have poor education, no job, no home of their own, who have babies young - will end up in a life of drudgery, and struggling to make ends meet. And you can bet in the majority of cases, the baby's father won't stick around!

.

@MeinKraft You are being ageist in so much as you assume that all women 35+ cost the NHS more in pregnancy care. This isn't the case and it's often very young women who haven't taken care of themselves who end up costing more.

I have not , in any post here, advocated an abortion.

I didn't say that in the post you've quoted nor in the others.

I said the daughter just be realistic about what being a young parent, with little income and no means of supporting herself or the child, will be like.
And I said that once she knew, she could make a CHOICE.

As for 'they won't be able to afford their rent' they haven't even got a house yet, how do you know how much their rent will be?!

Do you know anything about renting now?
You normally need 2 months as a deposit plus a month's rent and a month in advance.
I have no idea where they live, but where I am, a 1-bed flat is £1k a month. Double that almost for a 2-bed.
So if they can get together £4K to start off the rental, that's all great.

But you're forgetting that landlords need a solid work history, bank statements, and references. A self employed gardener and a waitress on zero hours are going to find that harder.

You appear out of touch.

I assume the stats for 21yo staying with her partner aren't pretty either, so OP needs to tell her DD to prepare to be a young single mum, if she stays with the partner then that will be a bonus

What ageist comments are you taking about? Surely you can’t deny that biologically you are better off having kids young. Have kids 35+ isn’t the ideal from a biological perspective.

you really can’t seem to grasp that young couple can make it work without loads of money. They can, young people are adaptable. They don’t have such high expectations of everything being just so, they just get one with it and do what it takes. Most of the time, for most people it works out just fine. Most people I know who had kids young in less than ideal (by your standards) circumstances are GLAD they had their kids young and life has worked out well. Move along with your judgmental and frankly small minded views.

Absolutely this.