21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

@LuckySantangelo35

OP said she they may be able to raise money for a mortgage. I suggested coownership as it wouldn’t need as much.

OP needing money from the flat is a separate issue; she can get tenants for it that aren’t related to her.

Maybe things have changed and in some cases it’s possible to rent from relatives; but I imagine it’s a right ballache to organise.

@LuckySantangelo35 I doubt many of them are from people whove had kids at 21 years old. Most of the posters saying how hard it is have waited til their 30s and then they can't cope with change of lifestyle.

They’re not lone success stories though are they.

the figures are skewed by the fact that people who don’t have drive and ambition have kids young because that’s what everyone around them does. They would likely have had poorer outcomes no matter the age they had kids, but they go into the young parent stats.

the people who do have drive and ambition, like everyone I know, who had kids young have done well for themselves and their kids haven’t suffered at all for having younger than average parents.

people are individuals.

It’s not the younger parents saying that though is it. It’s the ones who waited until things were perfect and then struggled to adjust to a different way of life. Young people are more adaptable and tend to roll with the punches a bit more.

Quite the contradiction putting people in to one of two pigeon holes, then pontificating that 'people are individuals'.

Its a bit more complex than merely lacking ambition. Opportunity and upbringing play a significant part. Most of us can't afford to bank roll our children through life, so I've had regular conversations with my daughter about limiting her opportunities. Its clear a lot of parents don't (there is a lot of 'give them a reality check' advice on this thread. When really, the reality check talk needs to happen, and with regularity, before the unplanned pregnancy).

People are individuals refers to the fact that it’s is down to the individual how things turn out for them. But their upbringing and whats the norm in their community will pay a part in their view of the world, their ambition and idea of what’s achievable in life will be influenced by that.

I wasn’t living at home, I was a live in nanny and worked abroad, I was at home for a few weeks in between leaving one family and joining another when I found out I was pregnant.

Can you encourage her to think about using the next few months to set her up with a job that will get her through the early years before school? Get herself set up as a childminder for example which would save ££££ in childcare as well as earning a decent wage.

Ops DD lives at home , it's a big ask to have her parents home set up as a childminding business.

Nope.

I was born and raised on a council estate by teenage parents. I'm now in my forties and I'm still the only person in my large extended (30+ first cousins) family to even stay on at school past GCSEs. I have a doctoral and professional degree but still keep in close contact with family and friends from "back home."

I'm now part of the elusive "MN £100k plus higher-earning husband" cohort. Seven figures in retirement savings etc. So I kind of straddle a number of worlds and my social circle is really quite diverse.

My experience can be summed up thus: Pregnant teens almost never end up "running businesses and earning £100k salaries". Professionally successful women who do, did not have babies as a teen.

the "teen parent to great professional success" trajectory is vanishingly rare and it's laughable to suggest otherwise.

So the welfare state is going to pay to house your daughter and you’re also going to get paid. Incredible.

Helena Morrissey had the first of her children at 25, which isn't so much older.

I think it depends on your measure of success. £100k salaries are fairly rare in the real world anyway. They make up only a tiny percentage of available careers. So it’s going to be very rare for a teenage parent to achieve that.

but most people don’t feel a failure because they’re not a massively high earner. Most people want an enjoyable career and enough money to have a comfortable family life. That’s very achievable for a young parent. At the end of the day most people who wait until their 30s to have kids don’t earn £100k+ either.

That’s funny @candyisdandybutliquorisquicker i know three (me at 19 and two friends from completely different circles who were each 17). We all got degrees (one took her son to Oxford) and have successful post-graduate careers. Two of us earn 6 figures 🤷🏻‍♀️ with a supportive background, it’s not that rare. And OP’s DD is 21, not a teen mum!

And I don’t know any other “teen” mums. So 100% of my sample did it…

Isn't the BF not working? If they decided to keep it then he should ensure he can pay for his child. As they just found out they have months to prepare. I would be having a chat with him and suggest he pulls up his socks and takes financial responsibility.

Your daughter can work until she wishes to take Mat leave and can claim statutory Maternity pay from the Government. Then after that it would be as anyone else, childcare and returning to work in some form.

I had a friend who was 0 hours aged 29. She worked until the day before baby was born. Her Partner had a full time Job. She claimed Statutaory Mat pay and returned to work as with a full time Mum. It isnt that much different.

But I really do object to the idea that we only have value in society if we make a lot of money. And that OP’s DD will only be able to justify being a younger mum if she does (make a lot of money).

God what an awful amount of stereotyping and judgement.

No one needs to be running global organisations and careers earning £80k plus to be a decent parent and afford to live.

Shit happens, no one should be forced or shamed into an abortion. No one needs to furious with them ffs!
They are grown adults!
Society shouldn't just be for the wealthy and fortunate.
I know plenty of young mum's who were at uni with me who have have gone on to have brilliant lives and careers

100000%

My Mum was a teen Mum. Worked in a factory and so did my Father minimum wage. She had 3 months Mat leave and then back to partime work - opposite shifts to Dad to manage child care between them no help from family or friends. They did that for all 3 kids. No benefits.
My Mum was a teen Mum she was 18.

Now a days everybody just wants to sit about and someone else pay even 20 year olds!!!!the factory my Mum worked in atill operates and still has shifts so options for people if they rrally want to help themselves.
If that was my child I would be giving them a kick up the Bum. Your responsibility your Baby. The baby isn't the governments, get a Job work things out be stable mature real quick and be responsible adults. Would never encourage them to do nothing but apply for benefits.

Benefits are there for emergencies and those who are in dire need. I can't encourage anyone to use them when they have good health and mental capacity to hold a Job down.

There is a difference between sitting around on welfare and being a hight earner, parents can get ft jobs and support themselves and any children they chose to have at 16 or 46

They can also choose to do nothing and let the government pay for it all

There is no need to go 'they have to earn 100k'

To all those saying that the OP’s daughter should have a ToP, you really need to sort your own lives out. The daughter has HER choice and she has made HER choice. How on earth would you feel if someone came and told you shouldn’t have a baby because you’re too old?

Some of the best students I have taught have come from younger parents - they’re the ones willing to work harder and more because they’re not spoilt brats who get given everything by parents who have careers and feel guilty for leaving them with the nanny.

Absolutely. It really is quite disgusting. People have always had babies young, it's not the end of the world.

Not saying this if the op but it is easy for people to say get pregnant whenever you want but if you are living at home with no job then your parents will be forced to live with a baby and possibly the father (or mother) and may have to help with childcare

If a persons decision affects others it is not fair to continue without thought

Sure it is also easy to say grandparents just have to put up with it

You don't need to be a 'great professional success' to be a good parent.
Plenty of people look after themselves and their families in normal jobs. The vast majority of people in fact.
Not everyone aspires to be a leader of industry or a multi millionaire. It is absolutely fine to aspire only to be happy and self sufficient.

Is OP excited to meet their grandchild?

@Isitovernow123 maybe those students are working hard to improve their social mobility