21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

These posts irk me to no end. In America they’d be known as welfare dependants and she’d be a welfare queen. It’s not a good situation to be intentionally putting yourself in.

I find it amazing that people in the first world with access to healthcare and birth control and abortion CHOOSE to not utilize it 😭. Girls where I’m from have no choice but to birth babies they can’t afford over a slip up, but here? With the education and options they still choose to subject themselves to poverty. Odd!

If my 21 yr old presented herself to me with this situation, I would not be finding ways to see how it could work. I would be educating her on WHY it’s a terrible idea to do this to yourself unnecessarily, having access to world class healthcare 😭😭

There is a sizeable contingent on Mumsnet that feels anyone who has a baby without owning a house in a desirable area, having a degree from a Russell group uni, 6 figure income and an expensive ring on your finger are basically feckless scroungers with feral children.

But there’s a massive difference between this and a pair of unmarried 21 year olds on minimum or unreliable income who decide to have a baby and are now just expecting the taxpayer to sort them out and keep them.

I would be educating her on WHY it’s a terrible idea to do this to yourself unnecessarily, having access to world class healthcare

Which country is that then?

…and I had my first at 27. Both in full time jobs. As long as people don’t rely on benefits for shaky reasons or neglect their children then I don’t care about their age, good luck to them, what I care about is people supporting themselves and caring adequately for their kids rather than making a mess for society to clean up.

You would try and force her to have an abortion then?

I find it amazing that people in the first world with access to healthcare and birth control and abortion CHOOSE to not utilize it 😭. Girls where I’m from have no choice but to birth babies they can’t afford over a slip up, but here? With the education and options they still choose to subject themselves to poverty. Odd!

I come from a similar country where often women have no education, no access to birth control, no choice but to have babies young, helped by their mums/MILs who live with them to help them, all condemning themselves to poverty and abuse.

It's really odd to see this held up as a loving and great way of life in the UK.

'Freeloaders'? So my son who's 20, has psychosis and leukaemia, has never worked and likely never will - he should be less entitled to state support if he needs it than someone who's been in employment and becomes ill?

BTW - you've also misrepresented the facts on welfare entitlement. It's absolutely not the case that an 18 year old single parent in France wouldn't be entitled to benefits because she hasn't worked or paid tax. There is some contributory element to unemployment benefit in many EU countries, but that's not the same as saying those who have not worked aren't entitled to state help.

Compared to Ghana and most countries in the world, the healthcare in the UK is considered world class.

"They don’t just hand out generous benefits"

UC provides a subsistence income.

Where did OP say they are expecting the taxpayer to keep them, I missed that? She said she was looking into benefits, not that they had asked or would even be claiming. You do know that benefits can be income top up, DLA, PIP, etc. and not just UC for unemployed people?

Are you okay with those on minimum wage receiving UC top up on their wages, is it only those who aren't employed who are unacceptable?

They would be entitled to benefits but a very low amount. They take into account the contributions a person has previously made. I don’t think that’s wrong, unless a person is clearly very physically disabled and completely unable to work (ie your son, not just somebody who is depressed or doesn’t think a job would fit around the school run).

This is a depressing thread. Yet more ‘benefits will take care of it all’.

But the birth rate is arguably below the optimal level. It's hardly a bad idea to have children when you're young and healthy - it's not good for the economy to take skilled labour out at peak earning years. Much better to do it when the alternative is being a bit shiftless and drifting through your early 20s (as I was!).

Once the child is in full-time nursery/school both parents can fully commit to full-time work and getting ahead. Children are wonderfully focussing.

The welfare system is intentionally there to look after people at points of vulnerability, because social insurance is a cheaper way of organising things than relying on charity or rich and tolerant parents. If wages are too low and jobs too insecure, we really need to fix that rather than people deferring their fertility, perhaps indefinitely.

the birth rate is arguably below the optimal level. It's hardly a bad idea to have children when you're young and healthy

I’ll leave this as my final point because I know my opinions are wrongthink on here, but people having babies is only useful to society if those babies are set to become net contributors or full time workers themselves. If they’re brought up by families who rely on benefits and either never work or just do a few hours here and there, this is unlikely to happen.

Once the child is in full-time nursery/school both parents can fully commit to full-time work and getting ahead.

And yeah but often this doesn’t happen, a few years of universal credit and suddenly full time work plus little toddlers looks unappealing. Don’t believe me just check out some of the threads on here…

Thought I’d post from the angle of a young adult falling pregnant and receiving help from family. I was 20 when I had my first and my mum was very supportive. However I lived with her, worked part time but took mat leave for a year and shared childcare responsibilities between the dad and mum. Again I would ensure you have an open conversation about schedules. I know many grandmas that are there for the first few months anyway and she is very lucky to have your support.

Im not sure what she will be entitled to for mat leave on zero hours. However she can claim and get advice beforehand.

Ignore the negative people that have posted. They either have shown that they wouldn’t help their children, dislike them or probably don’t hold family support high up in priorities. Everyone is different. Congrats and good luck with it all.

Oh and everything worked out, I ended up getting a good job when my DD was able to do nursery. I could use the salary sacrifice to pay for the fees and have climbed the career ladder and support my child. And my mum loves being a grandma!

Lets not bother being (deliberately) obtuse; Mum to be is on a zero hours contract, and Dad to be is in a casual/seasonal role. They don't even have a roof to put over the child's head.

I'm not advocating for draconian family planning btw, by the same token I cba with people advocating for entire irresponsibility. Its quite simple - if the pressing question upon finding out you're pregnant is benefits, you've made an arse of it.

I think they sound quite resourceful and hard working actually. Can’t help being made redundant and being willing to take whatever you can get while you look for something better is a good thing. While the timing isn’t ideal, 21 is not ridiculously young to have a baby and probably soon you won’t be able to imagine your family without them. I wish I had had a baby then!

Ps of course OP shouldn’t just leave them to it, family support is natural and increases the chance of success.

That is so unwise. You really need to get legal advice.

Why is your daughter and the father not looking into this. Being a parent is a huge life changing responsibility. They need to be researching and thinking of they are ready.

She’s on a zero hours contract, so presumably no sick pay or maternity pay. He’s self employed in a job which is pretty seasonal and rarely generates much money. Perfect jobs for 21 year olds with no responsibilities. Not so great for parents.

@oatssosoft its not true that most people on benefits work, so you got that wrong. And anyone ending their post ‘idiots’ is usually pot kettle…

Won't the mum get Maternity Allowance, even if the cafe doesn't provide maternity pay?

Even if she's on a zero-hours contract, she is paying National Insurance. And she has a few months to save up, and doesn't have to take a whole year off afterwards. If they want to have this child, they can make it work.

Is it really what you want for your daughter? Pregnant at 21, doesn't have the security of marriage, zero hours job and nowhere stable to live? It's a likely recipe for a life of poverty.

You can't force anyone into a TOP, but I'd be stepping back and letting them see the full consequences of their decision and hoping they came to that conclusion themselves.