21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

Because having an abortion isn’t a choice all women feel they can live with? And that’s okay.

OP, I don’t have any practical advice, because I don’t live in the UK. (See username.) But congratulations on your forthcoming grandchild, and best of luck for your daughter and your whole family.

I agree with this, I think it's so unfair to have a child in these circumstances when the parents aren't capable of supporting it and need to rely on benefits. Think of the child.

I think I'd be asking my child if they had gone mad. How is she going to carry on waitressing at 9 months pregnant. Any employer is going to prioritise non -pregnant waitresses rather than somebody six months pregnant with swollen ankles. Even if she did carry on waitressing how is she going to pay for childcare. I think she should very clearly be shown how little they have to offer a baby. My grandmother once enigmaticly told my mother if she brought something home she'd nurse it! It took my mother years to work out what she meant being a very strictly raised Irish Catholic girl born in the 1920s. I think my grandmother had the right of it. Your daughter should bear the consequences of her quite frankly wet views. I wouldn't be signing up for unlimited childcare and being an accommodation provider. I imagine the boyfriend will vanish like snow in spring confronted with the reality of raising a baby at this age. If she is very opposed to abortion, adoption might be an option. There are settled financially secure parents who are just itching to buy that starter pony and give great educational opportunities on a child.

Surely you want more for your daughter to have a dead end job, now stuck with a baby and to live ok benefits. Also likely to be a single parent in the future? She'll havw little opportunities, as will her child. The cycle will probably continue as statistics show. Get her to aim a little higher for herself as you should be encouraging.

I’d be very surprised if the daughter’s boyfriend wants to keep the baby as much as she does tbh.

Op I had my first child at 21. She is now 20 herself and studying law. It’s worked out great and I don’t regret.

I did, however, have a full time job. But it’s not the end of the world to have a child young.

As op said, it’s tempting to swoop in and do everything for them. But they need to stand on their own two feet.

They need to look into benefits. She needs to look at her work situation realistically. And he needs to look at his job and whether it’s works enough to raise a family.

You can guide them. But you can’t do this for them. They are adult enough to have a baby. You need to let them be adult enough to sort it themselves out.

The flat could be an ok solution. But also has potential to be a real issue which could cause you real issues.

"starter pony"? I'm lost.
Good luck with it all OP. I had my first at 23 ( although I was married) and he is the most stable, kind, responsible person I know. Being a young mum doesn't mean being a bad mum.
Finances will have to be sorted though.
I would also make it clear exactly how much help you are willing to give. ( i.e. no overnights, or 2 days a week or once a fortnight - whatever it is). Just make it known so there is no confusion. Are you friends with the bf's parents. I'd be making a call if you are. Easier to sort out things now than later.

Congrats Op, that’s a amazing news!

please ignore the doomsayers who are saying that 21 is too young to have a child - it’s not. They may not have much money but they can still be brilliant parents!

We were teen parents (18 &17) and it was a struggle, I won’t lie. But we were able to do all the fantastic things with the kids because we have all the energy to so. Kids don’t need everything bought for them or holidays, Nannie’s etc. they need time with their parents and that is what your grandchild will get.

We had no help from parents - after all, why should we have? We were adults making adult decisions.

Yes it may prevent your daughter from sorting a career out young, but she’ll have the opportunity at a later date should she want to. My DP stayed at home for 6 years until both were at school then went to uni. She has a great career now and was so happy she spent time with the kids.

As for them, they’re 28 and 27 now, did very well at school, college and uni, despite go to the local school that was the definitely the worst in the area (we didn’t have money to move into catchment area). Bit have very good jobs and have had their own homes for the last 4-5 years.

You can rent to your children and they can get benefits for it but would you just be able to rent it to them for the amount they would be expected to contribute before benefits? Also, if you have a mortgage on the flat, check the fine print as many exclude renting to mmediate family.

@MacciesApplePie Do not (as some pp have suggested) have a conversation with your dd or her boyfriend about whether or not they have made the right decision about keeping the baby. That is a highly personal decision and does not need anyone else’s input. It would be extremely inappropriate.

Give support as much or as little as you want or can. But all in all, trust them to be able to do this themselves. They are not children or teenagers anymore.

Congratulations 💖

@Isitovernow123 Well said. That was incredibly positive.

Let them get on with it? I chose to get pregnant at 22 (17 years ago so not in the dark ages!), shes not a child.
Leave them to it, assuming they both have a phone that connects to the internet they should be able to Google any benefits they are entitled to without help from you.
They need to get used to making decisions (have you asked if they want to live in the flat or just assumed it will be their only option?) so you need to step back and let them figure it out.

What a sad indictment on society when the first question is what benefits can they claim .
Never mind about making sensible decisions when the good old taxpayer will fund them .
No wonder this country is in such a mess .

This was me 10 years ago. A whirlwind. And scary. But it worked out for the best. We were very frugal the first couple of years and had some very big life changes. But now financially very well off and settled.
Married 2 years later and about to celebrate 10 years married (happily so!)

But everything can be bought second hand where possible. And it will be universal credit. Plus child benefit. And a lot of hard work once baby is here.

@hattie43 ah pal, come on. The lass is having a baby very young and for a few years she'll need some help, once baby is older she can return to work and become invaluable to society.
Benefits are there to help those who need it. She can do her bit when she's not in need. She's hardly a master criminal here, just a young woman trying to make it work. X

This, also that baby will grow up to pay taxes to provide health and social care to all the miseries on this thread.

Look at the birth gap.

I'm pretty sure when you apply for uc they ask if you are renting from a relative? Doesn't necessarily mean its prohibited but you might need a rent assessment or something. You'll probably need to seek proper advice on that one.

How many hours is she doing? I think you need to do a certain amount to qualify for smp, approx 16? If possible she should try and do those as otherwise if she gets maternity allowance it will count agains
against universal credit, unlike smp. She should apply for uc now, as it takes 6 weeks for a payment to come through. Then just let them know as circumstances change. If you end up not having them in the flat she should get on the housing list as that takes ages also. Congratulations!

I think to rephrase. What are they entitled to. To help them. Because we live in a country that helps.
Because we are in a cost of living crisis. And if benefits can help a family temporarily, then thank goodness for that.

Had a baby at 23. On benefits for a short while. Now between us, (11 years later) my DH and I earn 6 figures and contribute a lot. But we wouldn't have gotten anywhere without the benefit system helping us in the beginning.

Thank you for all of the positive comments and good advice. I will read back over agin and make notes.
just a bit of back ground. They rented a house from a work colleague of my husband who was abroad, when he came back just before Christmas they both moved home (the boyfriend to his parents) and planned to save for a deposit for a house. They both worked for the same company and were made redundant at the start of Jan, and took the first jobs they could find. They are both actively seeking new permanent employed jobs.
The flat we own with my husbands brother is let out and our half of the rent covers my youngest son at uni.
im asking about benefits not because I want my rent paid by the state, but as an option. I’ve never claimed benefits so have no clue what they could be entitled to in the short term, so thank you for the advice.
im going to have s good talk with her today about what life will look like with a baby but ultimately it’s their choice. I don’t want to take over but I do want to help.
thanks again, my head is all over the place and this has given me some options to consider.

A cynical part of me wonders if they did this on purpose to "get" the family flat.

Imagine making such statements about people you know nothing about.

Yes, but it's a safety net, not a lifestyle choice (having a baby is a choice). And I'd say you are the exception to the rule

You can rent from family and it doesn’t even need to be market value but you can’t get rent paid on a property that was purchased purely to rent to family.

OPs flat would be fine, we have a family member claiming uc living in a family property paying nearly half market value and actually below the local housing allowance rate and it was accepted because they inherited the house around 7 years before the family moved in and it had, had a previous tenant too. The rule is to stop richer family members buying property purely to get it paid off by the tax payer.

Then I think you need to relook at where you are getting your information to make that uninformed decision.
Lots have people have used benefits in the past and it is most certainly not a lifestyle choice. It’s a means to an end.

Why oh why is the first question about benefits? Will the next question be about getting a council house.or a moan about the luck of affordable housing?

Universal credit, maybe housing element, child benefit and you will get the child element in with your universal credit.

Possibly because both daughter and BF have both just been made redundant, yet both were straight back out to get new jobs.

If the new jobs don’t work then they will need support which is exactly what the benefit system is for. To help when needed.

It’s not as if they’re avoiding paying tax (which costs the UK around 16bn last year…..).