21 year old daughter pregnant - help please

[MacciesApplePie]

I’m fairly new to this so thought I would post where there’s most traffic.
As the title said my 21 year old daughter has told me tonight that she’s pregnant. She has talked it over with her boyfriend and they would like to keep it. I said I will support her whatever
She has just started a zero hours contract as a waitress and he is self employed as a gardener.
Her dad and I don’t have huge amounts of money but we do have a flat that was left to us by his mum (shared with his brother) that is currently rented it
Could anyone please advise me where to look for any benefits they can claim, and advise if they could potentially live in the flat (we can’t afford for them to live there rent free so maybe benefits). This is a big shock to me but I want to help them all I can. Thank you :)

The harsh reality is that she will spend much of her life in her 20s and 30s on benefits

The harsh reality is that she will spend much of her life in her 20s and 30s working.

Even if she separates from her boyfriend, she will meet somebody else - most people do.

It sounds like her parents are not in poverty themselves. Things do tend to work out. For what it's worth, I do know quite a few people who had children first and who did university later, making it into the middle classes. And at least they were doing something useful when they were raising their children for a year or two in their late teens and early 20s.

Stats for relationships working out long term aren’t that brilliant whatever age you are. So I guess you always need to be prepared to be a single parent.

out of my close friends who had kids young (obviously this is very anecdotal evidence), that’s 6 couples including me, 5 are still together 20 years later. The one that isn’t is a recent split, so they raised the kids together until they’re teens. Not so bad really.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname Read the post I left for the other poster.

The point is that in society now, the 'ideal biological age' to have a child (ie young) doesn't correspond with going to university or doing any kind of training, which lasts till at least 21. Education is compulsory to 18.

IMO it's far better to wait to have a child until you a) meet the right person who you hope will be a partner for life and b) have the job and income to support a child without relying on grandparents.

Your posts are based on your own experiences, but that doesn't mean they were good choices. They worked out for you because you had a partner who had a job and your shift work fitted around that.

Is it having high expectations to want a career and not just a job paying the minimum wage and to get by?

Some people want to aim a bit higher and get above minimum wage jobs. That's harder if you have a child to care for.

Stats for relationships working out long term aren’t that brilliant whatever age you are.

This is your opinion.
The figures prove otherwise.

Congratulations OP.

understand you want to help as much as possible but do try to let your daughter figure out as much as she can for herself. It’ll do her no good if you step in and try to save the day too much.

I had my kids at 14, 18 and 20. Lived on benefits and social housing for a while but eventually found our feet and doing well now, things will work out. 21 isn’t all that young, but you’re going to have to let her learn to take responsibility, it’ll do her no favours if you don’t.

Congratulations to your daughter and her bf. I'm sure they will work out a way to make it work.

The flat plan would probably be a non starter housing benefit doesn't exist for new claimants and uc doesn't allow renting to family.

The bigger issue would also be the disparity in allowances and market rent.

Where I live there's nothing under £600 a month and that probably out of date hut the local housing allowance on uc is £340 so there's already a massive difference. This disparity will vary across the country and has left loads of people rent prisoners just as some people are mortgage prisoners.

No it’s not. I always knew I wouldn’t do low paid jobs for ever and that I would retrain, which I did.

what you’re not grasping is that while it may not be ideal, you can get by, enjoy raising your kids while they’re small and work a low paid job. It didn’t matter to me at all while they were small as it gave me more time with them. We had a wonderful time and then once they were in full time education and old enough to fend for themselves a bit I retrained.

you don’t have to have a good career first. You can just have a job and enjoy your kids. You can have a career later because you’re still young. My youngest is 16 and I’m not yet 40. I’ve got years of working ahead of me to build my career uninterrupted by mat leave. I’ve also got lots of energy as I had my kids so young they didn’t drain me in the way young kids drained my friends who had them in their 30s. I have great close relationships with my young adult DC and I do think I understand them better because I’m not as far removed.

im not saying it’s the ideal for everyone. Each to their own, but you can’t write things off as a disaster just because it’s not the way you think it should be done. This young couple have a lot of work to do, but there’s every chance they can do well in life and they may end up truly believing (as I do) that they did things the best way round for them.

I couldn't agree more.

I don't know who these teenage/young mothers without schooling who miraculously end up running FTSE 500 companies are...I've never met them.

We had our first at 21, a complete shock I might add. I had to leave my midwifery course half way through and my now husband jumped straight in to full time work. We had no money to our name, my parents thankfully let us move back in with them for 6 months and we covered food etc while we both worked every hour we could while we saved for a deposit but this time was capped from the beginning. My parents had a house they had inherited and were renting out but I was never under the impression we would move in to it. We survived on what we had, we didn’t claim any benefits as my husbands job meant we were just above the limit and now we’ve bought our own home and we’re married with our third on the way. Please ignore the people who say they’ll be on benefits their whole lives or even worse, that they wouldn’t make good parents because they’re young. It’s a hard path but it’s doable. But please don’t make the mistake of pushing for your daughter to give the baby up, my in laws did exactly this for us and not only did it not change our minds but it completely broke the relationship with them.

@LillythePinky my mum did work actually - if you must know. I worked morning shifts as a waitress and I was back at home by midday and she worked afternoons.

I am telling my story because there is so much negativity on this post and OP sounds like she wants to help her daughter and fortunately can.

I never asked my mum to help out AT ALL!! She insisted because she wanted to. However she didn’t let me off lightly. I had to financially support myself and my daughter. I didn’t work full time until I could afford to put her in nursery. However I studied whilst my DD was young and there was a lot of grants and support back then for parents and students. I even wanted to move out as my daughters dad had his own place.

Everyone’s circumstance is difference. But to assume that life is over for having a child at 20/21 is ridiculous. I have friends who have had children so early and now in our 30s we are in very good positions and are financially independent. You just go a few years of “hardship”. I also wouldn’t have it any other way - it’s my life, the life I chose. Ops daughter will have to come to that realisation too.

Yes - there are many parents that struggle - but I know older parents that struggle. Married parents that struggle. You just have to get your life in order. Look at the support you do and don’t have, and live your life and do your best.

These days it’s so easy to upskill online whilst children are younger. I just hate the negative narrative towards young parents. OP is asking for advice not critism.

OP there are some very harsh people on here. Some of them seem to be suggesting that you encourage your DD to have an abortion!! Just ignore them.

It’s absolutely normal for you to want to help your DD.

No one can ever say whether a decision is right or wrong because they can’t see into the future.

This isn’t my experience at all. I believe it’s partly culture, upbringing and personality. Those who don’t make it work, may not have made it work even if they’d have waited to have kids. Those that do will do no matter what age they have kids. I don’t think having kids young is the deciding factor.

everyone I know who had kids young worked hard to give them decent lives. Yes no one started a FTSE 500 company, we mostly trained in healthcare or education, which probably speaks a bit of the different sorts of people holding different opinions. Being rich isn’t so important to us, but having a fulfilling career in an area that helps others and gives our families a decent quality of life is what matters. For the most part we have achieved that.

I don't see a major issue. 21 isnt a teen. Currently working so perhaps before due date she can put in overtime to save? Ive known some people never to work at all, so a short break then back in part time she won't have a big gap in CV. Its doable. A gardner isnt bad, when i met my husband he was a landscape gardner, it wasn't seasonal, they had so much work over spring/summer that when winter came they would do the projects for their clients.

You can do open uni or there are night classes if she wanted a particular career later on.

Its not the be all and end all, it all depends on them, what they want to achieve, how much effort they are prepared to put in.

They are already starting off on a better foot then some, they seem happy together.

OPs daughter is 21, probably 22 once baby is here.

Being a first-time mum at 22 isn’t comparable to being 16/17 and still at school. Her and her partner should be able to sort things out themselves.

@candyisdandybutliquorisquicker and @SweetBirdsong you both probably have a very narrow social circle of people with life experiences like you.

It’s all about the mindset of a young parent. Like I said before, I know many people with teenage children running offices at the age of 30 or running their own businesses and living comfortably. some have 100k salaries.

Most probably don’t make having a baby young their identity.

I equally know of/hear about single men and women who are childfree on drugs or travelling around without a penny to their name. Living off benefits without a career trajectory. They hit 30 and still nothing.

Ops daughter is having a baby. I think they will be fine with the right support and with the right mindset.

None of us young mums are saying it's a walk in the park, but if you are generally intelligent, from a family who have always worked and are supportive, young parenthood isn't the end of the world.

I don't disagree that if you're from a long line of work shy people, from a sink estate and have no GCSEs then it'll be more of a struggle, but that doesn't seem to be OPs situation.

A minimum wage job isn't the end of the world, nor is it forever! I worked minimum wage shift work for a while when the kids were young so I could be (on the whole) a SAHM and not have childcare costs.

Now I'm 38, kids are 16 and 11 and I'm planning my next steps for more of a career.

They can’t rent from you as you are relatives.

For benefits see citizens advise and check out this calculator. It will be more complicated for them as they don’t have straightforward salaried jobs.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Apply for child benefit as soon as baby is born.

For baby stuff, always wait for the sales. Sign up for loyalty cards - especially boots and tesco. And buy online using topcashback.

Sign up for free baby events for free stuff.

@Justkeeepswimming

Why are you posting stuff that isn’t true? You can rent from family and still be given housing element of UC. You just have to have an actual tenancy agreement at full market value and proof that you are paying it. Please don’t post stuff which isn’t true, and you could have checked yourself online before posting, because it confuses people and someone might make decisions based on wrong information.

What about Co-ownership to get them on the ladder?

@coursey

how depressing! I didn’t wanna be doing something ‘useful’ in my late teens / early twenties… I wanted to be doing something fun!!

@Itslegitimatesalvage
I claimed before and it was not possible then. The stance currently is that they cannot normally pay housing benefit if you are renting from a relative, a property that you previously owned, or if you are paying rent to a former partner/spouse

@Justkeeepswimming

op has said she can’t afford this.
she has said she needs the rent money from the flat.

Its a busy thread, so understandable that some people are missing points. I don't see many people questioning age (21), its circumstances people are questioning. And the OP has actually said she can't help her daughter (certainly not financially. The OP hasn't mentioned practical support, though she has said she works herself). And those circumstances were the purpose of the thread; can her daughter claim benefits, because she can't afford rent.

People having children at an early stage in their life, without any planning, is so, so prevalant. And for every lone 'success' story there are at least a dozen (more, if we're honest) of hardship (extreme hardship in many cases, there are SO many children living in poverty).

But raising young kids was fun! We had a fantastic time together. So not depressing at all for me. We’re all different.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname

and im really glad that that was your experience!

but you only have to look on posts on here all the time to see that many, many people find raising small children to be loads of grind and tedium!