To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

I agree, he wont want to lose your financial contribution to the household, even though he resents the fact that you out earn him. He also wont want the loss of freedom etc that comes with being a parent.

Imo things wont get better, the only way he will be able to 'console' himself over the fact that you are so much more successful than him, will be to look for ways to control you, to thwart you, to stop you getting the things that you want in life.

I’m totally torn on whether just to go now or whether to as per the original plan give it a few more weeks and give the holiday a go or just to leave now. I am conscious it’s been 2 days since the initial chat, maybe it’s too soon to give up but also still living like this is so painful and it almost feels like what’s the point as somewhere in my heart I am just not sure we can fix this. Obviously I’ve not asked my husband today as I’ve not spoken to him but my strong suspicion is based on last night that he wouldn’t want me to go back to my family now, wants to do the holiday, and what he’s hoping for is just a positive few weeks where we don’t argue all the time. But I don’t know how on EARTH I’m supposed to go home tonight and pretend everything is normal.

Can you fix this relationships in a few weeks? What do you hope to achieve? You know in your heart you can’t. Turns out DH knows it too.

I don’t know of a single holiday post separation-discussion that went well tbh. Most result in arguments or one returning early or both.

If I were you I’d spend the holiday period at your parents, and let your DH take it if he wants.

Fwiw I would go on holiday. One way or another, it sounds like you've been more honest with each other (and yourselves) in the last week than for a long time.

Continue this. This could help you reach a satisfying outcome. In either direction.

For example, you haven't talked much about the lack of sex. Ime this is unusual for men of his age. And somewhat at the root of your issues. Why? Porn? Illness? Not that into you? More honesty needed about this.

Thanks all - to address a couple of questions that have come up:

We’ve already discussed practical implications. I would ultimately buy him out and live in the house alone - I could afford both the outlay and the step up in cost - he couldn’t afford either. He would however, find it very difficult to buy somewhere else and would need to rent, which also he wouldn’t really find financially easy which brings me some guilt - but he’s looked into options.

I obviously at present pay much more of mortgage and bills, I told him I’m prepared to spend up to 3 months at my parents and still pay the % of mortgage and bills I am now while he looks for somewhere else, which I think is fair (although happy to be told honest opinions if should be longer than that). It’s not practical for him to stay at family and work and his family live further, whereas my parents are about 2 hours away so 1 day a week although tiring is doable. I would probably during that 3 month period on occasion stay in the house for 1 night when it was needed for work reasons or maybe to see friends I guess but I’d try to keep that few and far between as I just think still living together would be torture and I’d need my parents’ support.

He would take the pets, they are closer to him and he does more daily care so I think this is fair. However I still love them so it breaks my heart. He said we could think about some sort of shared custody arrangement and he’d move close but I’m not really sure how practically that would work, but guess we have time to figure it out.

The holiday is abroad and can’t be moved (I’ve looked into it). Website says I’d have to call to enquire re changing names etc and tbh I have zero insight into how much that would cost.

PP who mentioned that maybe just putting myself through the next few weeks including the holiday might give me the courage to know I’ve made right decision and never regret it in the future - maybe this is is correct. I do feel that maybe 2 days after first having the big discussion is too early to pull the plug, but it’s just day by day is so painful at the moment.

It’s a difficult one and happened to me but the other way around totally blindsided by it. Nearly a year on we are back to talking now, so not sure how it will pan out, but life hasn’t been greener for either of us. I have dated in the meantime sex has been amazing at times but it’s new and exciting, so is going to be. It’s great other posters have met someone new but a lot of the time still aren’t 10 years down in a relationship so it’s hard to tell if it will stagnant again. You can only do what’s right for you now and if that is to leave then do, but you can’t guarantee you won’t be in the same situation

I am sorry but I think it needs to be a clean break re the pets, and moving close to you to enable you to see the pets is also a no no.

However, it may be that you keep them - depending on what they are as finding a rental with pets can be difficult, esp dogs.
and if they are dogs I think you can afford a dog walker to come in during the day and walk them.

name change on a holiday is minimal in contrast to the cost of the holiday, it is just an admin detail - altho the nearer to the date it becomes it gets harder due to airlines. £20 I would expect right now.

Do you know anyone who’s done this when it wasn’t super awkward/argumentative/painful/wished they hadn’t?

I don't know anyone who's done this at all.

I don't think there is a 'correct' answer.

But it does sound like they're just beginning to talk. That's positive.

I don't know anyone who's done this at all.

Well, quite.

Or maybe I do... I just don't know because they worked things out between them.

It doesn't matter. No one is 'correct'.

We're just offering the OP perspectives..

As a 35 year old can someone tell me why the fuck being 33 is a red flag?

Stay in the house. He moves out. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lot of issues.

Do not offer to pay the mortgage while he stays in the house.

You need a clean break if you are doing it. He has one month to find a rental. Otherwise you will be stuck in a painful situation for a long time.

Go on the holiday. Try and behave well and like friends. Do not drink wine.

The animals stay with you until he sorts himself out.

As you know, you're both responsible for the mortgage, whilst both names are still on it, regardless of who is living in the house. Make sure it's paid in full every month, in case he stops paying.

I personally do not think you should move out for 3 months.

1. It gives him no incentive to find elsewhere.
2. He'll struggle to get a rental to take all of the pets (what all do you have?)
3. He could get himself a house share or lodger arrangement very quickly, i.e. within a couple of weeks, but again, the issue of pets will be a problem.
4. He might keep asking you for more and more time, all the while, it's not great for your work and you're paying some of the bills that you're not even using.

If you are separating, and you've agreed you're buying him out, I'd give him until you've arranged the new mortgage. Once the house is fully in your name, then time's up.

STOP WITH THE GUILT! You are 33. He has strung you along, he's too much of a coward to tell you he doesn't want children with you, left you in a position where you may never have children. He's a spineless man and you are worried about how to financially support him?

Meanwhile he gets to not worry about rent, then go off into the sunset and have a family whenever he feels like it. With no consequences.

If he has less money than you, that's his choice. He has chosen his career. He has benefitted from yours for long enough.

Seriously, you need a bit more anger and less guilt. Take action. Move quickly. Don't prolong the suffering unnecessarily.

Hi all - a quick update. When I got home 2 nights ago my husband told me he wanted to make it work and would get on board with trying for a family. I challenged him a bit on it being a big 180 and through the evening he backtracked a little bit, still had the same concerns and didn’t give a clear timeline on when we would start.

We left it as that we’d go on the holiday and over the next week and a half / the holiday we’d both do some thinking. Told my husband I need him to think about what he actually wants, meanwhile I’ll think about what would be enough. I am telling myself I will not let myself continue in this limbo past 1st March, either he’s on board by then / there’s a clear plan or I’m out.

I told my husband I think a huge part of us getting in this mess is our lack of communication over the past year and I refuse to both before and until the holiday avoid this topic. However I went out last night to give us both a bit of a break. I am going away with a friend this Saturday too so we’ve got a fair bit of space til we go on holiday the Saturday after….

I guess I need to think about what I’d actually need from my husband in order to not leave. What I don’t want to happen is for us to patch it up but then this all happen again in a few months time.

He’s still not up for counselling (I think he needs individual counselling too tbh).

However, and as many PP have pointed out, I do love him - and my gut feeling is that I have a better chance of having a baby with him if I stay than with someone else if I leave.

Mess.

I’m sorry - this is certainly not my opinion! I have been present when men have said they wouldn’t want to date women around 33-37 without kids who want kids as they are focused on biological clock

He's doing exactly what they always do when they don't want a child but don't want you to leave.

In his case you bring the money so it's even more important that he keeps you around.

It's clear he doesn't want his life to change in any way and he's only got to keep going with soon soon maybe yeah I want this too for a few more years before your fertility declines enough that pregnancy becomes more and more unlikely. Yes, women do get pregnant in their late 30s and early 40s but with each passing year then likelihood decreases.

He's being exceptionally cruel to you to dangle hope in front of you to stop you from doing anything that means his comfy life changes at all.

Tbh it would be less cruel of him to tell you he doesn't want to raise a child but he'd donate his sperm for you to raise a child alone on the condition you didn't ask anything from him than pretend he probably wants a child with you at some point in the future maybe.

If he does give in any have a child with you in order to continue to have your earnings then just be realistic that he'll be in the house but you'll be raising the child alone in every way that matters and will have to put more into the child to hopefully negate the emotional effects of having a disinterested father or a Disney dad.

Which might be ok for you if you want a child above all else. That's something only you can know. It's a tough situation for you. There's no easy choice. It's one of those times when your only options are sacks of shit and you have to sniff out the one that stinks the least.

Having read your last update, i agree with @IncompleteSenten

He's stringing you along. Still no firm plan.

If he'd said "I love you and I want it to work, I understand your needs, let's start having make up sex right now"...

I'd feel differently.

my gut feeling is that I have a better chance of having a baby with him if I stay than with someone else if I leave.

Sorry, i dont think this is true. Not on 2 x a month sex.

This is all just horrible to read. To my mind there is just no other description for the husband’s attitude other than selfishness and disregard for OP. Of course people can disagree about children and he is entitled to want both a sexless marriage and no children. But if your wife wants those things you only have two choices: help her get them or let her leave (or leave yourself to free her).

I met my dh at 30, married at 35, first child at 36, second at 38. 33 is not too old. But its too old for pissing around with someone who doesn’t love you enough to make the effort of his own free will.

Don’t leave, OP. He should leave and find a house share or apartment. Begin as you mean to go on. Forget the holiday. Keep the pets until he can step up and parent them effectively by supplying them with a home. He can grow up and take responsibility for himself.

Thanks. I’m struggling a bit with what the ‘ultimatum’ be after holiday.

I think what I need is: him on board with TTC. Better sex life in general including sex 2-3 times when I’m ovulating. Him to be committed to this being our future. Him to be prepared to go through fertility tests/treatment etc if it doesn’t go well.

I know what he’ll say (based on our 10000s of circular conversations) is that our relationship probably isn’t secure enough to TTC anyway at the moment which isn’t unreasonable but I think I still need some kind of timeline? Basically his message the other day was that he DOESN’T feel ready but is prepared to ‘compromise’ to not lose me….

Or do I just go anyway. A good question on if I want a child above all else - I guess what I want above all else is to be happy and later in life to not have regrets. I have always, always seen myself as a mother and the thought of not being one hurts me. Another piece of context that I haven’t mentioned at all in this thread has been that I have PCOS so always in the back of my head have thought I’ll probably need fertility treatment anyway.

Well that puts me shit out of luck lol. I don't let stuff like that bother me though, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyway. Funny how some (not all) men seem to think women are sweets to pick and choose in a Candy store

There's nothing to say you will need fertility treatment (although wise to factor it into your plans). He's honestly performing the biggest head fuck ever on you. I'd leave, he's absolutely not going to commit to ttc or he'd have done it by now.

Don't stay with him because you're afraid of not becoming a mum. Don't stay out of fear. TTC should be exciting time with loads of shagging, talking about the future.. he's not in anyway giving you this. Go - because you're not willing to settle for his empty words.

The thing is he only has to promise you something like "in 5 years" and tell you all the things you want to hear. He could even start being really certain about it. Definitely in 5 years. In 5 years we'll do x, y, z... " and you'll go ok, I'll be 38. Plenty of women have children at that age. I can wait 5 years.

Then it gets to 5 years and suddenly he's changed his mind only now you're 38 and you're thinking ok, oh shit. I'm 38, I really don't have time to find someone else, get to a stage where we're ready to have kids... Maybe he'll change his mind in 2 years. I'll be 40. I know women in their 40s who had children, also there's IVF, he's my best option if I want a child...

Then one day you turn round and you've gone through menopause and he's left you for a 30 year old who's already pregnant.

I wonder what he'd say if you said ok, let's forget all about actually having a child but instead we go to a clinic asap and have my eggs and your sperm mixed and embryos frozen so we have viable embryos ready to go.

Depending on how much he knows about the process, you could tell him you've talked to a couple of clinics and it's a simple matter of making appointments and it could be done within weeks and all he needs to do right now, this very moment, is say yes and you'll make the appointment right away. That it's affordable and you'd obviously pay the bill yourself. All he has to do is provide a sample.

Now, I know it's not that simple but he probably doesn't and his reaction would be very revealing.

I suspect he'd be unable to hide the brief flash of panic that would cross his face and in that moment you'd be left in no doubt that this man never intends to have a child with you.

Obviously I hope I'm wrong but I've a funny feeling I'm not.

He is messing you around, he is messing with your head.

I think the reply above by @IncompleteSenten is a well thought out one and one which you should read and consider carefully.

He's stringing you along. He doesn't want his life to change.

Yes, there are men who say they would not date a woman in her 30s because of the pressure to have kids. From my circle of friends however most couples have met in their 30s. There are actually a lot of men who also want children! Men are not some uniform terrible species who just want to shag around with no responsibility. Plenty of men are nice and want a family. But you will never meet them if you stay with your current DH.