To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

I think sometimes with relationships like this, you just end up looking at each other and realising that it’s just dead in the water.

I’m not saying that arguments are good but at least when you disagree and have it out at least the air is cleared.

Ironically when I was in my relationship that is similar to this he asked me if I wanted a child and I said no because I didn’t feel that he was anywhere near ready for it. He didn’t take on any extra work even though it was available. Had no ambition to go for a promotion etc. He had an easy life with me, I owned the house paid all the bills. He paid a minimal amount. I did everything. In the end I pursued an opportunity overseas, I wanted us to try again on a more level playing field. I got back and he’d had my car I let him borrow. I told him I’d need to use it by a certain date and that he needed to have sorted out his own by that date and of course he didn’t and expected me to drive him 40 minutes in the opposite direction to where I needed to be for my job. We split up soon after. He’d had two years to save, get himself sorted out. He owed me money too.

It’s a different situation of course but the vibe is the same.

Another update (sorry to keep doing these…. I’ll stop at some point… maybe after the holiday!)

My husband and I still haven’t actively confronted / discussed our issues at all since this time a week ago (although, to be fair, I was away at weekend and have been doing things most evenings - we haven’t spent much time at home together).

When me and my husband HAVE been together, he’s been amazing. So sweet, attentive and caring, really pulled out stops for Valentine’s Day, even initiating sex (quite off brand as mentioned before), super excited for/ making plans for the holiday - he’s obviously really trying.

Which is just making me feel like a massive bitch and more and more guilty as I’m checking further and further out. I confided in my friend I was away with at the weekend and told her pretty much everything that was in this thread (including some bits that I’m really not proud of) and at the time it felt like a weight off - now I’m worried that was a mistake in case I should be prioritising working it out with DH and I’ve betrayed him by doing this (he’d be crushed I think). I literally avoid mentioning my DH in conversation to anyone else at all costs right now.

I literally have a weekend in mind that I might leave (aka the first clear weekend post holiday) but am still having doubts about the right choice.

Part of me is almost scared my DH will enthusiastically say he wants to conceive in case that’s not enough / I don’t truly believe it and then the decision to leave would make so much less sense.

We are so close to the holiday now so I guess just got to go on it and see how I feel. I just want to come back more sure, in either direction….

I’m based near London and work in London yes - I find most of my peers are getting married and having their first child around now, I maybe got married slightly younger (but not dramatically) but most people I know don’t wait to have a child afterwards and go for ttc immediately.

I know a couple of people who got divorced late 30s / early 40s with kids already, and a couple of people single around my age without baggage, but I don’t know ANYONE my age who has been married and divorced without children (part of the fear factor).

I'd be pretty certain it'll all come to a head on holidays, without any distractions.

There's a Big Conversation to be had. He feels it, hence the behaviour. I don't think anything is changing for you, it's the terror of the unknown - but deep down, I think you know you don't want this relationship any longer.

Who knows, you may resolve things. Either way over the next couple of weeks you can make up your mind. Your loyalty needs to be to yourself.

It is ok to say that it’s not what you want. If you have a big conversation and you feel that you want to give it a go, that is ok too. Most people go through a process of deciding if it’s right at some point in their relationship. When that is depends on the person. For some it’s a few dates in, for others months or years, some people bolt after they move in, or get married. There is no right or wrong way. You are much more bothered and invested than everyone else is.

Don’t try and be the ‘cool girl’ though, putting up with shit you don’t like just to not rock the boat.

I think given the context you should stay and have children with him.

I'm glad you feel he's really trying.

I hope he's had the kick up the backside that he needed.

But '35 year old man initiates sex with his wife', isn't my definition of 'really trying'.

I hope your holiday brings more clarity.

@purpledaisy240

I confided in my friend I was away with at the weekend and told her pretty much everything that was in this thread (including some bits that I’m really not proud of) and at the time it felt like a weight off

What was your friend's reaction and any advice? 🌹

He's making an effort now ( let's see how long he keeps it up ?! ) as he knows he is about to lose you / his marriage.

I guess within one month of the holiday being over he will have reverted back to form.

You've heard the phrase 'too little, too late'? This seems to be the epitome of this to me. How do you feel?

Of course he's making an effort. He has very good and totally self serving reason to not want to split up (cough cough ££££ cough cough)

He needs to suck you into staying and he thinks a bit of short term attention will get your hopes up.

No matter what anybody says it takes two to make a baby. If OP really wants one - is her current husband so much worse than a sperm donor?
In both cases she'll be doing it alone

No matter what anybody says it takes two to make a baby. If OP really wants one - is her current husband so much worse than a sperm donor? In both cases she'll be doing it alone

Except an anonymous donor wouldn't have the rights that her husband would. He could make life difficult for both her and their child, because he could. 🌹

Well some of the predictions were correct… it’s come to a head on holiday, we had a measured and calm conversation, and I think it’s now over. It’s now at the point it’s very much mutual.

Honestly just feel I’m at the bottom of a deep, dark pit and I’ve ruined my whole life.

In short term: I don’t even know when I go home if I stay there, go back to my parents, if I tell work, if I talk to other people eg my siblings etc (no one knows anything is wrong other than my parents and my very best friend).

In mid/long term: I’m terrified, feel like a huge failure, and like I will now probably die alone.

Sorry for the drama but needed to post somewhere. :(

Surely all you have learned from that male colleague is that he is immature and scared of commitment to family life himself.

If you want children, leave now. I had DC at 39 and 40. You still have time to meet someone who wants what you want.

It would be grim to be tied to someone who doesn't want sex and doesn't engage with his own children. Raising children and finding energy for sex while they are young is hard enough when you both have strong love and drive to do so.

You may feel at the bottom of the pit now, so the only way is up !

I believe you are 1/2 way thru the holiday ? if so you have a few days yet to think more.

I would probably mention it at work, in passing - ' dh and I have separated, it's early days yet, no one is at fault and we are both in agreement '

I would tell my siblings as your parents know.

If you decide to stay at your parents - put a time limit on it as now the decision has been made you need to get on - if I remember I think you can afford to stay in the house ? if so then by staying at your parents for x time it allows dh time and space to move out.

you haven't failed, it's one of these things. and it will get better.

Oh @purpledaisy240. You absolutely have not ruined your life. I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad.

Start with where you'll be living, keep the basics going like eating, sleeping, getting outside regularly. It will get better. 💐

You definitely haven't ruined your whole life! You're only a third of the way through it! It's hard to break up but I predict within a few months the shock will be gone, the relief will kick in and your excitement at having a whole new life ahead will give you energy.

This is going to pass and you will look back on it as a memory.

You've made a brave decision. (You could've buried your head in the sand). Its going to be hard. You'll get through it.

People won't be as surprised as you think.

Find the words to tell people. It is true that a problem shared is a problem halved. Text your siblings if you can't speak yet.

Hoping wise posters will come along and cheer you up.

@purpledaisy240 FWIW, I don't think anyone is a failure for correcting a big mistake or wrong turn in their life. I think it's a sign of immense courage and a really positive attitude to life. You don't want to settle.

And this.

Find your anger. And find a solicitor who will guide you though this

I think, when you return ' home ' after this holiday, that you will be repacking and going to your parents for one month - maybe 6 weeks max

that gives him one whole month to find somewhere, and 2 weeks to pack and move out

don't make it too long, don't drag out this mutual decision.

You will be OK. You need to find your inner strength. I divorced at 30, which I know is younger than you but it was the best thing I ever did. I went into dating being really brutal, not afraid of what I wanted, I promised myself I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. And honestly I met my current DH and he is wonderful. My life, though very very hard in the short term, changed for the better. I found myself, my voice again, and it was great.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. You are a successful, beautiful woman and you deserve a good man. And there are good men out there who want a family, plenty.

It's normal to feel this way right now. I split with my first husband in my 20's. I thought that would be it, alone forever. There were dark days. But I picked myself up, got myself a new house, and started my life afresh.

I did end up meeting someone a couple of years later, now happily married with children.

It's normal for you to grieve for the marriage and life you had envisioned. But I promise, you will build your life back to be happier than you were in your marriage.

Ah OP, 💔

I'm not surprised to read the update. The writing was on the wall here.

I know it feels awful; of course it does. It's a very tough place to be in.

But - you know you've made the right choice. In time, you'll be glad you did this, before you had DC, and had to grapple with an unhappy marriage with DC involved.

I've been that soldier. I got out of it but the DC end up dealing with the consequences, you can never really move on.

Not for a while, but you'll be ok. You really will.

You've both done the right thing.