To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

@purpledaisy240 I’m going to chime in again. I was around your age with a previous partner. (I’d had a previous break up with someone I thought I was really in love with). I gave him so much time to get himself sorted. If you are thinking like this you will never be happy with him.

The bottom line is that he just isn’t what you want.

And you don’t love him enough for the love/attraction to put the doubting voices to sleep.

There is nothing wrong with him not being what you want. That’s not his fault and it isn’t your fault. People grow in different directions. What would be your fault is if knowing how you feel you press on anyway.

I stayed for six years in a relationship like this. During that time I pursued some of my goals but stayed in the relationship for at least two years longer than I should have.

Rip the Band-Aid off now. Freeze some eggs. Give yourself a year and get out there. Do some stuff you want to do. If a good man who makes you weak at the knees doesn’t turn up then have a baby on your own.

Do not settle. You will look back with regret in 20 years. Or sooner.

My wonderful husband who I met after I finished that other relationship is the saving grace of my life. And dear god have we been through some crap in the last couple of years.

Be lucky!

@JohnMytton

You are free to do but there must be a cost to it. In country this used to be stigma and shame.

Imagine wishing someone experience shame for making a decision after much thought in order to be happy.

Imagine one of your children was desperately unhappy in their marriage, because they had grown apart from their partner, tried to fix it, tried to be closer, tried counselling and decided that although their partner was a decent person, they would be desperately unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of their life if they stayed in the marriage.

Imagine they came to you and told you all this. You'd say that despite all their efforts, their decision was shameful? Because your opinion sounds so strong it should surely apply to loved ones as much as strangers.

What an awful way to want to treat people. Wishing shame on people is genuinely cruel.

@JohnMytton

I boil with rage when I think all of those children whose families have been broken up by selfish adults who only think about themselves.

I wish my parents had split up sooner. They were desperately unhappy together despite no abuse or cheating.

They were my blueprint for relationships. I witnessed no real closeness, affection etc between them despite them trying and having counselling etc. They both took their vows very seriously.

If they had split I could have seen two happily single people or people who found love in a new relationship that made them happy.

I could have lived in two happy households instead of one unhappy one.

They split when I was 18. Stayed together 'for the kids' which made us feel equal parts sad, angry and guilty.

I'm not angry anymore, they did what they felt was best at the time. But they regret giving us that blueprint for relationships.

I'm sure you'll dismiss this but it's important to take on board other people's experiences in order to give an informed, sensible opinion.

@JohnMytton I'm pretty sure that when a man refuses to give his wife children, it was a ground for divorce even in the old days. I grew up in a religious family and the Christian view is that the purpose of marriage is family. Any priest would take a very dim view of a man who refuses to procreate. So wind your neck in, this guy doesn't even meet the fucking bible standard of a husband.

I've been with my DH for 25 years. All marriages have good years, not so good years and great years. But the love is always there. It sounds like you're having a not so good year. It could be down to lots of things. When it's a not so good year, that's when you have to put the work in to connect.
Obviously if your DH was an utter shit or being a bad husband, I'd have different advice. But just feeling a bit bleugh isn't a good enough reason to divorce someone you've committed to. Work on it.

Being happy and content is a top priority. Kids are awesome but they wont necessarily bring you contentment (and are hard work for many years).
Initially........ Id chat to your dh. How does he feel about the current circumstances.

OP, I was in your situation at the same age, facing the same question of whether I would ever have kids if I didn't stay. I chose to stay, and here are some points I would make:

if you have children with someone you are actively unhappy with, not only do the children tie you to him forever (even if divorced, you're never fully free of each other) but also: the children will resemble him as much as they do you, so if that's a dealbreaker, act now.

but: frankly, based not only on what I thought then but what I see around me now, it would have been most unlikely I'd have had kids if I'd left, and nowadays, 20+ years later, it looks even more unlikely for your age group. Is that a dealbreaker for you? For me, it would have been -- and even in retrospect I think I made my only possible choice. My children have been the joy of my life, every bit what I wanted, even when they were (are!) being difficult pains in the a**.

ultimately, here's the real point: you will never be sure. If you stay, you will continue to have times when you look at him and wonder why you didn't cut your losses. If you leave, you will wonder how different and better your life MIGHT have been and may feel that you missed your chance. You will not necessarily be right, but you will never be sure, because how can anyone be sure?

It would be one thing if your DH (or mine) were a lost cause. If he's rotten, go sooner rather than later. But I read a helpful book, still in print, called: To Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum, who asked what I still think, decades later, is the right question:

When it was good, was it really good? Or were you already "settling"? If it wasn't good when it was good, leave. But if there was a time when it really was good, there's hope: counselling now may help, but also, you may find that it's quite usual to swing in and out of the good times together. That I think is quite normal.

Oh, I forgot to add the outcome of my decision (apart from being so happy as a mother) I still have weeks, months, even years when I look at my husband and wonder why on earth I didn't leave when I could have. We've had some very, very rocky times a common one, btw, being when the children are very small and demanding. But I do also have the other times when I look at him and think: I'd have been mad to go. Even when he does things that don't feel good or kind, I feel that he is, fundamentally, a good kind person. Even at his worst, I could have done a lot worse.

In short... I still don't know, 20+ years later, whether I made the right choice.

@JohnMytton

Of course nobody should wish that anyone is unhappy.

But in your ideal world you'd have them stay unhappy rather than leave their marriage to have a chance of happiness.

If you think it's good for society to shame people for leaving unhappy marriages, you of course approve of individuals experiencing that shame.

How very odd to claim you believe the first thing without the second thing, when the logic follows.

What a mean spirited point of view.

Genuinely, a really horrible one.

@purpledaisy240

' he’s saying he wants a family with me, but then he has misgivings about it, and doesn’t think our relationship is in the right place to try right now. And I say OK, that’s a more than fair point, but if we take some time off to TTC to work in our relationship I need to know we’re ultimately working to the same goal and when we’re ready we’ll properly TTC… he won’t give that to me. He says all the TTC makes him feel under pressure

and he’s not sure he’ll ever be on that ‘journey’ with me.'

it's over, isn't it.

" He says all the TTC makes him feel under pressure and he’s not sure he’ll ever be on that ‘journey’ with me."

I think as someone has already said his attitude is actually a blessing as it is making it clearer he is not the man for you. I am so sorry OP.

I would cancel the holiday, go to your parents and get on with rebuilding your life. I think you both know it's over, by the sounds of it, but you are too scared to act and are stuck in this limbo where you're hoping it will magically all change.

Unfortunately that is very unlikely to happen- if you both had it in you for the relationship to work properly, it would. That doesn't mean you won't be happy with someone else, it just means you're not quite right for each other.

I would say pull off the plaster, go to your parents, take your pets with you and start arrangements for your new life.

It's terrifying and sad but honestly you will feel so much better, as you will have hope again. You are young and will have plenty of time to fall in love and have babies with the right person.

That's the wrong advice to give... 33 isn't that young anymore, a lot of women struggle with infertility at that age, she doesn't have time to waste. If she needs to leave her husband it needs to be soon and date to find mr right straight away. She's not going to get pregnant the second she meets that man, they will still need to date for a while before committing to a child.

It’s interesting that he actually knows too this relationship isn’t working.

It isn’t just that he’s not ready to have kids, he’s not up for it because something about the relationship feels wrong.

He’s right that bringing a kid into such a situation is not the right thing to do.

I would do what you suggest - bin the holiday and go and stay with your parents for a bit.

Essentially, the sooner you get out of this the sooner you can get into a more suitable relationship.

Thanks everyone. Been at office today and have just felt awful all day, I feel ok when in meetings / with my team and around people (but almost like playing a part) but just breaking down when I’m alone. I’m also dreading going home, haven’t had any interaction with my husband all day (left before he got up) on either side which isn’t typical for us and I just don’t know what sort of pain this evening has in store.

I have now shared the news with my parents that we are struggling and separation very much on the cards and they’ve been upset but extremely supportive and have told me I am welcome to come back to stay with them if I want to.

I’m totally torn on whether just to go now or whether to as per the original plan give it a few more weeks and give the holiday a go or just to leave now. I am conscious it’s been 2 days since the initial chat, maybe it’s too soon to give up but also still living like this is so painful and it almost feels like what’s the point as somewhere in my heart I am just not sure we can fix this. Obviously I’ve not asked my husband today as I’ve not spoken to him but my strong suspicion is based on last night that he wouldn’t want me to go back to my family now, wants to do the holiday, and what he’s hoping for is just a positive few weeks where we don’t argue all the time. But I don’t know how on EARTH I’m supposed to go home tonight and pretend everything is normal.

Another piece of context sorry is that my parents don’t live near my workplace and I am required to go to office other days this week and have social plans later in the week with people from work - so I can’t go back to them without taking time off - if I take time off feel like I have to tell my boss why, which just makes everything feel so much scarier and real. (In the mid term, my boss is extremely supportive of me in general so I believe I could agree with them in these circumstances that I could come to the office significantly less while I was staying with them).

The thing is, he can say what you want to hear while he waits for you to run out of time.
Your fertility will begin to decline many years before his will.

So many times a man promises soon soon soon until his partner is no longer able to have children. Then the final kick in the teeth is how often then then fuck off and get into a relationship with a younger woman and have the child with her they never wanted with you.

I wonder if it were he who was earning 4 x your salary, would you have even got to this point?

Having been in a sort of similar situation (leaving a husband without children), I think you should stay until after the holiday. I do think you should separate, BUT by staying, it helps with the inconvenience of work whilst being at your parents AND it will help you see it really is the end. If you left this weekend, you may still have "what ifs", but if you stay and go on the holiday and argue a lot etc., you'll realise that it's the right decision to break up.

Just from my experience, when I told him I wanted to separate, he refused to move back in with his parents (they only lived a mile away), I had nowhere else to go. We ended up living together for a further 6 months whilst we sold the house. During this time he begged me not to split up. But during this time, his behaviour was so appalling that it made me realise that I was definitely making the right decision.

When I told him I wanted to separate, I actually said, I wanted us to have therapy and go back to dating etc., to rebuild our failing marriage. He outright refused and said, that we stay together (without therapy or other help), or we divorce. No trial separation to try to rebuild etc. He was calling my bluff because he knew my religious parents were very anti-divorce. It didn't work, I then chose divorce. But living together those months, I was so glad.

I'm not suggesting you stay for months, that was hell, but a few weeks to see out the holiday and organise how it'll work with your work, should be enough for you, hopefully. Good luck.

Sadly I now think it's time to think about / talk about the practicalities:

The pets - they are clearly on your mind.
What are they ? how many etc.
Who is going to have them

The house - it's not a rental is it, I believe it is owned / on a mortgage ?
I think you are the higher earner ? can you afford it on your own ( with a lodger if really needed )
Can he afford it on his own

Which of you would be offered a bigger mortgage to buy the other one out ? either / neither / you ?

The holiday, is it abroad ?
Is there any chance there could be a name change and you could take a friend or he could take a friend ?
Will you lose all the money if neither of you go ?
Would either of you go on your own ?
Do you truthfully think and believe the two of you will cope on this holiday ?

As for work - you can self certificate for a week - ' stress ' if you feel you need to.

I think the holiday won't change you ending up in divorce. So it's now about how to sort out practicalities and how to manage separation. The feeling I get from your posts is like how it was when I knew in myself I should leave my ex boyfriend but I kept not doing it. Now with my DH no matter how challenging life has been I have

*how challenging life has been I have this peace in myself and I know I should be with him. That together we deal with anything and everything. It's just this calmness I have with him.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon points to think about are spot on.

I think it's time to get practical.
Don't go to your parents this week if it'll cause stress with work and isolate you from your friends. Aim to go when you need to and have more of a plan.

I'd really question the benefit of not officially breaking up before a holiday- I think it'll be easier to break up compassionately and kindly if you're clear that it's over (which both of you seem conscious of even if you're both on some level wishing that wasn't the case?)

You are understandably overwhelmed and unsure- I think the longer the ambiguity lasts, the worse this feeling will be. I would aim to stay at home this week, have proper talks with husband as they occur/at the weekend.

I really do feel for you. But you both deserve better- to be in a relationship with someone that you fancy the pants off and who is as on board with - or excited by- life plans like a baby as you are.

If the house is in your name / you can afford the mortgage/rent more than him, I imagine the kind thing to do would you to let him have a month or so there to find somewhere new while you stay at parents then you return there.