To leave my husband at 33 with no kids yet

[purpledaisy240]

Will try to keep brief/simple: I’m 33, DH is 35, I’ve not been very happy in my marriage for a while (these feelings have been ongoing about 6 months). We’ve been married 2 years, together 10.

My husband is a good man, in no way abusive, would be a good father. But I feel often like we’ve grown apart. Our sex life last year was very quiet. He wasn’t as committed to TTC as me which caused friction. I am the significant breadwinner which shouldn’t cause issues but sometimes does. In general - it just doesn’t feel RIGHT and hasn’t for a while. To put it in perspective I can’t remember the last day that went by when I didn’t think about this big question of whether I should leave.

We’ve communicated about issues and had one very serious conversation about 6 weeks ago. In some ways since then things have got better a bit, we’ve had sex 3 times in that period (which is great for us) and haven’t been arguing much, but… I am coming back and back on a daily basis to my doubts and I don’t know whether to pull the plug. But then I don’t know if this is stupid, and I haven’t given it enough time or effort yet.

I also want children and am conscious I’m already 33… would I be absolutely insane to start again fresh at this age, especially when I’m currently married to a kind man. Also, just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean divorce would be easy… we own property, he’d be financially in a very difficult position which brings me loads of guilt, we have pets, we have all kinds of holidays and family weddings etc booked this year. But I just sometimes wonder to myself if divorce is where this is all heading anyway…would I regret not leaving earlier when I was younger? but then what if we work it all out, then have a family here! A year ago I was mostly happy!

thoughts and similar experiences much appreciated.

Basically his message the other day was that he DOESN’T feel ready but is prepared to ‘compromise’ to not lose me….

He doesn’t want lose the cushy set up he has with you, out earning him by a stretch and doing most of everything else.

He doesn’t want to live alone in shit digs he can only just afford, where he has to do everything himself.

He can’t be arsed to ‘start again’.

That’s it.

You are ready for kids. He is not. So what does his ‘compromise’ look like exactly? Because you can’t be half-way with these things.

He’ll compromise and have more sex, but it can’t be unprotected.

Or he’ll have more sex but not around ovulation?

Or he’ll have more sex with you but you’re not allowed to mention tracking or ovulation because he finds it ‘unsexy’?

Please, please don’t shackle yourself further to a man who has reached mid thirties and isn’t ready for kids if you want them. He either won’t ever be ready, or he won’t ever be ready with you (this one hurts), or he’ll suddenly decide he can’t do it and you’ll be left either pregnant or with a young baby.

This man is flakey and is desperately trying to waste yet more of your time.

God life is too short Op. he is not committing to TTC with HIS WIFE -
ludicrous.
totally ridiculous
Walk, take a break and move on

Mate, he doesn't want to start a family. He's stringing you along, you're his WIFE. Not some woman he's just met. You are prolonging the inevitable, I can't see there's a way back from all this. However, if you need to go through this cycle in order to move on and feel you tried, then by all means do. But don't kid yourself that this will get any better.
You deserve more than this from your husband.

You're worried about not having a plan for having a baby, hats what this all comes down to.

The relationship isnt right for either of you but it's not bad enough to prompt a split.

You can have a baby without him.

I think you need to take a leap of faith, fuck the holiday, the pets, the family. Initiate the split and things will fall into place. Thinking about those things is like poking a wound- it isnt helping, it's only hurting.

Imagine, really imagine you've broken up. Do you feel relief?

So I think the ‘compromise’ would be even though he’s not ready he’d try anyway as he says he does see that eventually he’d want a family… but he did also say he’s not sure now’s the right time with our relationship like this…

I’ve said a couple of times, you’re 35, if you’re not ready now when do you think you will be, and he gets v irritated at this!

I really appreciate what everyone’s saying, but when the holiday is literally next Saturday (ie not this weekend but weekend after) I think I’ve got to go on it because if I don’t I’ll always think to myself maybe I should have given it more time, this is the first time I’ve been black and white to him that he might lose his marriage over this and maybe this is what will shake him into action. Also, I do, fundamentally love him and even if we do end then at least it’s 1 last holiday….

Thanks for this cos I also have said to him a few times you’re making me feel like I’m a crazy 22 year old who’s been seeing you a few months when I’m a 33 year old woman who’s been married two years! Wanting a baby in those circumstances is normal!

Thanks for this as this is a really good idea and I also think you’re right, will tell me what I need to know

However, and as many PP have pointed out, I do love him - and my gut feeling is that I have a better chance of having a baby with him if I stay than with someone else if I leave.

But you don’t have a baby with someone because you have “a better chance” of one, you do it because it’s what you both want, your relationship is secure, and you foresee yourselves still together in 20 years. None of this is true here.

Gently: he's saying what he needs to so you'll stay together. You both love each other and have been together a while, but you just don't want the same things in this relationship. Maybe in a year you'll meet someone and not want kids with them; maybe in a year he'll meet someone and have children immediately. But in this relationship, you are each looking for different things, and at the moment you are both pretending the other person is saying something different so you can hold on to being together.

When a baby is born, those first few years are so stressful and difficult. A couple needs to know that they went into it together, both wanting it equally, both looking to help each other out as much as possible and giving their time, effort and love into making their new family as supported, happy and cared-for as possible.

Looking at most threads on MN, you can see what happens to women when that isn't the case.

Good luck, OP x

If you stay with him, and plan to ttc, one of these things will happen:

• He will constantly defer the ttcing, taking away your remaining fertile years, you'll eventually leave, too late to ttc with anyone else. He will fall for someone else and she will be pregnant within the year

• You and he will ttc, successfully, and the other issues in the marriage will not only remain, but be highlighted, he will do little to no parenting, and when you raise it (legitimately) he will throw the old "well, you wanted this baby, I didnt" in your face. Ultimately, you and he will separate and attempt to co parent, begrudgingly on his part as he doesn't want dc (he just doesn't want to lose you, because lots of men just like their bed warm, dinner made and a girlfriend/wife to reference in coversation)

• He will agree to ttc now, but his sex drive will be rock bottom (much as it is now), you will get frustrated, he will promise the earth, and it will go round and round, using up your few remaining fertile years, until you grow to hate him.

Alternatively; you leave, knowing you tried your best and gave him plenty of opportunity to grow and work on the marriage, hurt for a while, then move on. Babies may or may not present themselves down the road, but also, they might. And the circumstance they inevitably come along into have got to be better than the options at the top.

Don't have kids in this situation.

You're sexually incompatible.

You resent that you're the higher earner and ambitious while he wants to stay stuck where he is.

If you had kids you'd have to go back to work and continue to be the breadwinner. Could you rely on him to pick up the slack with housework and childcare or would that fall on you too?

If you split and he was seen as 'primary cater' of any children, you might have a tricky custody situation on your hands - he could take have of everything plus the kids and you would be the non-resident parent.

You are flogging a dead horse here I feel. I think if he won't consider counselling then you absolutely must walk away. However I think he doesn't want counselling as he doesn't want to be honest with you.

@purpledaisy240 I remember very well the pain that you are in at the moment. Is horrid and all consuming.

The holiday, the pets, the house are all just noise.

The central issue is the relationship.

When you find the right relationship you know they have got your back and you have theirs. You agree over fundamental stuff. Do we want a baby? Yes/no.

I agree with the other posters that if you stay another two years will just disappear.

The disparity over salary and his lack of engagement in building the life that you want are red flags.

What was it like when you got married? Was it wonderful and joyful? You need that to keep going with someone in life. Not someone to grudging go along with what you want.

I’m really sad for you, OP. I’m sure he’s a nice guy to have a beer with or whatever, but what he’s doing to you is really, really shit.

It was very wonderful and joyful when we got married and I thought it would be that way forever :( we were so happy all through lockdown, even the first half of last year, before this conversation started happening and things going downhill. Even now, we still have so much fun together - that’s what makes all of this so hard! I’m scared of giving up the ‘love of my life’ when if I had worked on it a bit longer things would have come round.

But like I said in my very first post, I can’t remember the last day of my life I didn’t wonder if I should leave. Genuinely maybe it was about last September. And with everything kicking up a notch this week, these thoughts are now every minute.

Today we haven’t even spoken about this conflict at all and have just behaved and acted like things are totally normal and although it’s less exhausting everything just feels so fake.

Thanks, this is helpful. My big fear if I don’t leave is that option 3 is where this is going.

Option 1 just now won’t happen, I’m just not going to accept an indefinite deferral of ttc. Need to be strong.

Part of me (a part I’m not proud of) wonders if option 2 would be better than leaving and being childless forever but I know that is not fair on a potential child or probably my mental health.

guess what I’m hoping for is a secret fourth option where we end up together forever and have a happy family and everything else is sorted… but my head somewhere knows this is unrealistic…

guess what I’m hoping for is a secret fourth option where we end up together forever and have a happy family and everything else is sorted… but my head somewhere knows this is unrealistic…

This is natural. But the sad truth is, he’s 35, you’re his wife, you seem to love each other and he still doesn’t want kids yet.

His sex drive is in the gutter, he doesn’t earn much or do much, and he’s only ‘compromising’ because you’re halfway out the door.

he’s not sure he’ll ever be on that ‘journey’ with me.

He has made a decision. He’s made the decision not to decide. Which is a decision in itself.

This

It's all well and good him not being ready for children, and this is a perfectly reasonable explanation in his 20s. However, when you're in a marriage and especially when there are question marks about fertility, there needs to be give and take on the readiness to account for fertility, body clock etc. this happens when both parties want children because both parties are sensible enough to know that "ideally" isn't always possible for a number of reasons.

From everything you've said - he doesn't want children! He doesn't want sex, doesn't want to "fix" why he doesn't want sex, won't access any therapies, together or alone and he's relying on you just accepting it and not even talking about it properly.

Having been there, I'm the first person to understand that it's a process for you and you have to get to that critical point before pulling the plug. This holiday is just another step in the process, not the solution you're hoping it will be.

I have PCOS and a DS by IVF because of it. That process is long and not very nice, if he doesn't want children by having sex, he won't want them by IVF either.

Thanks all.

Latest update - we haven’t actually spoken about this issue since Tuesday, but also haven’t seen much of each other in that time (when we have, we’ve acted totally normal and affectionate). I have a horrible feeling (although he hasn’t said this) that my DH’s ideal scenario is that we just don’t talk about this again for a few months.

I was with a group of work friends last night all of whom are 2-3 years younger than me and they were talking about partners and even when my DH came into conversation I couldn’t bring myself to be positive about him or my marriage and would just change the topic ASAP as soon as he came up.

On the way home I honestly thought I was going to have a panic attack as this entire thing is just so sad, I felt like that whole group are moving on with their lives when I’m potentially just about to throw mine away and start it over again. Living like this is so horrible.

1 week til the holiday, I’m going to go on it (especially as have made it this far) but still don’t know how to approach it in terms of communication of our issues etc.

@purpledaisy240

Your last post says it all. Sadly, I don't think there's a future here, no matter what you try, and I think you know that.

I know you said he wasn't previously open to counselling. I think it's worth suggesting again; not really because it will save the marriage but perhaps as a way to mutually end it, understand the issues & achieve closure.

Good luck.

It's sounding more and more like he's not the man you want him to be.

A nice man perhaps.

But not the husband and father you're looking to spend the rest of yoi life with.

have a horrible feeling (although he hasn’t said this) that my DH’s ideal scenario is that we just don’t talk about this again for a few months.

I'd maybe ask him this on holiday. "After our chat the other day. What's your ideal scenario now?"

Is he entirely passive? Is he going to watch and ignore as you tell him your needs, then step out of the building? Or does he have some actual balls?

I have a horrible feeling (although he hasn’t said this) that my DH’s ideal scenario is that we just don’t talk about this again for a few months.

No, his real ideal scenario is that you never mention having children again because he's made it clear he's not interested, and he just wants his easy life to continue on with no hassle or interruption.

Where do you live OP? I find that in London, it's very normal to be unmarried and without kids at 33. In fact 33 might be unusually young. But it is different in more rural or less metropolitan places so I think where you live might be clouding your views of what constitutes a "red flag"