DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

Yes if he’s seen them already and you’ve got a lot to sort out as a family (OP’s post suggests that). If he’s at home for longer they could come later on but not immediately. Both of us would see it that way.

I would respond and say the following month/ the one after that works better. No need to give a reason. You’re entitled to wanting time as a family unit first.

OP has already explained that between her and her DH their SOP is that while he is on such deployments she has complete discretion to decide what goes on at home, and how she answers questions.

OP, i still think you need to say: nope. We will be having 6 months worth of sex, and you were horrible to the DCs about you seeing him first last time.

Fellow military wife here… yanbu to want the first bit of time together… surviving deployment is such a feat you need to have down time together. I don’t understand why he has to see them first though, do they live really close to the arrival location?
i would just let them know that DH can make a plan for their visit once his date is confirm and that you’ll all need space to decompress together before they arrive.
well done though op, 6/12 is such a long time to fly solo. Almost there!!

The number of people unable to comprehend the op and then subsequent updates is terrifying!
Since he is already visiting mil (even if briefly) before coming back to you then you are entirely reasonable to say no them then visiting you in the first month. I would have said no even without him visiting them first. People have no idea how difficult it is for a family to get used to all being together again after a deployment, you definitely deserve the space to readjust!!

I think I'd try to hold off on a decision by suggesting you all wait until dates are a bit more set and also comment that you will be aiming to have at least 2-3 weeks alone as a family to catch up properly, seeing as he's missed so much while away, then finish with a breezy 'I'm sure we can squeeze a long weekend in' or something.

Like, keep it light but also get the message across that you all need time alone!

Tell in laws to bugger off, you want a sexy reunion with DH and they will be in the way.

from the pov of the DC in this scenario, btw, it used to take us at least a week to get used to having 2 parents back in the house (and to work out, as we got older that we could deffo play on his dad-guilt to get stuff that we wouldn't normally be allowed)

Add to that what MIL said about the cousins before, sod her.

And sure, as parents you'd all want to see your DS asap. Unfortunately, his nuclear family is (should be) his first priority when he gets back. Not least to relieve his wife of having all the responsiblity for everything, as well as the added worry you have when they're deployed.

I have a lifetime of experience of this. MIL is out of order.

Clearly your MiL is being unreasonable in a few ways.

You and your children need time with your husband, and their Father. That is not selfish. It is a need, not a want. Sounds like you’ve had a heck of a time and your husband will also need time to assimilate and process that and then how it impacts your family unit which won’t be at all easy with your MiL there.

I imagine if roles were reversed MiL would keep the bubble herself, if that assuages any feelings of guilt, however it potentially might fan the feelings of frustration with her..

Just tell her that it will be lovely to see her in April, at or after Easter and for her to give DH an extra hug and kiss from you all when she sees him straight off tour.

Nah not if they've not bothered to visit when you've been on your Jack Jones. Tell them it doesn't suit but DH will contact them when he's back and settled into family life.

Also the amount of people not RTFT is amazing on this one 😂

Dear mil

having thought about it and discussed it with the children - please don’t book any dates. We’ve had a lot going on and I’ve really missed my husband and dealt with a lot of stress on my own this past deployment and I need to catch up and spend some time with him as husband and wife - as I’ve been a single parent these last 6 months. The kids have also been without their father and they need to have him home and reboot with his some attention on them and me in our family. When we have spent some weeks catching up then we can see if it might be possible to arrange a visit - but at the moment - we need him home on his own for a while. Hope you understand

keep it light

Exactly. A six month deployment with no contact is stressful for everyone. As a mum of adults (including one who was in a relationship with someone who had such deployments...) I know that MIL would have been really anxious about him too. So though she has been tactless in the past and not communicative, it's still not the time to give her the kind of lecture that some have proposed.

Lighting the touch paper of a family row just as he returns isn't going to help anyone.

Daily contact does not apply to sailors and soapdodgers!!!

This.

And stop doing all the running when he is away. your kids are obviously off enough to use phones / email if they want to contact their GP. And vice versa.

Good grief - what planet is your MIL on, @Thedryjanuarydiaries? I have zero experience of military life, but I am a MIL, and I know my son is going to put his family - his wife and child - ahead of me, and I would expect nothing less. Their well being and happiness matters more to me than my own.

If my son had to be away for months on end, I can’t imagine pushing into those precious weeks after he got home - it is so obvious to me that that is family time, and my time with him and the family would not be the priority.

And that is before I consider any of the comments she has made, about giving him his first kiss when he got home last time, or his cousins hugging him first - or her horrible comment about him not wanting to come home (which is unforgivable in my book). Frankly I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to see her at all, but as you may not have that option, I’d second the posters who have said you politely tell her that the first few weeks after he gets home will not be suitable for them to visit, but once your dh is home and you can talk to him about it (without having to resort to telepathy, as you’d have to now), you’ll set a date.

i think some folk are incapable of imagining where he must be to be so uncontactable... living beside the base i can imagine 😂

YANBU to want a few weeks to yourselves when he is first back to deal with all of the family stuff and for you to get a bit of a break where you're not "performing" for guests. i'd just say to MIL what the earliest date that would be ok is.

I think I would say

'We don't actually know that he'll be home by then - I've been told it could be as late as x date. As we won't know until much nearer the time, best leave it till after that, then you'll be sure to have time to catch up'

x date being the earliest you would be happy to see them.

And maybe try to plan to have a few days around mil's when he first gets back, so she can't pull that really shitty 'trump card' on you this time...

YANBU! They will see him as he will meet up with them on route - however it happens.
I would leave it open ended and give them a chance to visit towards the end of his leave. That way you get to enjoy family time without any outside influences which I imagine you, DH and DC will all want and need.
I grew up with my Dad away at sea for months at a time but we all loved family time when he came home. He would be home 2 to 3 months and then be sent off to the next ship he would command as a Merchant Sea Officer. Make the most of your precious time.

Difficult to say without knowing the MIL's side of the story as to why theres not been much contact over the last 6months.

And a quick pop in to pick something up, is not really a visit, unless he's staying a few days.

Wives (im guilty of it) forget that mums need and want to see their children as well and they must of missed your DH very much.

I would say no

I would just say no it doesn’t suit, how about these dates instead.

"Hi MIL, we would love to see you very soon, but DH, the children, and I will need a bit of time to settle back into family life when he gets back home from deployment. Let's see when he returns and make a plan."

Sorry OP, I haven't read the full thread, but you said you don't understand where people are getting the idea that your DH is only home for a month. Re-reading your first post you say 'they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home'. This also gave me the impression that he was only home for one month, but perhaps someone has already pointed this out to you. Anyway, I definitely think you should tell MIL that she'll have to wait and give you at least 6 weeks before any visits take place. I would have said a month, but she gets to wait an extra 2 weeks, for the snide comments about her seeing him first! What a bitch! Bet you're glad you don't see her too often?

@GoonieGang

From someone who has absolutely zero knowledge of forces, I’d think he’d want to come home kiss his kids and have copious amounts of sex with the Mrs.

That's pretty much spot on

I’d just say those dates don’t suit and suggest some you think are more suitable.

Probably not worth opening a debate about why they don’t suit.