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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

444 replies

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 11:14

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 16:07

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/02/2024 16:05

I was thinking that or at least wondered what his views were and what's been discussed between OP and DH

Show quote history

I give up!!! 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
piscesangel · 02/02/2024 16:12

I'm not usually in the 'no is a complete sentence' camp but this might be one of the times it's ok!

I'd just say straight out that you've got a lot of family business to catch up on and they're welcome to visit after X date (a month after he's expected back). Even lean in to her excitement over her getting to see him first - maybe if she feels she has that 'win' she'll back off?

FairyBatman · 02/02/2024 16:13

I have been in your shoes and I would say that he needs time with him children first so they can come for a few days in week 3.

FairyBatman · 02/02/2024 16:15

Oh and I’d tell them not to book a hotel until he is alongside.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/02/2024 16:15

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/02/2024 12:48

I'd just say you can't commit to anything until he's actually home, then he needs time to settle back into the family dynamic (and you and DC adjust to having him home again too) then they can come to visit. By my reckoning from a DH who spent months at a time working away when our DC were young, that's going to be a minimum of 3 weeks from when he gets home for the family dynamic to settle down to normal again. As they get to see him before you all do, I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell them to book to come and visit at least a month after he returns.

This is so much better than the it doesn't work for us / fuck off responses

JanuarySlog · 02/02/2024 16:16

Hmm. I think yabu as I can imagine they are desperate to see their son, however I can see that it would be better for him to have some time with you guys first to get back into the groove of family life.

If he's back for ages I'd say to them to visit later, after he's been back with you all for a while. I'd put a positive spin on it though and say you're all looking forward to catching up with them properly blah blah.

Hope the return goes well. You must gave all missed him terribly.

muddyford · 02/02/2024 16:16

You need time as a family unit before anyone else joins in. It'll take him a week or so at least to readjust to family life. Tell them you will let them know when you are ready to be visited.

TempleOfBloom · 02/02/2024 16:19

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 11:35

I’m not sure where everyone is getting that DH is only back for a month…

The only reference I gave to a month was hoping that’s how long we would have together being in our little post deployment bubble before back to the really world family visiting etc

This: MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

You make it sound as he is home for a month. The month he is home.

I would just be honest with her. Say she must be longing to see him, as are you. You are happy for her that she will see him on his way home but to be honest you need time to settle and sort out all your family stuff before you can give the time that hosting visitors involves. And you will be happy to agree a date for a visit once you know his return date more precisely.

darkmodeera · 02/02/2024 16:24

You and your kids come first for seeing your husband no question. Just do what you want. Must be very hard not seeing him for so long. You have him to yourselves for abit!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/02/2024 16:26

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 14:15

@Godzillaisjusthangry this made me laugh so much, I’m presuming you are/were in the army and are wrongly generalising your service with all.

DH is NOT army and is indeed uncontactable, there is no internet/phone line where he is due to complete secrecy and security.

Any births, deaths, accidents are sent coded /encrypted means and are delivered to the CO in charge at the end of trip…no one wants to get a pipe at the end of a trip!

As a further laugh I certainly can’t be contacting FPS asking them to break DH’s service of UK continuity protection to ask if his folks can come to visit!

Just so you’re clear, what you have spouted is complete bullshit!!

Edited

He's a spy or mercenary!!

Sunshine322 · 02/02/2024 16:29

TonTonMacoute · 02/02/2024 16:00

Dear MIL

those dates dont work for us, let's fix a date after DH gets back and I can discuss it with him.

I would also just say this. He has been gone 6 months and needs to prioritise getting to know his children again.

Fraaahnces · 02/02/2024 16:30

“Dear MIL, as you will be seeing him before he even sees his wife and kids I would prefer it if you arranged to visit after his deployment has finished.. It doesn’t suit my family to have visitors when we have a lot to catch up on and events planned for the very short time he is back. The kids need time to have their Dad to themselves to get to know him again.”

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 02/02/2024 16:32

Thedryjanuarydiaries · 02/02/2024 16:07

I give up!!! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

left thread, came back and didn't realise many more pages had blossomed into existence - I now realise he is incommunicado in an arena where only codes messages can be used . Sound a tough way to live - good luck

SendOver · 02/02/2024 16:35

My DH has worked away from home all our married life, first with the forces and then as a civvy.
I can't imagine telling his parents or other family members that they can't visit on his short visits home.
So I'm saying that you're being very unreasonable.

Notonthestairs · 02/02/2024 16:36

She didn't say it was a short visit home.

ToothFairy2023 · 02/02/2024 16:37

I’d agree with you, you all need time to regroup and adjust as a family unit before having IL’s descend upon you even if they are not staying with you it does change things.

I would send a short reply. Thank you for your message. We would all love to see you but what we really need first is to spend a few weeks together as family on our own before your visit. So please could you schedule your visit from X dates or after Y dates. Thanks

Tryingmybestadhd · 02/02/2024 16:40

Tell them you need family time and you will update them when and if you feel ready to have visitors .

Lillers · 02/02/2024 16:40

I haven’t read the whole thread but have read your posts, OP.

To me, there seems to be a handy out in the fact that you don’t know exactly when he’ll be home, and therefore it doesn’t make sense for your in-laws to visit at the beginning because they might end up being booked in before he’s arrived home.

I’d reply compassionately, something like, “We would love to have you visit, but maybe I could suggest XX dates, as we know he’ll definitely be back and settled in then.”

Until you go back with a counter offer of different dates, you won’t know how fixed they are on the dates they’ve suggested.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/02/2024 16:41

TempleOfBloom · 02/02/2024 16:19

This: MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

You make it sound as he is home for a month. The month he is home.

I would just be honest with her. Say she must be longing to see him, as are you. You are happy for her that she will see him on his way home but to be honest you need time to settle and sort out all your family stuff before you can give the time that hosting visitors involves. And you will be happy to agree a date for a visit once you know his return date more precisely.

Show quote history

I read that completely differently - not as the month he is home, but as the month he is due home.

For example, if DH is due home in April - they want to come visit in April. There is no indication he will be leaving in May.

SendOver · 02/02/2024 16:45

Notonthestairs · 02/02/2024 16:36

She didn't say it was a short visit home.

I meant on my DH short visits home.

MarkWithaC · 02/02/2024 16:49

I'd say a flat no. He's seeing them on his way back.
But more to the point, comments about who gets the first hug or he might not want to come back Hmm are unacceptable. It is toxic and undermining even in a 'normal' family, and I can only imagine how hard it is being a services family; you do not need this.
On a separate occasion, after she's been told no to this visit, I'd be having serious words about this.

Beautiful3 · 02/02/2024 16:50

If he's already seeing them before coming home, I'd encourage him to stay over there a couple of nights. That way there's no need for them to come over.

notawittyname1954 · 02/02/2024 16:52

I understand why your husband's parents want to see him but they will be doing that first and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to want to have a family bubble for a month when he gets home. You all have to re adjust to being being back together. They can come after that month.

NamingConundrum · 02/02/2024 16:57

If they're seeing him before coming home it must he immediately before? So if he's going from theirs to yours what would happen if he's delayed and they're already at yours? I'd just say something along lines of 'will be lovely to see you when DH is back but we don't have a firm date yet so we shall arrange when he's back'.

GoonieGang · 02/02/2024 17:00

Fuck knows. It’s stressing me out just reading it.
From someone who has absolutely zero knowledge of forces, I’d think he’d want to come home kiss his kids and have copious amounts of sex with the Mrs.
I get he has other family but just tell them you’ll arrange something when he’s home.
Im sure you and the kids would be his first priority anyway, he can arrange to see the rest of his family when he’s back.