DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

They’re his parents. I’d be very upset if my son went home and didn’t visit me or didn’t invite me to visit them.

I think you probably know your husband well enough to know what he would want, whether or not you can contact him.

I know my DH would absolutely want to spend a solid chunk of time reconnecting with me and the kids before he saw extended family because they're just not close at all. So I would feel no conflict or guilt about protecting that time and delaying the in-laws. On the other hand, DH would know that if I had been deployed, I would want to see my mom and siblings within the first couple of weeks of being home, after spending a week or so just with him and the kids.

I would make whatever decision you think will make your husband the happiest based on his relationship with his parents. I wouldn't base it on the effort (or lack thereof) that they've made with all of you. I think that's to be addressed at another time.

Well that's great and all but completely irrelevant as that's not what's happening here is it?

They will have the luxury of seeing him first once he gets back and then all the OP is asking for is a bit of time together as a family so she and the children can spend some much needed quality time together before having his family over.

She's hardly saying they can never visit in fact if anything I'm sure she would have been delighted at a visit at any point in the past 6 months...

I'd say no, it looks like they're coming to muscle in on dad's time.

Your kids deserve 💯 % of his time.

And how! MiL needs to wait her hurry. Wife and kids come first.

@Thedryjanuarydiaries just say no. His own family unit comes first. A convenient date for them to visit can be set when he returns.

I just don’t get why people don’t understand that deployment end dates are not always precise.

So. Most Mumsnet MIL threads are "she's not my mum-why would I want to see her? She insists on visiting!" Until this one which is "She never visits-why should I make allowances for her now?"!

@Thedryjanuarydiaries I would say to mil "Can we make firm plans when we're sure of dates?" then offer a firm choice between two weeks at the time that suits you best.

So surely that makes it really simple?

If he can't have a say then you don't know if/ when they can visit.

They'll have to wait until he gets back and he can talk to them - you can't just arrange it without him.

That gives you a really easy get-out clause, surely.

Sorry but I'm a bit baffled why you've started the thread if he's not contactable, as the answer is so simple.

Could it not be decided once your husband is home and see how everything feels after a few of days? Do they have to plan it now?

Honestly, if she’s like my in laws, I’d say no and know that my partner would back me up on that. But maybe he’ll want them to visit?

Whats the sexuality ‘change’? Like a child thought she was straight but has told you they’re gay? And proms and birthdays don’t really need to be ‘processed’, do they? 😬 I think you’re making excuses with lots of these things, but I get that if you just don’t want her there if she’s a nightmare.

My friends husband was in the navy and when he used to come home, they both felt the need to have a couple of weeks just them. It was always a difficult adjustment for them both as even when they were both used to their set up, it wasn’t an easy one. They used to row a lot and make up a lot when he was home. 😅 Their daily lives were worlds apart for months and then all if a sudden they were trying to live like a regular couple which was extremely hard even though they are both lovely people and love each other so much. There’s no way they would have wanted MIL around too much. 😬

They love their child your DH, as much as you love your DC. Of course they want to see him.

Wow, what a massive wanker! I can see why you feel the way you do. With ppl like that it’s all about not allowing them to see any kind of a reaction as that’s what they love. It sounds like jealousy. What a bitch tho for rubbing your DD’s faces in it as well!

You said he'd be seeing his parents when "picking something up" @Thedryjanuarydiaries, so I wonder if it would work for him to spend a couple of days with them before coming back to you, rather than a quick in-and-out?

I realise that would mean two days less with you, but if he's (hopefully!!) home for a while it might work pout better than having to host them?

OP - I've read all your updates and a number of replies. It is quite clear that quite a large section of Mumsnet don't 'get' that the usual 'DH's parents, DH's problem' doesn't apply here.
YANBU to say no. Your DH has been away for a period of time, it is quite right and proper that you, as a family unit, have time to reacquaint as exactly that before other family and friends get involved. Be polite and offer an alternative, a month or so later. Good luck :)

I would say no it's not convenient - you have family over. Ask them to come the month before.

Say no. He needs to spend some time alone with his kids and wife before others start visiting. His kids need to be given priority here.

(Pssst OP it is easy to misread your post as saying that the PILs want to come during the month that DH will be back home.)

I think YANBU to ask them to come after he's been back for a month or so. But I think you should be honest about why - 'there's been a lot of personal stuff going on with the kids while he's been deployed and you suspect we all need a bit of time to decompress and get to know one another again. It's difficult to say no but you really hope they understand and it will be so lovely to see you after a bit of bedding in time.'

I would say no. It must be very tough on your own - you need time together as a family .

I think we share a MIL , this is exactly the stunts she would pull.

I assume your husband is in the navy, I relate to some of the things you are saying so apologies if I’m wrong. My husband is a submariner. We have dealt with this and honestly, absolutely not!!! Once your husband is home and settled then your husband can decide when and how long he wants to see them and make arrangements at that stage.

happy homecoming ❤️

I'll go against the grain and say let his mum see him! If he is only home for a month why can't everyone see him? I think it's harsh to limit his own mum to a flying visit on the way past.

FFS he’s not only home for a month!!!

I honestly don’t think that would work for the op or her dh.

having personal experience of this , if my dh is back in the country then he is coming home to us :)

You want a month with a man before he can see his parents wtf??? Are you planning on shagging the whole time. He's proh knackered fighting from all the wars. He won't wanna be running here there everywhere anyways. Back a week you will have caught up then. Inlaws come then and stay in a hotel

I think you are more than reasonable refuse a visit. However I wouldn’t actually say “no”, I’d say something like “We’re wanting a quiet month together when DH returns home, but we’d love if you could visit in x month”. Then it sounds more positive, but still gets you your time. Obviously if she pushes you may just have to be blunt, but hopefully she will take the hint.

Sad they don’t visit the kids or help at all when DH is away!

MIL has asked OP that's why she has posted.

Forces wives/spouses have to do the heavy lifting and make all the decisions when their other halves are on deployment. They can't wait for hubby/wifey to come home and tell them what to do and nor should they. OP is probably well aware how her DH would feel about them visiting too soon and she should have a say too.

It's a distruptive lifestyle and it's important for marriages and families to have time to reconnect (it's usually quite honeymoon-like initially) and then get back to some kind of normal.

RTFT