DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

I would say that you will discuss with DH and then basically no. ( I would then 4 weeks or so after he has come back send him and the kids to see the ILs and book myself into a spa weekend)

Yanbu. He's seeing them first, and if they were that desperate to see you and the kids, they could've come any time in the last 6 months. Plus you're not saying they can't come at all, just that you'd like a month to settle in again together
Perfectly acceptably imo.

@Thedryjanuarydiaries even if he wasn't seeing his Mum on the way back home, you are, most definitely, NOT unreasonable in setting your own timescale for a visit. 🌸

How exactly are you intending on wording this?
”hi PILs, sorry, but I don’t want you here when your DS returns home”
”Hi DH, your mum and dad want to visit when you’re home. I’ve told them no. That’s ok isn’t it?”

Send something like this:
Hi MiL,
I believe that DH will be seeing you on his way home to us so it really wouldn't be convenient for you to accompany him or to join him or us when he gets home to his family here.
We have been open for visits from you and to seeing you throughout his deployment overseas but you never once visited so it is difficult to see why you would want to see us all when he is here, particularly as it hasn't been paramount for you to see your grandchildren during his recent deployment. It also caused them a lot of pain and anguish when they learned that their cousins saw their daddy days before they did on his return back in XXXX, so it would be appreciated if you could keep such information to yourself in future so as to avoid a repeat of that.
We'll be in touch at some point during DH's leave so that we can all meet up but for the time being, the kids and I would greatly appreciate time with DH to be a family once more, so I'm going to have to decline your request to visit when he gets home, at least at the moment.

Hope you and FiL are doing well.

All the best,

@Thedryjanuarydiaries

Or words to that effect.

The way the above is written means that if she shows it to your DH, he can't possibly be annoyed with you because you've mentioned that they haven't visited at all during his deployment to see their grandchildren so it really is him they are coming to see and he'll see them on his way back to you.

Hope you have a wonderful time catching up with your DH!

Don't send any snaky, passive aggressive nonsense. Just say "that isn't convenient how about some time in (month) when we've all settled down?"

In what way do you expect the MIL to be supportive from 9 hours away?

I think it’s perfectly fine to send a brief but kind message back saying you need a bit of time as a family first before visiting.

Just push back a bit on the suggested dates she’s given and suggest an alternative date that gives your DH time to adjust back before welcoming visitors.

Most people would absolutely understand and I would hope that your MIL does as well. Especially since she will actually be seeing him first anyway.

Well, just phoning and asking how they are is supportive.

Do people really write this kind of formal telling off to family (including in-law) members?

Does no-one just pick up the phone and have an amicable chat? Or message something that doesn't sound as though a robot wrote it, having been given the instruction to get the recipients back up?

There's really no need to drop that little bomb in there so that DH has to spend his return trying to mollify his mum.

A bit of informality...

"Hi MIL. you must be excited to see him, and I'm glad you're getting the chance to greet him before he comes home.
I'm really hoping that he, I and the kids can spend the first few weeks re-bonding as a lot's gone on here that he needs filling in on and we're going to need some time and space I think. So can I ask you to hold off your visit for a while, and we can fix a date once he's home?
I hope all's well with you and FIL. Take care, dryJanuary"

Have you actually considered that he might be on a sub?

OP has explained that her husband is not contactable due to the nature of his deployment, so both the decision and the communication of it fall to her.

This guy must really be something. Everyone fighting over who gets the first hug and who gets to spend time with him.

I get that it’s Forces and it’s a lifestyle choice to marry into that, but god I could not stand this. It must be really difficult for everyone to adjust when he’s back. Six months is a really long time.

"Hi MIL, would be lovely to see you. Preferred date range a month later would be better for us. Would best week in that range work? Looking forward to it. "

Fin.

@Thedryjanuarydiaries

My reply would be something like this.

Hi, yes it would be lovely to see you both. The week (whenever is best for you) would be great as we have some family stuff planned first. Or anytime after that. Let me know. Xx

What a revolting woman MIL sounds. Being snarky to you is maybe par for the course for some MILs. But to tell her grandchild "Don't worry your cousin gave your DF a kiss for you...."!!!!!!!!!! No. For that alone I would tell them to GTF. Does your DC really need a Grandma who would do that. I am incandescent on OP's and her DC's behalf.

@viridiano Another one…

read the thread!!!

DH is operationally deployed and is unable to be making any such decisions..

The message from MIL was to me!!

It would be a definite no from me.

She sounds awful. Imagine gloating to your own grandchildren that their father hugged your first. Imagine asking your own grandchildren if they think their father is happier elsewhere and having more fun without them because of the weather.

I would not only say no, I'd be having serious words.

He can’t though. He’s deployed. That’s why I’ve also said a joint decision on when they come can be made when he is home.

Can't you point out to her that his dates aren't certain so better to make plans with her when the dates are more certain.

If he's seeing her first to pick something up could she bring it with her so he sees you first? Obviously I have no idea if that is possible, just a thought.

Dear MIL

those dates dont work for us, let's fix a date after DH gets back and I can discuss it with him.

Presumably they want to see their son? That's OK, surely?

I was thinking that or at least wondered what his views were and what's been discussed between OP and DH

If he seems her parents before he comes home to you then they don't need to visit do they

@CurlewKate have you read ANY of the thread..🙄