DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

But they get to see him on his return before OP does.

It’s a week stay not months
She is not going to be staying with you
Your dh is seeing her on his way home but i assume not for any length of time,

I really don’t see what the issue is especially as she is not actually going to be staying in your house.

Presumably she’d like to see her son

So update.

MIL has got back to me and said she realised what an absolute dickish move she had made and shes had a reathink had got her weeks mixed up and it’s the week later they are hoping to book.

It’s still not idea really, like I said DH’s program could change and there is still more than a small chance that everyone could arrive here at the same time or roundabout and having reflected on it a little more, read all the posts and spoken to my own parents I honestly do think you have to be tone death to book a holiday with members of your family in this kind of scenario when they have been newly reunited after a VERY long time apart.

I have however (grudgingly) said ok…

partly because MIL did ask rather than tell me what was happening and also because these dates do potentially leave a “little” more wiggle room and I think she has likely considered this after her original dates.

I did want to add how astounded I am how many posters would consider the importance of DH seeing his parents over or the same as his DW and most importantly his DC.

I’m afraid in this situation we absolutely should, and thankfully do come first and I don’tthink you can comprehend, unless you are familiar with the Forces life how both excruciating and magical the wait and these 1st moments/weeks are.

Its completely private and personal moment of time and it’s absolutely paramount for bonding and integrating your loved one back home which is not as easy as it might seem for both parties.

OP has a month to see her dh before they turn up.
How long does it take

And obviously they didn’t want to visit without their son at the house. Maybe OP doesn’t make them feel welcome and hence they need their son in the house. Given the bizarre issue raised here im guessing they have sensed how OP feels about them.

@ODubhshlaine 😅😅

What bizarre issue?! That I don’t want my in-laws potentially visiting at the same time as my DH has arrived home after 6 months away with little to non contact…

I think that says more about your own bizarre views and marriage if its something you would entertain.

Not the point of the thread but it clearly illustrates that living apart and seeing each other once a year is THE key to the wedded bliss! Their child is old enough to be having their prom but the OP is still weak at the knees at the thought of stealing some moments of magic with her husband. I've never known anything like it!

So where do I put my OH for the next 10 months to allow my heart grow fonder?
Does this trick work with children too? 😂

You're his wife
They're his parents

You all love him and want the reassurance and comfort that he's safe.

In this scenario, that means time with him.

It's not a competition, but all of you deserve that. Working on the common-sense basis that parents aren't going to be around forever, I'd do whatever I could to let them spend time with their child working in a high-risk environment.

Totally get you OP. Not a comparable situation AT ALL, but my DH is a teacher who also runs youth activities some evenings and weekends. We barely see each other during term time, so in school holidays all I want to do is stay in our bubble. It's hard letting others in during precious family bubble time. I can imagine that in your situation it must be that x10000 as you have no contact at all for months.

Enjoy your DH when he's next home. MIL can wait her turn.

@Thedryjanuarydiaries ignore those who clearly have no knowledge or experience of this. Reintegrating as a family is both heaven and hell rolled into one. The anticipation that all will be wonderful, perfect and fairy tale, whilst knowing it may well also be arguments, challenges and horror stories. Hoping for more of the former, planning for more of the latter. I get it. Last thing anyone needs is either set of parents deciding now is the time to pretend they are actively interested.

They’ll have already caught up with him briefly. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to let him/you relax for a while before commencing hosting duties.

I think if they hadn’t seen him for 6 months either, my answer might be different, but they’ll see him before you.

Good lord some of these responses are just rabid! OP you and your family sound lovely and your decisions are your own to make. I hope you end up having a full month of bubble time with your dh. All the best!

@Thedryjanuarydiaries
Firstly I wish you and your children a peaceful and loving re-union with your husband.
Secondly I am in awe of your patience with posters on this thread who seemingly can't read!!
I have first hand experience of this as my father was often posted for 6 months+ in far off places that you only heard about on the news & not in a good way.
My mother was brilliant at managing the homecoming but I knew it took a lot out of her.
Good luck 😊

I get where you’re coming from ( my dad was a missionary away for 1/2years at a time in mainly the Congo, which has never been that safe, so i understand where you are coming from )
I do not have a bizarre or unusual view of marriage, just an appreciation that it was never just my mum or us kids that missed and worried about my dad when he was away. As an aside, he had no mobile phones or even a land line. He sent a letter back when he had food and medicine dropped off.
It was hard for us all including my grandparents

As an aside
You did want MN opinions
Thats why you’re here
Not everyone agrees with you
It happens
If you wanted an echo chamber then I’m sure you’re aware MN is not always that
@HausofHolbein puts it well too.

Jeez woman. He only has a month before he returns to like wherever....

Like 8000 leagues under the sea
Or journeys to the centre of the earth
Goes off Armageddon style via NASA to save the planet.

His mum has dibs. She literally like "made him"!!! YABU

Jeez woman. He only has a month before he returns to like wherever....

this.

And also why haven't you rang him to discuss it. And will he swop his seat on the plane home with a family with children even if he's paid for his seat? You can cancel the Cheque and none of this will be an issue. 😂😂😂😂

Are you on glue?

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams @Lovingitallnow
Please see my previous post RTFT the OP has answered these questions that you have chosen to ignore!!

How dumb.

OP you do not have to explain anything to your MIL.
You do what works best for your family, for however long you ned to.
"Dear MIL, we look forward to seeing you, these are the dates that work for us...'
Keep the communication between DCs and MIL to a strict minimum if you can, so she doesn't have the opportunity to be cruel again.
She sounds silly and awful.

Sorry just finding @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams and @Lovingitallnow very amusing.

Your dh will have seen his parents before you?If so then there’s no need for them to take up your family time. Reply that they will have seen your dh so no need to travel to see him in his home. Say that the months have been hard work with no help so you’re not up to hosting at the moment.

Honest to god! Surely his children come first and not his parents.

Some of the posters on here need to cut the apron strings. His priority is reestablishing his relationship with his children, not entertaining his parents for a week

Yep, definitely a "cancel the cheque " thread.

Though I don't think some posters understand the reference from when it was all fields around here!

@NaughtybutNice77

Let him spend a day (or 3) with his parents before coming to you.

After months away from partner and children? Would never happen. Service men/women are itching to go home, they have (usually) desperately missed their family, they aren't going to put that off for a day or three. Doesn't mean he doesn't love his parents, but highly unlikely he wants to spend his immediate leave with them.