DH been away 6 months, in-laws asking to come and visit within the same time that he is home…

[Thedryjanuarydiaries]

DH is in the Forces and has been deployed since September, after the most horrific few months juggling it all on this end, illnesses, vet bills, autism assessment for youngest DC, he is finally coming home within the next few months and we are all so excited!

Due to the nature of DH’s job, there is not an exact date as such for homecoming, lots of moving parts affect it so it’s more of a rough guess (at the moment middle ish of a month).

I get on ok with in-laws, MIL has form but we’ve never fallen out or had an a argument,
more of “grin and bare it you don’t see them very often” type relationship. However I’m always happy to see them when they visit and they are lovely grandparents to our DC.

MIL has messaged me this morning and asked if they can come and visit within the same window of the month that DH is due home…

As it stands you’re talking about a week/10 days difference and with almost no wiggle room if his program slips back!!!

AIBU (or mean) if I say no?!

DH has missed Christmas, DD’s birthday’s, GCSES, eldest DD’s prom, important health meetings and assessments, sexuality changes, emergency vet appointments and so much more…

a whole lot of life has gone by since he Was home and I really feel we need a least a month to process it all and enjoy being together again, however I’m not sure if I’m BU?

Here are a few extra bits of information that I have been weighing up before I reply to her message

Inlaws live around 9 hours away we don’t see them that often, the last time they visited was the end of last summer.

They have made no effort to visit over the half year DH has been away, in fact they’ve really made nor effort at all, I have been the proactive one, making sure the DC phone and catch up with them and they have no real idea of what’s going on in our life.

Due to location DH will actually see them before he comes home to us

They don’t stay with us when they visit.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

OFFS

To be honest OP I'm not sure who would be pissing me off more in this situation the MIL or the countless posters unable to comprehend your very clear posts!!!

Yes, and this father is desperate to see his children who have grown and changed so much in the time he is gone. Mum needs to cool her heels and wait as his responsibility is to his wife and kids first. (And I'm a service wife and mum and speak from experience on both sides).

Enjoy your reunion and hold off on setting dates to visit until he's actually home.

The replies on here are wild. Hope you're seeing the funny side, OP.

In your situation, I'd be totally at ease asking MIL to hold off for a bit. I'm sure you all need a bit of time together as a family to get used to being together again after such a long time apart and with no contact. You mentioned quite a few big events that your DH will need to get up to speed with. Your MIL will see her son first, and he can always promise regular video calls with her before she can visit you all once he's settled in again. No doubt she'll also get more attention from all of you once that initial novelty of having DH home has worn off.

I think I’d say no tbh. He’s going to see them on his way home so there’s no real need for them to make another trip to see him at your home. Unless their idea is to see the grandchildren…in which case why didn’t they visit or offer some support to you when he was deployed!
I think you can politely say that you’ve got a lot to catch up on as a family in the first few weeks that he’s home but that they are welcome to visit later on.

He is going to see them first.

I think you have to accommodate PILs visiting under most circumstances inc. this if he wants them to

Tell them yes but you can't say exactly when and for how long until he's home and you've had the chance to ask him

This is wild, even by mumsnet standards!!

😅😅👏🏻

Hahahahha this thread is bonkers.

OP.
I would reply to MIL and say -

"The kids and I would love to see you along with DH when he has had a little bit of time to settle in home. The kids are really looking forward to a bit of undivided Dad time after so long away, as I am sure you can understand.

Also, as you know, dates can change and I wouldn't want you to book accommodation and be unable to use it. DH will see you when he lands and then we will invite you up for a lovely stay after that."

@ChangeAgain2

He is going to see them first.

Yes he is going to see them (not stay with them) on his way home.

I doubt many/any service men or women would spend a few days with their parents while their partner and family cools their heels waiting for them. In fact, IME every Forces man/woman is desperate to get home asap after deployment. If I heard of someone not wanting to do that (never have) I would assume something was wrong in the relationship.

Hi @Thedryjanuarydiaries fellow, former military wife here.

So assuming your DH will be heading straight back into work for his first couple of weeks, followed by his post-tour leave after that, is there any way he can spend the first couple of days/weekend before he goes into work at his parents?
And tell the parents you’ll see them for a visit/stay in the summer/easter or whenever you’re free as a family.

DH would never have agreed to anybody staying in the first couple of weeks of his post op tour leave. With FaceTime, he can see his parents when he wants anyway so they’re being unreasonable not to let you get back to normality for his post op tour leave.

Do what it is you want to do :)

He will have seen the IL's first, so that box has already been ticked.

Get some decent family time in before anything else. You sound like you have done a tremendous job holding the fort and deserve to do what makes YOU happy.
I can imagine you are well overdue a nice break x

People are not reading the whole thread. Good was if my husband (who is an academic) goes away for a few days it can take a couple of days adjusting when he is back into the rhythm of family life. OPs husband has been completely out of it. I don't think it's even actually prioritising OP if the parents are told those dates are not convenient but the kids who need Dad to be home, adjust and be there them for a while.

It isn't selfish or mean. I imagine if the in laws did visit it could be even more stressful for all involved. Just give it a while then be more relaxed and enjoyable for everyone!

I’d think he’d want to come home kiss his kids and have copious amounts of sex with the Mrs.

In the days of Op Banner tours the latter activity was known as green Smartie time, thrown them on the lawn and tell the children to search for them, giving you time to become reacquainted!

Love “green smartie time” brilliant 😆

Be helpful but not helpful.

'Oh it would be lovely to see you. How about we let DH get back and settled in then we'll talk about some dates? I'm not sure what else he has planned.'

Keep being jolly and making excuses until you're actually ready for a visit, or forever, depending on your preference and what DH says when you see him.

I sort of get where the PIL are coming from as I cannot comprehend how anyone can have a relationship let alone a marriage where you only see each other every 6 months. How do you get back on track after barely being in contact for 26 weeks?

So yes, PIL are trying to muscle in on the action but they want to see their son and you want to see your husband. They think like you, it's been 6 months! Just make an amicable arrangement - you've all missed him.

Let him spend a day (or 3) with his parents before coming to you. Tell them you have lots of plans so April (or whenever) would be better.
I do understand the need to spend time alone as a family with no additional pressure. This will also allow you and your husband and child to agree on a united front when it comes to 'handling/sharing' your child's sexuality with grandparents.
I get they want to see their son. It would irritate me a bit though if they imply they want to see the grandchildren when up to now it seems they didn't.
Something to bare in mind though is that it's probable you're a bit more stressed than you realise and your tolerance for BS and nonsense is at an all time low.

If you want to let them down gently, you could maybe also say the kids will be wildly excited but also understandably unsettled by their dad being home again after so long, so you think it’s best to let things get bad on an even keel
before the wild excitement caused by grandparents visiting. (V tempting to put in a dig about it’s been six months since they saw their gps either, but resist and rise above it!)

I agree with previous poster that you could/should have a good seethe to yourself - she sounds vicious - but keep it light and “helpful” when you reply. Oh we don’t even know when exactly he’ll be here, let’s wait until he’s back and then look at what dates would work for all of us.

But he is visiting them first. And the op says nothing about not inviting them to visit, just not for the first month. So you’re wrong on both points here. Having read some of the comments her mil has made , if the thread were just about those people would usually be advised they never have to speak with her again since she is so rude. So I think she can definitely say no that doesn’t work, we will see when Dh actually gets home and make a plan for a few weeks after that. The kids and i are all very much looking to some time with him.

I thought at first YABU but now I don't. I'd probably want at least a fortnight to myself to regroup and I think its fine to say no. Its going to be a big adjustment for you all so all that plus grandparents in the first week is a lot!

Just politely push the dates back by a few weeks to dates that work for you, but also tell her that if his return is delayed then your children will need a couple of weeks without having to share their Daddy, so it might be best if she doesn't book just yet.

@Thedryjanuarydiaries as someone who has been there as my husband did 25 years in the military, I would absolutely say no to MIL! My MIL used to be nearly non existant in mine and my daughter's lives when he was away and would want to visit soon after his return. Those visits were only agreed to when we were ready and settled back into family life. People who have not lived this life do not realise how challenging it can be to get back to normal family life when they return.

If you have never spent 6 months separated like this, you will never understand the reintegration needed. The deployed spouse needs to decompress, the non- deployed needs to off load. So much has changed in that time, there is a lot of getting to know each other again. It isn't just about sex. And a month is probably about the minimum to get to the point where each is sufficiently annoyed with the other to want others around!

The OP was completely clear. He is due back during a month, precise date unknown. Being at the whim of the military means having a lot of patience, being endlessly forgiving of changing plans and moving dates.

Am guessing it is the H's car that is left with his parents near a port. So it is not possible to avoid them completely.

I would definitely be saying to MIl, we need time to acclimate and you will be welcome after that. Given the vagaries of his return date, we will need to be flexible on exactly when that is. Emphasise that you know they will understand, put it on them to say no they don't and make themselves look stupid.

Why can so many people not read? Your original post was very clear in mu opinion!

If you don't want ILs to come then just say so, be honest. 'The kids find it hard to readjust when dad's first home so I think it's best if it's just us for a few weeks. But would love you to visit in August.'