Really Annoyed This Morning ...

[MrsToriCostner]

Sorry guys, I just really need a rant!

SAHM here, two kids, almost 7, almost 2.

Got up this morning, came down, kitchen a mess from me cooking last night.

Presumed DH would have sorted it or at least filled the dishwasher and turned it on last night.

I do DHs packed lunch for work and shout up and ask him to bring any glasses/pots from upstairs meanwhile I've told DC1 to get dressed for school numerous times but they are not listening and still in pjs watching tv.

I go upstairs to get ready for the school run and find glasses/pots in DC1 bedroom, DH has taken the flat sheet off our bed and dumped it on the floor and left it there because DC2 leaked in the night apparently. His socks are dumped on the floor too, it's the same every morning, I find myself putting them in the wash basket myself.

DC1 is still not dressed and apparently can't find any socks despite multiple pairs been in the wardrobe.

So I'm shouting loud by now as we are going to be late and I'm taking 2 kids on the school run.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just feel I could fall out with the world today 🙁

There is Nothing better that tv and comfort food in bed when you’re both worn out!! We don’t tend to eat upstairs in our new house but we’d take a cup of tea etc. I love that you have pizza etc there!

Time for a few rule changes then!!

Washing goes in the basket if it's not in there - it won't get washed! I get that you wouldn't leave the bed sheet where it was for obvious reasons but it wouldn't have hurt for DH to have put it in the basket or put it in the washing machine.
No TV until up, washed, dressed and breakfast eaten. Shoes on and school bags ready for literally going out the door before any TV or other screen time.
Pots (yep it is a northern expression as I learned when I moved north!) aka cups etc - not to go upstairs!! But even my DH can be a pita when he leaves washing up above the dishwasher rather than in it!! So all food and drinks consumed downstairs and cleared away when finished with.
Don't do Butty boxes unless you really have time. The night before is better and DH can do his own.
Anything else you can think of that will make your life easier - set the rules and then stick with them and make your the family does too.

Lots of non events here which most of us can manage whilst working full time too! If you are a SAHM (and I was one too when my kids were smaller) you do have the bandwidth to do this but you just need to be organised.

Make the husbands packed lunch at the same time as you do the kids. It doesn’t take any longer and you have to do the kids anyway.

Lay the kids clothes out the night before if you aren’t a morning person and the 7 year old can then get dressed without supervision. Make sure the expectation is that they are dressed before they come downstairs for breakfast and TV

It doesn’t take any longer to put clothes in the washing machine whether they were on the floor or in a laundry basket. Stop getting irritated by this and just make sure you are keeping on top of the laundry. You would have had to wash the sheets anyway if there had been a leak so your husband saved you stripping the bed and at least you didn’t find out they were dirty as you were going to bed tonight!

Kids aren’t allowed to take dishes to their bedrooms from now on. If you or your husband do, just bring them down with you when you are coming down for breakfast?

Put your dirty pots and pans in the dishwasher as you empty them when cooking, then it’s only plates and glasses which need to be loaded after dinner - not a big deal. Emptying it the next morning should be your job really as you are not rushing out to work in the morning and can do it at any point before it’s all needed again for lunch or dinner

Not read the thread but you count you know. Just because you stay at home and look after the children and the house it doesn't mean you don't matter as a person in your own right. You don't need to run round behind your husband as though he is more important because he works a job outside of the home.

I wonder if you could perhaps not have TV in the mornings? It's easier to install things like this when they're still young.

Take some time for you too and don't lose yourself.

I think you need to approach your SAHMness as a job. But. TBH I don't think him taking off the sheet was unreasonable, for eg. It saves all the damp soaking into the mattress. As a SAHM I am going to presume that at least the bulk of the laundry falls to you?

You need to have a conversation about what each of you expects your set-up to look like. For eg. who will be responsible for what and when (for us it was: while he was at work i was responsible for child (priority) housework (2nd priority) and when he got home we were 50/50 for everything. Some days i got loads done, some days, not so much.

Or you go back to work outside the home and divide things appropriately to how many hours each of you is at home.

That was my first thought. He can make his own lunch.
And his socks don’t get washed unless he puts them in the laundry basket. He can do without clean socks and step round piles of dirty ones until he learns.

Go back to work

I'm going to be very unpopular but I do agree. If the wife is not going out to work and the DH works full time then the lions share of looking after the home should fall to her. Doing sandwiches for the kids and not doing some for your DH, or doing your own washing and refusing to do his is petty.

However DH leaving dirty sheets strewn around and not bringing down his cups (pots!) or whatever is just lazy.

YANBU. It’s hard to feel like you are the sole person responsible for all the household chores. My DP works long hours, I work part time from home and we have no DCs. I always cook, clean and do the washing. I also do the shopping, household admin and look after the pets. I do however expect him to clean up after dinner if I have cooked. He knows it’s his responsibility to load the dishwasher and wipe the table, units, sink etc. He is also responsible for his own lunch and ironing. Admittedly, he has no idea how to work the washing machine or clean a bathroom but I make sure he has jobs that contribute. He also hoovers on a Sunday. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for him to have some jobs even if you are a SAHM. It’s about being a partnership and I think he should contribute to help. I remember reading about how every person should give 100% to the relationship every day, that means that some days your 100% will look less than other days like if you’re overwhelmed, tired, unwell. I find this a really helpful way of looking at it. If you’re frazzled and he’s cool as a cucumber, are you both giving equal effort to the relationship? Probably not. I hope you’re able to sort some jobs that he can take off your hands OP.

You need to work out a strategy in advance.

DH packs his own lunch the night before. Kitchen is cleaned by both of you the night before (unless there's a good reason like illness or a late night for some reason). Breakfast table set, all clothes for DCs set out including underwear, socks, shoes, gloves, hats, bags, water bottles ready for filling- everything should be ready to go. Your own clothes should be ready, so you can get ready quickly too.

Things like wet sheets can't be helped but that's something you can't prepare for. Everything else that can be prepared for, should be. It took me a very long time to realise that if I didn't think I had time or energy to do all the prep the night before, I sure wasn't going to in the morning, especially with little kids to get up and out at a set time. I remember a specific moment things changed for us. I was getting cross with the DCs when they were small because one of them had lost one of their school shoes in the house somewhere (again) and it couldn't be found and we were running late already. My DH said "Why don't we just line up the school shoes the night before?" It was a bit of a lightbulb moment even though it should have been obvious.

@MrsToriCostner, I know what you mean its the half arsed effort of saying they helped. That's the problem. No, TV in this house at all in the morning, and all phones are locked until 8 am. That way, everyone's ready for then. Definitely sort the TV out. If you leave at 8.30, say they can have it at 8 as long as they are ready, then that gives you a little bit of time to sort things while they are occupied.

I'm not doing pack up for the kids. I think the problem is the TV, it's a real distraction to be honest, for everyone including DH,

So unplug it, take batteries out of the remote. Or just get rid of it.

Ok OP, here’s what I would do:

In our house after dinner, everyone helps clear up and load dishwasher etc, and anyone who needs one makes their lunches for the following day.

I’d say no telly in the mornings until everyone is completely ready. Take the remote upstairs with you last thing at night if that helps break the habit??

Am I missing something here?
You were running around trying to get things ready downstairs.

The mornings are busy for all.
You have two parents present in the household.
Does DH help hurry them along in the morning too? Or is he completely hands off because its not his job if you are there?

don't make the kids lunches either when the time comes!

There is no way I would be making a lunch for a man like this.

You should not be picking stuff up off the floor. It is demeaning to pick up your husband‘s washing off the floor. I would not touch it and put it in a pile for him to wash.

I wonder if you will take on any of the suggestions here or will you carry on being a stay at home drudge like so many on mumsnet? I hope this thread helps you change things.

Get yourself a smart plug [goes between the tv and the socket] and an app that goes with it. Program it so that the TV can't receive any power until a specific time on a weekday/weekend and powers off at a suitable bed time if the kids have access to a separate one.

I'm a bit ambivalent about the sheet. Horrid to leave it on the bed, also horrid to stick it in the laundry basket and make everything else stink including the basket. But should have brought it downstairs on his way.

Yr 6 is old enough to be getting his clothes out the night before. I would charge up his routine. Good training for year 7 when he'll have a lot more to think about including what books he needs for the day so the night before routine is a godsend if you get it right now.

Kitchen - if you're going to go to bed early then I'd be setting expectation that you'd like DH to do something. Yes you cooked the meal, but far easier for both of you to make the clearing up/bedtime a group effort. If you have to deal with sick kids, then be clear in your expectation that you want the kitchen cleared up even if he is knackered. If you just want to collapse in a heap on the sofa, most spouses would take that as a green light that tomorrow will do just fine.

It could be the first step in re-establishing a more equal power dynamic. Some men have no respect for the woman at home.

Why is picking up her husband's socks her reaponsibility? Why can't he help do the kitchen? Your standards must be very low.
I work part time and my husband still does the chores he sees need doing. It's called a partnership.

Well no a real partnership is when you're contributing 50/50

You must be in a minority, yes. Most people in relationships feel secure enough to be comfortable having their own lives without feeling like they’re housemates.
My DH and I do our own washing, and cook our own meals. I don’t like how he washes clothes and we don’t like to eat the same things. And this will blow your mind- we also have separate finances 🤯

Then don't askhim again . You're a SAHM not a servant.

I hear you. I work two days a week, DP has a full on full time job. On rare mornings when he gets DD, 5, dressed and takes her to school, he leaves the house in a total state and there's just no need. He would definitely dump that wet sheet on the floor. It's very annoying.

I’ve stopped making DH his lunch for work now and I don’t pick up any of his clothes off the floor - I do all of the washing but only if it is in the wash basket. As annoying as it is that there are often his clothes on the floor next to his side of the bed he has now got the hint and does move them.

We also have a no screen rule before school or no one is ever ready in time. They got used to it pretty quickly and wouldn’t ask now as it’s been a couple of years and mornings run so much more smoothly.

My DH is also irritating in terms of the lack of help around the house and expectation that I’ll sort everything so I do sympathise!

Not sure why so many comments about the word ‘pots/dishes’ 😂 we often have glasses in our bedrooms and I’ll ask DS to bring the pots down, meaning any glasses etc that may be up there.