Really Annoyed This Morning ...

[MrsToriCostner]

Sorry guys, I just really need a rant!

SAHM here, two kids, almost 7, almost 2.

Got up this morning, came down, kitchen a mess from me cooking last night.

Presumed DH would have sorted it or at least filled the dishwasher and turned it on last night.

I do DHs packed lunch for work and shout up and ask him to bring any glasses/pots from upstairs meanwhile I've told DC1 to get dressed for school numerous times but they are not listening and still in pjs watching tv.

I go upstairs to get ready for the school run and find glasses/pots in DC1 bedroom, DH has taken the flat sheet off our bed and dumped it on the floor and left it there because DC2 leaked in the night apparently. His socks are dumped on the floor too, it's the same every morning, I find myself putting them in the wash basket myself.

DC1 is still not dressed and apparently can't find any socks despite multiple pairs been in the wardrobe.

So I'm shouting loud by now as we are going to be late and I'm taking 2 kids on the school run.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just feel I could fall out with the world today 🙁

He stripped the bed. He is off to work. OP is at home all day and running the house is her current job (unpaid, sadly, the Wages for Housework campaign did not resonate in the UK, but it should have) so dish washer and washing machine are her infrastructure and work tools. DH ought to be co-parenting when at home and taking load of OP's shoulders in the evenings and week-ends (or days off).

DC should not be watching TV in pyjamas on the morning of a school day. Get dressed and have breakfast, pack school bag etc before TV (there will not be time). If showering etc is taking morning time, do baths before bedtime instead, which gets one problem out of the way (and makes DCs sleepy). DH can do own packed lunch - or buy lunch at work - and DC could have school dinners (I never packed lunches for anyone, including myself, unless there was an off-site outing involved, packed lunches are unnecessary hassle and I liked to read the paper in the morning and listen to music - exDH got DCs to childminder, not me).
OP is doing too much in the way of chores here and needs to discuss with DH how to organise mornings better. Going back to work is a really boring option when one can do so much at home both with DCs and in one's own interest.

Definitely no tv in the morning.

I'm a single parent to a 1 and 3 year old and have just returned to work 4 days pw. I'm anal about the house being spotless and - as I'm on my own - responsible for all household tasks.

Mornings run smoothly entirely because there's a routine and no TV. I get up and shower quickly, get kids up and take them downstairs where their clothes have been laid out the previous night, make their breakfasts and use the time while they're eating to chat, have a cup of tea, empty dishwasher and put on a load of washing, feed the baby yoghurt/fruit while toddler eats his porridge, then dress baby in the kitchen while toddler finishes, dress toddler, wipe down the surfaces and get my stuff together while they play for 10 min, pick up their bags (packed the previous evening) then out the door to childminder and either train to office (central London) or back home to work.

I think having another adult - who isn't pulling their weight - is much harder than doing it yourself. In your position I would ban TV in the morning, at the very least until they are up, dressed, fed and ready to leave. I would also stop making your husband's lunches and tell him that when you cook, you expect him to load and turn on the dishwasher.

Our school run rule used to be no TV in the morning until everyone is ready to walk out of the door, including shoes on, bag in hand. It worked well for a surprisingly long time.

No idea what your last post is about.
And I can have a different opinion to yours?
I wonder what proportion of ALL domestic tasks the OPs husband does?

HelenTherese2
There was pee on the sheet- that means potentially a wet floor from pee- that’s a bit of a difference! And who cares what is easier, everyone’s life is different because we all have different things to do places to get to etc. I have 4 kids, work longer hours in retail run around less pay (and now thanks to Covid get chest pains when I pick up heavy boxes which is daily!!) but my friend who has a shorter working day and one child goes to her mum who has dementia and helps her out every day, then goes over again at life. She’s got a much harder life

I feel your need to rant. You need to have an honest chat with hubby about how you share responsibility for your family and household. Some basic shared principles might help like, if a task will take less than 2mins to do (like putting sheets/socks in the wash bin from the floor) do it immediately, don’t store it for later/someone else.
Other people have said things like: don’t do his lunch, don’t wash his clothes. I disagree with that approach however tempting it is. I’d avoid creating any rigid division between you. I think it leads to resentment but also you’ll find it harder to ask for/expect his help with ‘your stuff’ if you’re not helping him with ‘his stuff’ - better to move towards thinking about ‘our stuff’. Eg maybe you keep making his lunch, on the understanding that in that time he makes sure DCs are ready for the day while you’re doing that bc those are the things that your household needs to do in a morning. Big hugs and pouring you a virtual cuppa.

Came down to mess in the kitchen from me cooking last night ?
Presumed Dh would have put it in dishwasher last night ?
If you cook the evening meal - then

1. You wash up
2. You cook partner washes up

3 . You cook both of you wash up what ever the routine is in your relationship Wash up after the meal Make sure kitchen is clean and ready for the morning surely ? It's not rocket science lol!

@innerdesign if the comment re SAHM with a 16/19yo was targeted at me - my children are on the autism spectrum, the 19yo also has ADHD, and severe mental health issues included repeated suicide attempts, self-harming, overdosing. As a result, I have never even been able to get through a f*cking school coffee morning without a call from the school nor been able to hold down a part-time job due to continual days off to deal with them. I had to give up my career to be come a FY SAHM because we have no family within 200miles to help, not even when I’ve had major surgery. Social services have also been involved, along with CAHMS, for the five years preceding her 18th birthday.

So you can LOL all you effing like and assume ‘I have a wealthy husband’ but in fact my life has been the biggest shitfest possible for the last 10 years leading both my DH and I to contemplate walking out and/or suicide from time to time.

People like you are why this site is a cesspit.

Why are you on a cesspit?

@Tracker1234 because I was researching MN fora as contemporary perspective on ‘motherhood’ (I am doing a PhD in an effort to return to work PT at some point) and because it is effing lonely at home on my own.

Is that okay with you?

It wasn't... (Unless you've name changed) but go off I guess. I wouldn't think of you as a SAHM, in that situation I'd consider you a carer 🤷🏻‍♀️

@innerdesign yep, changed my name recently.

And technically I am a SAHM as, due to the ‘wealthy husband’ [AKA a man who works 14-16hrs a day, 6-7 days a week, 50 weeks a year, even throughout recent cancer treatment, because I cannot work] we have never qualified for carer’s allowances. Nor did we apply for disability allowances until eldest turned 18 and needed them for medication etc, because we felt it was a cheek to take even just £600 pcm from the state when others need it more.

I am just one amongst many SAHM I know with children with specific educational and psychological needs who also get no support, just snide remarks.

We’re all getting a bit sick of it, actually.

Leaving this thread now, but hope OP is feeling better this week having made some changes to routine and chatted with DH about how to enlist support.

My husband used to make the kids' lunches till they were old enough to do it themselves...

Surely if your partner is out working full time and your at home your only doing what needs doing?

You can't presume anything. You need a proper discussion and agreement about division of chores. And definitely no TV in the mornings until kids are fully ready to leave. But honestly, go back to work and have a fair division of tasks if you don't like doing everything - because i think if you're a SAHP, you should do all the childcare and chores during the week.

"Going back to work is a really boring option" - it might be boring but at least OP wouldn't be financially reliant on another person, and will be better placed if things goes wrong.

Call a family meeting. Yes you are a stay at home mum but doesn’t mean you’re the cleaner either. Your kids and your husband all need to shape up but they won’t do it until you make it clear to them all.

DH needs to pull his weight and not disrespect you and your home by being lazy. Never made my DH’s lunch for work in 20 years, he’s an adult and its just pure laziness dumping washing on the floor or not putting pots away.

However, if I was a stay at home Mum (used to be) with a 7 and 2 year old, I would be expecting to do the majority of work around the home and do the majority share of getting the kids ready in the morning, as you know you can return home after the school run. You dont need to be ready for work at 9am.

But there is no excuse for laziness so you need a proper conversation with him about that.

You never have water glasses etc in your bedroom?

I think in some parts of the UK ‘pots’ are mugs as they are made of pottery.

Fucking hell I think we all bloody know what "pots" mean now given it's been 3 days since OP posted this and every other bloody poster has pointed it out.

If the OP's husband ate a bag of crisps and dumped the wrapper on the floor each time rather then placing it in the bin or peeled a banana and dropped the skin on the floor going out the door and left it there , or finished the carton of milk and flung it under the kitchen table and expected the OP to pick it up for him - would that be okay?

A wet urine stained sheet or a dirty pair of socks is no different.

Why a grown adult, who can wash and dress themselves and eat/get their own breakfast, and get to work on time, cannot somehow organise themselves enough to take a few steps to a laundry basket and place the offending articles into it is beyond excuse.

It is not so much the issue of who does the housework but rather the lack of respect for the person who has become the designated drudge. In this instance the 'lucky' OP. This rubbish that, most men are not mind readers or don't see things like women do when it comes to housework nor able to see how exhausted wives/partners are unless told/ or hear crying children or any tasks that need doing' - they do - they get it - but also know if they leave their crap lying around long enough or keep playing dumb to what needs doing or pretend to not see it etc. the wife/partner will eventually get on with it/pick it up or sort it out -

Being the full time worker in the house is not a get out of jail free card for being an inconsiderate slob.

😆

To be honest, I do my husband’s pack lunch, always have done, because I’m in the kitchen doing mine, I automatically make his too, same as when I used to do the children’s, do it all whilst I’m there!