Really Annoyed This Morning ...

[MrsToriCostner]

Sorry guys, I just really need a rant!

SAHM here, two kids, almost 7, almost 2.

Got up this morning, came down, kitchen a mess from me cooking last night.

Presumed DH would have sorted it or at least filled the dishwasher and turned it on last night.

I do DHs packed lunch for work and shout up and ask him to bring any glasses/pots from upstairs meanwhile I've told DC1 to get dressed for school numerous times but they are not listening and still in pjs watching tv.

I go upstairs to get ready for the school run and find glasses/pots in DC1 bedroom, DH has taken the flat sheet off our bed and dumped it on the floor and left it there because DC2 leaked in the night apparently. His socks are dumped on the floor too, it's the same every morning, I find myself putting them in the wash basket myself.

DC1 is still not dressed and apparently can't find any socks despite multiple pairs been in the wardrobe.

So I'm shouting loud by now as we are going to be late and I'm taking 2 kids on the school run.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just feel I could fall out with the world today 🙁

I would have a good chat with you husband. There's no reason the TV should be on in the morning. Make some new rules.
No pots upstairs except 1 drink bottle for water.
No TV in the morning.
Children need to be washed, teeth brushed and dressed befor coming downstairs.
Husband can sort their breakfast while he makes his own lunch.
Meanwhile, you can sort washing, make the beds ECT and get yourself ready before you start the school run and husband leaves for work.
That's how we do it. I have a 5 year old and just turned 1 year old.
Get school clothes out ready the night before and put at the end of the bed. Get as much ready as possible for the next day and make sure everyone is up in plenty of time so the morning is less stressful.

Go back to work, split the house work and dont baby your adult husband

Fair enough @MrsToriCostner but you surely wouldn't put machine on with just one wet bedsheet in? He was probably thinking all the dirty clothes for that day need gathering up from laundry baskets round the house so a full load can go on? I personally wouldn't put the machine on when it was practically empty. I imagine if he's rushing out of the door he didn't have time to finish this task? Agree he shouldn't have left a wet bedsheet on bedroom floor though - that's gross. Either straight in the machine or at least dump it in the bath/shower so the wee doesn't soak in to the carpet. I was a SAHP for 19 years so I do appreciate how hard the mornings are getting 2 kids ready for school. Maybe no TV til kids are dressed? Mine always came down fully dressed for school & had breakfast/cleaned teeth before tv was turned on.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/410364763121879/?ref=share

The comments here make it very clear there is a huge imbalance of the workload between men and women and sadly far too many women suck it up
He wears the clothes
He eats the food
He lives in the home
They are his children make him do more we are not their mammys they are grown ass adults it's about time they acted like it far too many women go on like a man doing the absolute bare minimum is him being the best hubby ever ffs get a back bone this isn't t 1930s

Hmm. HRTFT but surely the point of being a SAHM is that you do do the 'housewifely stuff' that you wouldn't do if you were out working? You look after the children and drive them about, take them to appointments and clubs etc, but also do the cooking and cleaning etc?

A 7 year old is at school, so even if the 2 year old is at home all day it's not a full time job. You would surely unload the dishwasher?

I agree your DH ought to be able to make his own packed lunch - this was always a bone of contention with me and DH - but I did feel the rest was down to me. I had twins and stayed home while he went to work - why would I not expect to change the sheets, tidy the house and do all those sort of jobs? Isn't that what a SAHM is?

But I agree with PPs - turn the TV off if that is distracting. My two were the same age (obviously....) but you have a big gap so they aren't going to like the same programmes. Better just to say no TV!

No, that is fundamentally not what a SAHM is. Being a SAHM does not mean you do all the housework. Shit men have got it made because women believe this. Who gives a shit if a two year old is "not a full time job". (Depends on the two year old.) I parent while my husband is at work. I am a stay at home MOTHER, not a stay at home cook and bottle-washer. When he gets home, he can contribute equally to the household he lives in and to the care of the children he fathered. And because he is not a shitheel, he would not debate this. I do all night wakings (younger son only a year but his brother still woke in the night at two and older, many children do.) I'm on duty 24/7, he sleeps a solid 8-9 hours, why would the work he does outside the home be more important than the care of our child?

Go back to work is everyone's answer, but a man who will shit on you when there's a financial imbalance of power is one who will do it later for some other reason. People act like the man earning the money deserves fucking worship, the woman has to do EVERYTHING else because he is "funding her lifestyle." Bollocks to that. My work facilitates HIS lifestyle where he wants children and wants one of us to care for them. He would probably be a pretty good SAHD actually but he likes his job. So many men act like their wives owe them the earth for "getting to be" a SAHM but they don't even want to take their SPL let alone anything more, and a lot of them secretly know their jobs are easier for them personally than being home with a baby/toddler. Fine if OP wants her 2 year old in childcare (I wouldn't, though it makes people very defensive to say so) but she shouldn't have to do it because her husband thinks her being home means she has to pick up his dirty socks and the trail of debris he leaves from doing basic tasks. What a prick.

There needs to be a middle ground here and I haven’t seen one so I’m bringing one.

Sure, you can make your husband lunch. Why not? Why’s everyone so against it? However, if you are going to kindly make him lunch, he needs to be pulling his weight. It doesn’t matter if he works and you don’t. He has working hours and if he does nothing at home then your whole life becomes work which is unfair and will leave you overwhelmed and irritable.

Youre not ‘moaning’ at him to pick the sheet up, you’re giving direction because as much as we would love it not to be the case, often husbands lack initiative in the home.

Since having our first child, I had to give my husband directions on what I needed help with. He wanted to help but he ‘didn’t know how’. At first I found that annoying because weaponised incompetence but the man genuinely couldn’t think. After a couple of months of constant direction, he now sees the baby rubs his eyes and picks him up and takes him for a nap. He cleans the kitchen every night whilst I put baby to bed. If I’m stuck with my very clingy little one, he’ll start breakfast. It’s been amazing. Communication is everything guys!! Everything!!

TV was not allowed on in my house in the morning before school.

TV on in the morning during the week is asking for trouble.
It dulls the brain for hours.
You are the stay at home parent so I would expect that you wash up as you prepare the family meals during the week.
The cook should always wash up after themselves or they create an almighty mess and don't care.
Discuss who washes the plates (you or DH) - I would get the kids to dry and put away.

It is sensible for DH to remove the damp sheet straight away. Once he is ready to go past the laundry I would expect him to put it in the basket. You would decide when to wash and with what else.

Lunch - if you like to make lunch and he says thanks - what is wrong with that, particularly if you control the meal plans and food shop?

Part of the bedtime routine could be the kids seeing their tomorrow clothes ready and their dirty clothes in the wash basket. Other ideas for morning would be for DH to dress (or oversee dressing) one child and you the other, every morning.

I would expect some working together for weekend cleaning and some fun family times on the weekend.
I would expect DH to help out if ever I asked specifically due to feeling over burdened for any reason. (and he should be free to ask the same.)

Pots in some bits of the country (like where I am) mean dirty plates/bowls etc.

Tell me you didn’t read the thread without telling me you didn’t read the thread……

I agree with everything you've said @soosal except I would argue being a SAHP is definitely still 'work' - it's just unpaid work imo. It is definitely still a job & I was a SAHP for many years & I worked bloody hard at it and still do even though my kids are now 19 & 16. My kids are at the forefront of everything I do whereas I know they aren't as much for my DH especially now they are older & more independent. I allowed my DH to fully focus on his career & be able to travel abroad without it causing any stress or hassle (to him) at all. I also now sleep badly as a consequence as I was always 'on duty' & totally tuned in to the wants & needs of my kids. I wouldn't have had it any other way as we had no nearby family to provide regular childcare but it was exhausting for me especially when I've been ill or.

Why would that be bizarre? Lol have you never taken food or snacks to your bedroom with you?

I have never been a SAHM but if I was I would expect to do the laundry, cooking etc. One child is at school too. Not necessarily doing every single thing but you sound like you want him to behave like its his role too and you dont work out of the house.

Sorry but go back to work and have a talk about divving up the household chores if you would prefer.

OH also took the sheet off the bed so clearly he is doing something.

Some days we all need a rant! Hope you feel better for it <3

I guess if this is something you're ranting/feeling bad about multiple times a week then it might be time to have a chat with your husband about dividing the tasks in the house, and then bringing your kids into the discussion so it feels fairer?

All the people saying 'why are you making your husbands lunch' feels tough. If that's how it's been working in your house then it's not unreasonable that that's something you do for one another. In my household I do the 90% of the laundry and my husband does 90% of the cooking, even to the point where if he's going away for work he'll often batch cook ahead of time and leave stuff in the fridge. Does he have to do this? No. I'm perfectly capable of cooking and tell him this. But it's something he does because he loves us. So if making your husbands lunch is something you want to do, that's what works for your family. If it's no longer working for you, then you and the family need to rethink together as a team.

Good luck!

It just saves listing the actual objects.

So everyone knows it means stuff that needs washing up.

Is this the most important part of the thread?

@MrsToriCostner I hope you're going to have a very straight talk about this?

You are not the housekeeper

I think most people got the gist...

So the OP has to work full time plus extra hours?

Or is the domestic side of life just one big holiday?

If she cooks, he clears up. As should the children when they're old enough

And he certainly picks up his own clothes!

She washes the clothes that are in the laundry basket

So I assume he knows where to put them

This is probably not popular but I'm not sure I've ever come across a family with a SAHP that is actually balanced. It defaults to everything to do with the home, family, cleaning is for the SAHP because the other goes out to work.
I agree with PPs saying get yourself back to work, get an identity back outside of the home and tell your lazy husband he needs to pick up some slack. DH and I both work full time, everything else still gets done.

Omg I literally posted that 3 days ago, I don't even care any more.

So the OP's husband has to work full time plus extra hours..? Oh wait, of course they both do! That's normal adult life. She's in the house, he's out at work. If she was out at work and he was in the house, I'd expect him to do the same. If it was a Saturday and OP was taking 7yo out somewhere, and she spotted that 2yo had peed the bed and stripped it but was rushing out, I'd expect him to stick the washing on as he had a day off. It's really not that deep, and I've clarified multiple times if you care to actually read the thread.

Ideally the kitchen would be done before bed. It clearly wasn't. In that case, I'd expect whoever is in the house to sort it in the morning. As I've said I'd do if WFH.

Also lolling at SAHM to a 16 and 19yo... PP is just unemployed with a rich husband

So the op has enough to do and is clearly stressed (we don’t actually know her reasons for being a sahp) and some of the answers are to “get back to work” so she can have more work to do?

I don’t think her husband is going to magically be more respectful if she doubles her workload, but ok.

Mine is. My priority is kids and other things at home. Once dh is home we split everything as it’s both our time ‘off’. Works great. But then he is a lovely person!

It makes zero difference to the effort of the sheet was in the hamper or on the floor. Zero if it was going to be washed straight away.

I’ve done both; worked and SAHM. Working is far harder. Looking after kids and a house is an absolute piece of cake compared to going to work. Especially if one of the kids is at school.