AIBU to be upset my MIL is bestfriends with the ex?

[Duckie2407]

When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me.
I totally understand other people are completely fine with ex involvement but I’m not (Thanks to my own ex).
I told him this before we even considered progressing on a date and said if his ex is involved in his life in any capacity I’m not the girl for him. At the time he said that before he had met me he had asked his Mum to stop being in contact with his ex as he just wanted a clean break and not have the reminder of what was a very miserable time. From that I assumed all ties were cut.
We ended up getting pregnant very early early on in our relationship and fast forward 19 months we now have a 3 month old.
The MIL came around yesterday and wanted to show me something on WhatsApp, she sat next to me and opened her phone and the first message was from the ex. I didn’t say anything but went on to say that just to give clear boundaries my partners ex is to have nothing to do with our child including photos being sent or meeting her, she said that’s absolutely fine and she’d never do that. She then went on to say that she’s best friends with his ex, is actually looking after her properties and she’s recently gone out for the day with her and her new boyfriend who are expecting and she’s been buying presents for the upcoming arrival. She did try and continue telling me details but at this point I was visibly upset and I asked her to stop and explained that this was a lot of info for me to take in given the convo my partner had told me about and my feelings around such topic. The MIL did say that the convo had taken place but my partner has no rights to tell her who she can be friends with, especially as it was “his fault they ended” (Because he was so unhappy). She then promised me not to tell my partner she’d told me anything as she knows he won’t be happy I’m upset.
I have told my partner, who had no idea his Mum was in so deep with his ex and is now also upset that his Mum has ignored his request.

AIBU to be upset about this very close relationship? I don’t know how to move forward given that I have said from day one I just can’t handle this kind of situation. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

It's really not up to you who MIL or anyone else is friendly with.

You have to live with it and it shouldn't impact on your relationship with MIL.

I just can't imagine if my adult son had a painful breakup and wanted to move on... remaining involved in his ex's life and valuing that friendship above my son's feelings.

Right from the start of your post you come across as very controlling and self absorbed. If a potential partner said l wasn’t allowed to have contact with any of my exes, most likely l would be off and gone as too much of a red flag. You have an issue and you need to get help with this, rather than trying to control other people by saying you feel a certain way about it

If my child’s partner told me l couldn’t be friends with someone then l wouldn’t be paying them any attention. Thats before you getting pregnant half an hour into the relationship, as that’s another big red flag right there

Agreed.

This isn’t about DP and how he feels, DP and MIL can deal with that.

Wanting a partner without an ex is an unreasonable position to take.

The bottom line is that the OP’s ex himself was abusive, the fact his family went along with it is not uncommon around abusive people. He is the locus of the trauma, not the exes or the family.

It sounds like MIL doesn’t like you very much.

However much therapy you have had, it clearly isn’t enough.

My mother in law had my husbands ex wife do flowers for her wedding, I feel your pain. She was only not invited as it was only their kids there!

I love my daughter-in-law very much. If, God forbid, she and my son were to split up I would still want her in my life, as long as she still wanted that too.

It's ok to be upset. But the point is you can't control how other folk live their lives or who they are friends with. You can cut contact with his Mum if you like, She does sound a bit of a troublemaker.

I don’t get your argument that MILs friendship with the ex is hurting your partner as he’s been none the wiser for at least 19 months and still would be had you not seen a message on his mum’s phone. The fact he asked her to cut contact is actually nothing at all to do with you. If he does feel uncomfortable then that’s for him to and his mum to resolve, not you.

Bottom line is he’s moved on and is presumably happy with you and your new baby. The ex has moved also moved on and there’s no contact between them. Fixating on the friendship between the ex and MIL and is completely unnecessary.

Please go back to therapy because your relentless to control others is deeply unhealthy and damaging, even if it is a trauma response.

I think this trauma is something you personally need to address as it’s clearly your issue and understandable with trauma , as much as it’s hard it’s going to dictate the life of your partner, his mother, and your child and cause not just you unhappiness but everyone else.
MIL is right that she can be friends with who she’s likes and she’s been respectful not to rub it in your face the last 18 months.
I agree the boundaries should be met ie no pictures and no meeting I completely get that but that’s all you can control and have to learn to adjust the rest.

Of course they can't but it's fair to expect MIL not to talk about a friendship which makes both her son and DIL uncomfortable.

I couldn't imagine my adult dc telling me who I could have as friends. I don't have contact with my dd's ex as him and his family don't live near me but if they did I would be friendly as he was in and out of my house for years. The break up wasn't great but nothing to do with me.

I read as far as "When I first met my partner I told him due to a severe bad trauma I couldn’t be with someone that had their ex in their life in any capacity as it was too triggering for me."

FFS. Why does everything have to be a trauma / trigger / ptsd these days. You don't want your partner to be friends with an ex. End of story.

As the ex is a different generation from the mother I would think the mother had other friends with more in common with her. In any case, I Would support my child and consider their feelings. I would probably be gently reducing my contact. After all the repercussions are that the mother will have less of a relationship with the new partner and her own son and more importantly the new child if she chooses the ex over the dhs preference.

It's not perfect but you need to make choices and those choices have consequences.

No but you can dictate who gets to spend time with your dc.

Your mil hasn’t put her son first in this situation. I would ask her not to update you in future on conversations with the ex. Let her get on with it. If you have trauma around the past seek therapy. It is in the past not in this relationship try and move forward.

MIL sounds like a goading cow. Why was she pushing so much unnecessary info onto the OP if not to push her buttons. Seriously that conversation was weird. Buying the exs new dc things and how close friends they are. Why would this be something you'd be telling the OP. The MIL sounds horrible.

I am sorry you are broken. But as your child grows you will understand when I say that feeling broken does not give you a mandate to control another person’s life.
Wanting to control something is the root of all anxiety. Feeling like it’s ok to try and control other people’s actions is not going to end well.
unfortunately fear makes us act irrationally.

What are you on about? Sounds like the MIL has been entirely discrete about her friendship with ex. She only started talking about it when OP confronted her about something she saw on MIL’s phone! OP is entirely in the wrong here. Yes, she’s traumatised, but that is no excuse for imposing unreasonable expectations and demands on other people.

You've had a lot of snidey comments off some on here.
I guess that's what to expect by putting yourself out there.
It's harsh to hear though.
I don't agree with everyone I reckon you're well within your rights to feel and say what you think is acceptable for you.
It was a bit far fetched what you said in your OP as everyone has ties and id eat my hat (if I had one) if you find someone who hasn't.
You'll manage alright don't dwell on negative try your best to think of the positives.... easier said than done I know....but if the crap out weighs the roses then you know what to do. X

It annoys me so much when other family members can’t let go of someone who WAS a partner. It’s really traumatic for the person involved within the family If things end badly and your family can’t stop contact etc. This happened to me and actually I’ve never forgiven my parents for it and I won’t. They aren’t in contact now - this is 20 years ago - but they were for a while after the break up and it was awful for me. Probably the worst time of my life. I think it depends on how set you are on this guy - good luck xx

Triggering doesn't mean trauma necessarily but you don't get to tell OP what she feels.

His mum sounds like a piece of work, having hidden all this from her son, why didn't she tell him first rather than you if she wanted to start being open and honest? Sounds to me like she wanted to upset you.

Are you married?

Maybe like you the ex saw your DP's mother as her MIL and wants to continue to have a friendship with her.

Your DP's mother has obviously known his ex for longer than you maybe she sees her as a DIL and has no intention of you coming in and asking that there's no mention of her name.

Not sure from your post if the MIL knows of your past relationship problems but I'd be more pissed off that you're associating me with them in thinking I'd hide the fact that a family member is leading a double life, just because that's how they worked doesn't mean she's the same.

That's nothing to do with your DP's mum and is something that, as awful as it was you really need to separate from any future relationships you have.

This is not a reason to split up a family. I don't see how MIL is winding her up. That's a bit of a reach!!

@Duckie2407 I'm afraid you need to address your issues through counselling, as you cannot control who your MIL is friends with, and you are making it very awkward for your partner.